for my mom RIP

today is the day when i allow myself to unravel
the day when my world was forever changed
i woke up at age 10
never to see you again
and as strong as it's made me
your absence breaks me
every year my heart breaks a little more
than before
and even tho it heals faster and faster each year
it's the same pain
it's the same ache
that will never go away
it's the same name
it's the same face
that i will never see again
mom
i will never forget
when i was 7
how you told me
"do you know how much i love you?"
how could i ever forget?
you defined what love is
because it is what you were
patient, understanding, forgiving and selfless
and i will never settle for anything less
i sometimes feel like you weren't real
that you were too magical to have been alive
so many years now fade my memory
still i cannot help but feel connected to you
somehow i feel i know you more
as times goes on
as memories fade
i find you in different ways
i wonder what you would think of me now?
almost everyone in my life that i love
never knew you
but i know you would embrace them
and accept them as your own
after all we are not so different
as far away as you seem
all i have to do is close my eyes and i can feel you
and sometimes i just wanna scream
and call out to you
this bad dream that became reality
sometimes is a little too real
people i know sometimes say "its time to move on"
but forgetting you is like
trying to forget your favorite song
impossible
and if i somehow could forget
what time could never erase
i would find you laced with the rhythm of my own heart
pumping with the blood of someone who made me
yet is no longer alive to see me
come to fruition
its a unresolved chord
an unfinished puzzle
and there is no way to explain
the sleepless nights
the questions
the pain
how obsolete is feels even some 19 year later
to be a girl without a mom
sometimes seems so unfair
its like being throw into the ocean
before you knew what land was
i learned about death far too young
i learned about it before i learned how to live
yet it somehow taught me everything about life
and how i could not live mine without you
and i wouldnt have to
because you are timeless
maternal love eternal
you are behind every laugh i bellow
every smile i share
these words i craft
the tears i bare
everyone will know a small piece of you
everyone will fall in love with you
and everyone will want to know you
you are never dead
your legacy is in my heart
your lessons in my head
imprinting everything i do
good and bad i embrace you
knowing you weren't perfect
knowing that your flaws somehow made you more real
and i can do nothing more than cherish you
the strife you were faced with
your story
i acknowledge that a part of me will always be missing
but bond between a mother and daughter
is one that cannot be broken
through life or death
it is forever
and i'm so fucking thankful
to have know such humble and vulnerable beauty
and i can only hope to be half the woman you were
i can only hope that you are never forgotten
as long as i live and breathe
you never will be

i love you mom. through life or death, our bond is beyond the physical world and our love is immortal.
RIP mom
1957-1990

from heroin to handbags

the american media is such an evil yet charming monster. i can't recall moments of my life that are not laced with ad campaigns and slogans forever etched into my brain. think about how much of an impact it has upon all of us. whether you like it or not- it's there. but behind all the manipulation there is one underlying common ground: money. we are so fucking greedy. we, as americans, want it faster, more advanced, and before anyone else has one. and no one, my comrades, is innocent of this. from heroin to handbags, we are all non denominational elitists. in a nutshell, that is what american's are. we are snobs. from music, to fashion, to cars, animals, luxury [and unnecessary] surgeries- we buy into an idea. that idea is the american dream. i used to think it was the same for everyone and in some ways it is. but really we set our own unattainable fantasy to gauge towards. it's a bit masochistic i feel. but what kind of american would we be without a little bit of self mutilation? in essence- what do you think plastic surgery is? in my mind- it's nothing but self mutilation but there are so many non-literal forms of it for each of us.

we want you to buy into a lifestyle. that's why everyone who lives in a po-dunk town is enamored with LA or NYC and everyone who actually lives there wants out. it's the chase. once you have it- the magnetism is gone. it's so fucked! i remember myself lusting over one of the two holy trinities of american culture. more so to LA [which i now loathe] and i have still never even been to new york city. in my mind [at least for los angeles] i think it's highly overrated and pretentious, now that it's has been actualized years later. but then again that's probably just the snob in me.

my question is this: is it healthy? to creates "wants" disguised as "needs"? someone told me today that people spend more time looking for a car than a home. i was floored! think about that. a home is something that is a necessity, yet a vehicle is not. say what you will but no one "needs" a car. modern society may tell you that you need it but in all actuality- you can survive without one. it's about status. it's about goals. i am definitely a victim to this. when i was in college, all i wanted was a red jetta when i graduated. i pined over it and lusted over it for years. i honestly never thought i would have it. what do i drive now? a red jetta. and [i think] it's a piece of shit. point made.

american's can never be satisfied. we are living in a culture with roots firmly in insatiability. fuck. i'm going to the gym to satisfy another unattainable goal <3

choke on your own dick

what your trash has taught me i treasure
the benefits i reap
you can't measure
i'm a powerhouse
undefeated
don't you dare point the finger
when you stare starts to linger
longer than when i acknowledged you
i spit on what you are
and i see it so clearly
so tragic i had to weed through your
clever manipulations
your carefully calculated mishaps
that always perplexed so perfectly
that always got you so much
easily obtained pussy
but not me
maybe momentarily
but your bullshit
does'nt cover your flaws
not even close to it
and if you think for a second
you're coming close to the cause
and effect and want to blame me
you make me laugh silly boy
you couldn't own up to your shit
if your life depended on it
and its fucking pathetic
all you taught me
is to filter out
loser fuck ups like you
and never settle for anything
so
fucking
petty

unfathomable monster

no matter how much i have healed
no matter how much stronger i have become
you stole something from me
and for that i will always haunt you
i will destroy your dreams
i will plauge your happiness
with visions of me
you may have my broken heart in your hands
but that blood stain colors me
and you cannot wash it from your heart
my blood poisons you
and feeds me
it will always be
what was our song?
"you belong to me"?
did you really love me?
or was i just some sort of possession?
so you could set yourself free
from the demons that inhabit you
the scars you displaced on me
such a scared little boy
not strong enough to be vulnerable to anyone
just a pussy with a big dick
to distract from how hard you had to run
from yourself
from growing up
you never will
may you never escape the words you promised me
may you never escape the noose i hold around your neck
for eternity, just like you promised me
laced with words you said so insincerely
now i will choke you with things you said
i will always punish you with the love you faked
let this be a lesson
you cannot light a flame
without getting scalded if youre not careful
you were so not careful with me
i will burn your eyes until you see what kind of monster you are
and the unfathomable monster you made me

dis-attachment

i've got to do what i must
when relationships are a bust
you can get into my bed
but never in my head
i will forget you
i will erase you from
my memory
replace your face
understand sometimes
i must underhand
pretty boys
turn into pretty boring toys
and i dont mean to be so aloof

if there is nothing engaging
if there is no potential
there is nothing worth staying
it's fundamental

i don't know how to undo this dis-attachment
it's become my thunder

jump in with both feet

i wonder why i keep people at an arms length. it's so hard for me to let people in. i know it stems from losing my mother at an early age. also, from previous failed relationships, where either i have walked away or i have been left behind. i have fear of abandonment. i would like to think i have made at least a fraction of headway beyond that, but lately it seems i have made absolutely no progress. and i wonder now if i ever have. i guess it's sad. i'm sad.

i need to jump in with both feet. but goddamn i'm so scared. i feel like i have so much to risk. people tell me and have told me many times "i've never met anyone like you," and i used to think it made me special; set me apart. but now i believe it's just a curse. and that what it entails is that no one wants to see the demons i harbor. i think sometimes i don't want to see the demons i harbor. but i know i have to. if i can find someone who loves me for that- it will be my soul mate. but until then i just want to try to improve myself. certainly with all the blows i've gone through for the past few months, i have stripped myself down to my core. if it's ever been a time for reinvention- it is now. i see so many ugly parts of myself that i need to alter. yet, i still see some great parts that i need to enhance. it's hard. i don't like to be down. but i also do not want to be overly positive in an ignorant light. there has to be a balance. it's just difficult to gauge what exactly that balance is. i still feel so incomplete like something is missing. i guess i've felt that way for years now but refused to acknowledge it. sometimes you bury parts of yourself so deep even you forget or deny their existence. perhaps it's partly post-traumatic stress. it's hard to say. i just have to remain focused and strong as i can be yet somehow i need to become more vulnerable. i welcome that part of myself. i think i have missed that part of myself and how it really is so beautiful. sorrow has a certain beauty that many dismiss. i certainly have for many years now. there are so many things you cannot measure and you cannot explain through anything else but your heart. there truly is a language to it that we often forget. i just need to tune into that part of me- however dusty it is. it feels good. as sad as i have been lately- i feel like i am learning about how to feel again. i feel like i am learning how to love again. i'm opening up to people like i never have before and luckily enough- people are being receptive. many of these people are those i never would expect. so if it cost me great loss to gain this- all is not lost. all is not lost.

down in a hole

the violence of the past
with it's disturbing eyes
a stormy trail
that leads to ashes of a black heart
it follows me
it swallows me
and now as the present haunts
and humbles my every gesture
it reunites the dark passenger
and they dance with death
painting my dreams with deep wrath
why do i harbor so much rage?
how can i expand beyond this
without becoming victim
to it's easy and inviting embrace?
it's so simple to give in.
it's so easy to fall down the hole
of rotting hopelessness.
where hearts go to die
where unborn babies cry
and this rut is boxing me in
can i escape?
i must.

going through the motions

i have never felt so...

incomplete.

adapt or die.

it's been about a month since i have written and let me just say that it's been one of the most life changing months i've ever been through. i cannot get into too much detail, as it regards a very personal matter. just know that even in my darkest hour- i find hope. it feels so enriching to do that. had you known me years ago- you would have never suspected that. i am very proud of myself for being so optimistic. even though i feel as if i have lost part of myself, i also feel like i have gained perhaps even more than i lost. and for that i can have no regrets.

it's peculiar how one thing can change your life almost completely. but i guess that is what life is about. i just find it intriguing that every time i start to take things for granted life comes around to give me a good, firm kick in the ass. it's a necessity. there are so many things i have planned that i am getting excited about. first of all i plan to spend halloween in new orleans for the voodoo fest. i have always wanted to go and this seems like the perfect time to go! after that, i plan on taking a road trip across country to visit friends and family. i will be stopping in las havasu arizona, albuquerque, austin, new orleans, atlanta and nashville. i may try to go to florida also since i have never been. then to kentucky to spend the holidays with my family. i havent seen them since christmas 2007 so i am excited for that! i miss them. they are my heart, collectively. after that i plan on taking a west coast trip starting from san diego and driving up to seattle, stopping at san fran and portland along the way. after that i want to go to europe for a bit. i really need to travel over seas. i havent even been to mexico or canada! then i am thinking about relocating permanently to portland or austin. it's all up in the air. there are a few reasons i would like to stay in vegas so i'll have to give it some serious thought.

actually- vegas has been rather kind to me as of late. i have found much comfort and support in the friends i have here and it really makes me feel loved. i have been having a lot of fun since i have been unemployed so thats a plus. i feel like i forgot how to have fun when i was working so much! it's a new found love.

i'm just very humbled and thankful for my life right now. i feel like i am seeing things for the first time and in a new light. thank you to all whom have helped me through. it does not go un-noticed!

all in the game.

some people long for complacency. they thrive on routines and redundancy. that gives them a sense of being grounded. it becomes their reality. it becomes their ball and chain. but is it what nourishes us that also does destroy us? are the chains that bind us to our lives and the foundations we build them upon really a comfort? or are we slaves to it, laced in so deep that we cannot see the imprisonment? i don't know. but what i can tell you is i feel free. i feel like i can go anywhere and do anything now without anything holding me back. without anything keeping me here. the only thing that has kept me in vegas for almost 3 years now is the desire to start over. the desire to start a new life from scratch. and i did just that. i carved a niche here. i did it on my own. no one helped me but i never wanted admiration. i did it for my own personal gain, to test my strength. i had to do it for myself and i had to do it by myself. i think it was the most valuable lesson i have ever learned my whole life. i found comfort in that. but now i feel like it's time for another change. so many people i know cling to things that i feel they don't need to- myself included. they cling to their underpaid positions because they are scared to look for something better. they cling to their significant other because they feel that is the best they can do. they settle. they stay where their family is, not knowing that your family will love you no matter where you are on the planet- and they will always be there for you too. mine does and mine always will regardless where the road takes me. that- in essence is what family is. family understands. and maybe i clung to the comfort zones i made for myself here. maybe i enjoyed being structured and scheduled. but in some ways i feel like this happened for a reason. just like the last time i left- my home of kentucky. i looked at the path before me and all the steps leading up to it and i knew i had to go- no matter where the road took me. luckily for me- it was the best decision i ever made. will i be so lucky again? who knows. all i know is i need to go- i need to be free while i still can. i do not have anything keeping me here. there is still so much i haven't seen in the world that i feel i am missing out on. i don't want to live in die in the same place- or even the same 2 places. to me- that isn't living. i'm a free spirit. if anyone can say anything about me- it is just that. i don't know what is going to happen but where ever i go, there are a few of you i will always keep close to my heart. there are those of you who have changed me forever. some for good and some for bad. i can only hope that some part of my life has touched or changed you as well. and i know that we can always learn and progress from each other- no amount of time or distance can change that. i will always love vegas and what i learned about myself and life here. but i think it's time to move on...

"mention this to me- mention something mention anything... mention this to me- watch the weather change..."

clearly useless.

recently got let go from my employer of over 2 years. it's funny many people in my position would be sweating bullets. i was a little upset at first but then i was overwhelmed with relief. you truly cannot smell the shit if you are immune to the scent. i have been very blind. first and foremost- if there was a just cause for me to be terminated, i may have felt remorse or even regret. but the fact is- with all the inaccuracies, double standards and illegitimate policies, i couldn't be happier. as a matter of fact, the ONLY thing that goes through my head is how badly they fucked up. i was also sexually harassed there on many occurrences and i was NOT taken seriously when i reported it. also, the attempts to resolve the situation were measly and unsatisfactory. it made for a awkward work dynamic. i will not tolerate working for a company who is so illicitly shady and corrupt in almost every way. i will take my talents elsewhere, because let's face it- i was one of the most ambitious and driven people that worked there. i was loyal and dedicated and this is thanks i get? 'clear'ly, those highly redeeming attributes matter not to a greedy, sneaky corporation.

i have lost no sleep over losing that worthless position as a telesales employee- a department ridden with inaccurate reporting, favoritism and no clear guidelines for, well, anything. i have a bachelors degree and i always out wrote almost everyone in that department. in terms of sales, experience, and education- almost no one has the skills i do. i have been one of the top 5 sales rep there for well over a year. i was consistent [even when the commission plan was NOT] and i was almost always the top seller in terms of mobile sales. i recently won a flat screen TV as well as a digital camera for my efforts. so don't tell me that i don't possess talent. i constantly over achieved at that job and everyone knows it. to fire me for something as mundane as me allegedly 'hanging up on a rep from another department' and my attendance, is absolute utter horse shit. first of all- i accidentally hung up on the rep AND i noted the fucking account of the mishaps. i know people who hang up on reps and customers all the fucking time and never get in trouble. besides- EVEN IF I DID IT ON PURPOSE- there was absolutely no customer impact what-so-ever. maybe if they would hire people more competent than those ingrates they pay 8 dollars an hour in NY or FL, i wouldn't have run into a tattletale, snitch of pussy who told on me like a 3rd grader because they have nothing else going for them but that lame job. but i digress... as for the attendance piece- HA! you have got to be fucking kidding me. i constantly worked overtime. i always came on on my days off, came in early, stayed late- usually without batting an eyelash. i worked every holiday last year including thanksgiving and christmas. so there is no way in hell anyone can say my attendance was an issue. yea, so maybe i left early the day before i got fired. so what? i know several people who not only left early EVERY single fucking day- but also would take like 1-2 hour lunches, go get high on breaks, go cheat on their significant others with co-workers etc. so that is all bullshit too.

it was not very smart to let someone of my caliber go- not only because it was unjust but also because i have a big fucking mouth and i will tell EVERYONE what happened to me. i have the gift of gab [after all i am a sales person] and i have always had a way with words- ESPECIALLY when mistreated. do not think for a fucking second that i will not expose every dirty little secret i know about many, many events there. i know about affairs, drug dealers who peddle shit on the clock. i know about people who are grossly overpaid because of a mistake and also i know about people who only have jobs because they are tight with upper management [and have proven otherwise useless]. if anything the past 2 years and 2 months i have been collecting evidence and observing all the fucked up shit that goes on. now don't get me wrong, i was no saint there. i had my share of fuck ups and i accept full responsibility for those but it obviously doesn't matter now. fuck turning the other cheek- i have been their' bitch for far too long.

make no mistake- i don't need that job and i never did. i was far too overqualified anyway. honestly- anyone could do the job i did. it wasn't rocket science. all the jobs i'm applying for require a bachelors degree- which not many people possess. i want to be able to utilize my degree for once instead of being underestimated and treated like a child. i already have several interviews lined up and i haven't even been fired for a week yet! that speaks for itself. i know how to write a resume and i have an excellent work history. i am also quite apt at interviewing so i am not worried one bit. if, for some reason, i cannot find a job [which i highly doubt] i know i will get unemployment so they can pay me to sit on my ass for a year. i'm good with that. i do not find being fired from there a set back at all. i find it as an opportunity to grow and excel with a better company that is more organized and has a better product. maybe if i didn't have the skills i bring to the table, i might be sweating that job. but the truth is i haven't for one minute. maybe initially, i temporarily overreacted but now i see it as a virtue. i refuse to work for a company who treats people the way i was treated. this was, by far, their' loss and all i can do now is laugh because they have only given me the opportunity to make someone else lots more money and more money for myself as well. good riddens- eat a bag of dicks.

heartillery

throwing insult to injury
stack up your weaponry
to fight this battle
prepare to be disassembled
walk through the fire of the discontent
where the fury of men rattles
saying things you never meant
are you ready to get dirty?
are you ready to get bloody?
pieces of cowardliness loom underneath your fingernails
staining you with objectives not met
the passionless can't breathe deeply
in realms of heartfelt hell
they hyperventilate
they fell
and as you wrap their body in an emotionless eulogy
a body bag of cryptic cause
do they repent?
do they regret?
the insincere with knifes tailor made to stab you in the back
the cheaters with shallow phrases that drown you
an army of shadows, a cult of filth
we are coming for you
we will not stop
until we murder the manipulation
until we bury your apathy
until we choke out tears
undermine your whole operation
sometimes the only way to survive is
to kill the parts of us that are broken
and reignite the part of us that are dead
our black hearts turn red
destroying the self destruction
creating the self love
the art of war inside is much more brutal
and much more rewarding if you survive

emotions are beauty uncovered

i just watched episode 7 of season 3 of dexter and now i am crying my eyes out. the end made me lose it. it's so beautiful. i'm sure that sounds strange but you have to understand the way i see things to know why. i find beauty in the strangest places and i have always loved that about myself. but what i am really crying about is what 2 people said to me once. 2 people who were once very close to me. now neither of them are really and one i havent spoke to in almost 3 years and probably never will again. the other i still talk with now and then and i still have a lot of love for her. we will always be friends.

one said that she thought my emotional ways, how i am so touched by things and express them with tears, was beautiful. and i think that to this day has made me never afraid to be emotional. some say it is a downfall but i will always find it as a virtue.

the other person said that i was the only person who possessed true emotion- real emotion. and that makes my heart bleed. its easy to see how i feel in love with him.

all i know is how i feel and i feel so much that the passion of the tragedy and struggle i have endured eats away at my heart. and it bleeds into every thing i say and every eye i look into. i don't doubt that it will always be that way. i will never find being overly emotional as a setback. i will only see it as a strength because so many people cannot feel and if they do- they cannot express it like i can. and those who talk shit are just pussies running from how they feel. it is much more commendable to be able to be vulnerable and humble. it makes you 10 times stronger than those who feel nothing.

coming to terms with the past.

noticing changes in your own self is rather intriguing. i like to reflect upon the past to gauge how far i have progressed and evolved. i think its a good way to exercise self perception. but it can be hard sometimes. i think back to my last relationship and it really kind of disgusts me to recall how weak and needy i was. it's pretty fucking pathetic. i don't think i could ever be like that again. what's worse is that my ex totally took advantage of me and manipulated me to keep me under his thumb- to do his bidding. but at the same time- i allowed it. i guess i really used to love him, as i cannot find any other explanation. but that's where i get this skewed ideal of love. if love can make someone in to a grotesquely co-dependent blubbering emotional mess- is that really love? does letting down your guard mean someone totally raping you when you are most vulnerable? more importantly, is there any kind of love in that? i, personally, do not think so in the slightest. i think that is a huge misconception of what love actually entails. love is not having power or control over someone. love is not manipulative. love is not selfish. love is equality, seeing eye to eye. love is complimentary. love is selfless. at least it is to me- now. i have said this before, many times. and if anything- the lack of love in my past relationships had really framed what i expect now. funny that the illusion of love- which in reality was pretty much the opposite of love- now defines what i think real love is. actually funny may not be the correct word. more aptly- i find it quite ludicrous.

they say love is blind and i agree with this in part. but i do think you have a choice in love. i do think you have the choice to see it for what it is and not taint it with mushy, sappy bullshit. as you also have the choice to be blind and choose to be oblivious. i know now that i chose the latter of the two. why? well, quite frankly, because i was weak. i wasn't strong enough to stand up to a person who was all too attractive on the outside. i should have known the inside- while possessing slightly good intentions- was a tsunami of insecurity, destruction and manipulation. and the fucked up part is he displaced his own shortcomings onto me and punished me for what was done to him in the past. it was like residual abuse. it's a pretty fool-proof equation really. cut me down and overreact about pointless fuck-ups to distract from your own flaws. genius. i got sucked in. i was in far too deep for my own good and i did backstrokes in pools of deception. i didn't care. i was beyond blind. that really disturbs me. it's funny how people bring their "A" game initially and then you always uncover the horrors that reside underneath. i am no exception. i don't doubt that the real me scared him off just a bit. but goddamn- i never anticipated the depths of jealousy and control issues he unleashed upon me. and let's be real- we both had a lot of fucked up baggage. these days- who doesn't? but the extent to which i bent over backwards for this boy is so insane, it shocks me still. the more i gave, the more hell he raised against me. i feel like there were no limits to the flaming hoops of horrible he would create for me. as i pushed myself through every grueling obstacle, i knew he gained immense pleasure in torturing me. in that- i do feel- he found love and that in some twisted way- that it was me proving my love for him. but it was never enough. and it never would have been. these days i wonder- am i capable to do that again? and if i were, would i dare?

i guess i just don't know. i refuse to ever let someone abuse me mentally and emotionally again. i do feel that that kind of abuse is much more damaging than physical. in fact, it's much easier to just brush off since there isn't anything physical to account for it. too many times people dismiss it because there is no hard evidence. i say that is utter bullshit. i have no qualms saying that i was abused but a lot of that was self abuse. i allowed to be taken to the cleaners. i allowed someone to get the best of me. i allowed someone to mind fuck me. i accept full responsibility for that and it has been the most eye opening learning tool i have ever given myself. i can honestly say with my whole heart that it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. it's just hard to believe that i am even the same person. it's hard to swallow what i once was. it's rather frightening that i once had it in me to stoop that low, to be walked all over and left with nothing. but i guess that it just how it goes. i cannot deny where i came from. i am so grateful that i somehow found it in myself to pick myself up after that. i think i knew that, if i didn't, i could never survive anything. i knew i couldn't fail. no matter how great the loss seemed at the time. i get quite emotional when i think about it all. it was such a tragic love story. but i don't regret it. not one second. there were good times that were some of the best times i have ever had. and for that i cannot count it as a complete loss. so to whomever he was, whatever person he presented himself to be, sometimes he was what seemed to be my soul mate. maybe saying that seems naive and maybe that only illustrates how deep the deception went but i don't think so. i see beyond who that person was now. and i know that somewhere in there was a person that longed for me with every breath. it just wasn't meant to be and it wasn't the right time. i don't think that part of him was ready for someone like me. so with that i have to release the hate i have harbored and the vindictive things i wanted to do or did do. love does make you quite illogical and it made no exception with me. i know that, no matter what, there is a love he has for me whether he could admit that or not. and i would be lying if i said that i didn't feel the same. but i do not have any romantic feelings for that person, whoever he really is. more of a love for the good times and learning we both went through. it was probably the most valuable lesson of my life. so, crooked crown, where ever you are, i wish you well. maybe one day you will be big enough to wish me the same. maybe one day i will get the closure i deserve. but i doubt it. i know you far too well. we may be two totally different people now- but i think we both know we will always be one in the same. we are far too much alike.

2 noteworthy things:

1. this made my night last night: "as beautiful as you are, you are so much more beautiful when youre having sex." does this mean i should constantly have sex? [rhetorical question]

2. my nose was running and i didn't t want to get up because i'm in a sex coma and naked, he offered me a clean t-shirt to blow my nose in. how cute is that?


it's the small things in life, you know.

heart art

i feel like he colors me in
with vibrant hues of real emotion
deep
rich
magnetic
he installs a new color wheel
one that changes the rules
one that makes me shine brighter
one that is more intense than any color
complimenting me with
stunning artistry
bold and bellowing
into every crevice
on the canvas of me
once so desolate
once so desperate
kiss the blank alive
with tides of beauty
virtues of potential
in a wave of fresh color
the eye has never seen
compelling with every drop
enticing with every sway of his brush

it's hard for me to write when i am content

thus the lack of blogging as of late. i feel like i'm blossoming. it's an enlightening experience. kind of like experimenting with drugs for the first time. discovering things about yourself to unlock and maybe just to revamp. it's just so fulfilling! i feel so pretty and desired, more so than i have for years now. the best part is- i deserve it. it feels really fucking good to say that. for almost 3 years now- i haven't felt i deserved happiness. i had to heal. i had to re- think my whole perception of myself, my whole stance. it was extremely difficult. i don't think i have ever been tested quite like that before. the funny thing is- i did it to myself. i had to. i had to harden the fuck up and get my skin thicker. i knew i had to do it to avenge my broken heart and to survive in this town. it's so different from where i am from. i don't think people understand how hard. kentucky is a simpler way of life, a slower way. it grounded me. i think a lot of people lack that here in vegas. i'm very greatful for that. but all in all, i feel very humbled and capeable. i found someone special that i have a magical chemistry with. it is, in every way compelling and justifying. it's odd how guarded i was and how damaged i was with my heart. i guess it seemed it would never mend. but the best part is i healed it myself. and now i know i can take on anything hard and in return will be bestowed with more lavish gifts and better, more enriching people. the bigger the fall the greater rewards to reap. this has been years in the making and i am savoring every moment!

it's funny

when guys you used to bang tell mutual friends we 'agreed' not to talk anymore. how is its 'agreeing' when i hung up on you and you pleaded with me to talk to you afterward? gimme a fucking break, you pussy! you were never good enough for me and you know it. why would you lie? to make yourself look better for getting played? just like you lied and told people i was your girlfriend? riiiiiiight! i stopped talking to you- make no mistake. we didn't agree on anything you fucking retard. you flipped out on me for the last time and i said 'i'm not going to have this conversation with you ever again'. and then i hung up on you and i havent spoken to your sorry ass since. all you did was bring me grief and i'm sorry i ever fucked you. you weren't even attractive to me anyway. get over yourself. dont make me post the text message conversations. i'll do it. you need to accept your defeat and have some integrity for once.

i wrote this 4 years ago

june 6th, 2005

little present, wrapped up with potential.
smiles come frequently now and soil the dark.
how ravishing, how unexpected.
her spark of relentless has ignited.
stops you
shocks you

silly boys that wanted to know.
yearned for a chance.
but she ran and ran.
forward from the unknown
didn't want to be miscontrued
or used
or sold short

before- she was the mistress of the helpless.
represented well.
all wrapped up in worries.
but fallen from the throne of the dead.
still mindful of her pain.
she chose to be alive
no more loss- only gain
eyes and tears and blood
only kept for one
a savage force that she had lost along the way.
sad she was. lonely she felt.
she only wanted to disintegrate together.
and melt into eyes of tomorrow
die by his side
forget the sins
that had washed her beauty out.
so ugly before.
he built her up enough to restore.
made her new,but so weak inside
un came the glue.
of perhaps and maybe it was too soon

tumbling down into rut of "not good enough"
she peeled off her intentions.
she was naked in thought and felt so small.
but thought she did and scared she crawled.
no time for admirers, she blew them off.
like the dust of a heart shelved
so very long ago

but they were attracted to her mystery.
to her independence.
her knowing pain.
she wore it well
it spoke their name
her comforting presence
that unfolded so many secrets from others.
a trusted diary many consoled,
and she healed them.
she helped them.
but she could not help herself
and so she inverted and distanced her wealth

just now- coming out of her shell
just now- knowing what she lost
just now- knowing what she needed
just now- feeling that she was worth something

and that someone would feel it a prize and latch on tight,
hold her hand. feel her might.
passioned souls fall hard yet comes from below.
shows you just what she is made of
becomes the one you've always dreamed of
you bite your lip and feel shamed for underestimating
what she can do

with this pain....

thunder crashes when she opens her eyes and as she wipes a tear,
with blood on fire- she has survived.

stregnth
immortal
forever.

grrr

i'm super pissed at my employer right now. i'm a sales rep. i sell internet accounts. we get a report that lets us know how many sales we have. so i checked my pay statment for this pay period and my commision is off. apparently- the report we get is not the one we get paid on. hence- my check is short. how the fuck does that makes sense? and how is it fair? i think its it's utter horse shit. what's worse is this is the second time this has happened. i think this is unacceptable and i will not tolerate this kind of treatment. if your ONLY job is to report numbers, numbers thats people rely on to live, then why can't you get it right? if that is your sole purpose and you fuck that up- your job should be taken. there is no other alternative. it's enraging.

surveys are for unoriginal fucks.

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
indeed. but it's been a long time. i'm pretty much over my rougeish days.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
that defeats the purpose of even riding one. don't be a pussy!

3. When was the last time you went sledding?
fuck you! it's been far too long and now i live in the desert. fuck.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
alone. unless the other person is worth sharing my warmth. not many are.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
i've never seen one. no.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
you can thank my parents for that. i'm exceptionally creative.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
i do. but i was so tired of seeing it on every channel when i was 14-15 i could have puked.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
jennifer aniston is talentless and boring. i love angelina jolie. she talented and totally bang-able.

9. Can you honestly say you know ANYTHING about politics?
i'm pretty novice honestly. but i'm learning.

10. Do you know how to play poker?
yes but i suck balls at it. probably a good thing since i live in vegas. i'm horrible at gambling all around.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
indeed. you start hallucinating without recreational drugs. i don't recommend it.

12. What's your favorite commercial?
i only have cable to watch HBO and showtime. do the math.

13. Who was your first love?
he knows.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night and no one is around you, do you run a red light?
no that's like saying it's only wrong if you get caught. basically like traffic equivocation. you should get a ticket for being a a victim of sub-conscious consequence justification. wack.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
everyone does.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
psht- da cubs!

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
yes and i'll take roller skating any day of the week.at least then when you bust your ass it's not also cold.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
you only remember the dreams you wake from- so i remember the dreams i wake from. and my dreams are so raw and violent, i should be locked in a padded room for having them. i can't even tell people about them because they are so insane- everyone looks at me like i'm a nutbag after. serious.

19. What's the one thing on your mind?
someone rad. and a bloody mary.

20. Do you always wear your seat belt?
always. i think not doing so is pure laziness.

21. What talent do you wish you had?
teleportation. would come in handy since my family lives in 'tucky.

22. Do you like Sushi?
it's the nectar of the gods. and i don't even believe in god. i would love to eat it everyday. mad delish!

23. What do you wear to bed?
depends on who i am with.

24. Do you truly hate anyone?
hate is a strong word. thats why i use it. and yes- some people i downright loathe.

25. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
too hard. can i just pick the whole cast of true blood instead?!

26. Do you know anyone in jail?
not currently.

27. What food do you find disgusting?
fast food [in n out is excluded and so is drunk del taco seshes] and pretty much anything that is over processed and un-natural. it's amazing what filth people consume. and also how much destruction i did to my body over the years.

28. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
no i'm too blunt. i stab in the front.

29. Have you ever been punched in the face?
i have. but only after i punched him first.

30. Do you believe in angels and demons?
that would mean i believe in heaven or hell. and i dont. but i know many angels and demons that are human. just sayin'!

nothing quite like the feel of something new

i moved into a new apartment on tuesday. it's way bigger than what i had previously and i'm paying the same price! it's so refreshing to start over for me, however small. i had a lot of bad experience there and i needed to shed that skin. i had to get away from negative influences and people. i feel so much better. i love my new place because it's bigger and newer. "nothing quite like the feel of something new"- right? yes. i'm stoked. everytime i make tiny milestones like this- i get so excited!

i recently met someone, through a friend of mine, who is amazing. our first date was a week ago at a karaoke bar and it was probably the best first date i have ever had. we were planning on meeting on saturday to have a pool outing with mutual friends, but i passed along my number to him first, so i could get to know him a little better. we had a compelling conversation for about 5 hours while i was at work via text and he decided he wanted to meet me that night instead of waiting. so we meet up and this old drunk comes up to us and tried to pitch his mortgage scam at us. me being a sales person- knew better. so the old dude worked another angle and asked how long we have been a couple [keep in mind i had just met this guy like 30 minutes prior]. i said we've been together for 3 years and were getting married. he didn't doubt me. but i think a karaoke bar is the best place to get to know someone. we proceeded to get super drunk and had epic conversation that gelled so smoothly. we ended up leaving good and liquored up- probably too drunk to drive. he drove us to some random parking lot that i felt i had been before and started to make out. i had serious de ja vu. i then recalled i had a dream about that situation before i ever met him. kinda like it was fate. very strange that i had such a premonition.

he said "seriously, you're the coolest, most fun, most beautiful girl i've met in ages." i couldn't have been more delighted to meet someone like him. i had almost given up hope on meeting any one worth a shit in this town. he's a writer, super attractive, super intelligent, has a steady income, a car, no kids and no ex wives. he is also older than me. most men around my age have one of those handicaps. now don't give me shit for my preference. it's what i desire. and you cannot make me feel bad for it. i'm happy and i may even have a boyfriend for the first time in 3 years! we'll see. i really like him though and he makes me smile.

finally

emerging from the dust. my heart reassembles. defenses let down. paradigm shift. it's about fucking time!

.

sometimes it's hard to see beyond the circumstances of your situation- of your life. sometimes they suffocate you and drag you down. it's hard to progress beyond at times. but you must know that there is more to any situation then just the end point. even if said end point is not favorable. i think people [and myself included] get lost in that. but its important to look at every aspect of a situation and internalize the positive aspects or gain positivity through knowledge. sometimes that is more important than the actual conclusion. it's easy to get down and drown yourself in possibilities and hypothetical situations. but you cannot focus on the past.even tho, learning from the past is crucial you cannot hold on to it. you have to acknowledge it then let it go. always looking forward. always moving on. this is hard for me and has been especially very rough. so much harder to do then to say. but i'm working on it. i don't want to waste my life on nostalgia. it has it's place. but unless it's pushing me forward- i can't let it hold me back.

fear and stalking by a pest control employee

about a month ago i had a small ant infestation in my apartment. i put a work order in for pest control to come and spray. unfortunately, this happened around 10 am while i was getting ready for work. i was trying to find something to wear and blasting paramore of all things. all of the sudden, i see a figure walking through my living room and i was startled to see the pest control dude walking towards me. i looked at him in horror and he just stood there and stared. well- it was more like gawked for at least a minute. he was like "sorry- i thought you heard me!" i'm thinking to myself, there is no way in hell i could have heard him because the music was clearly full blast. so finally, after grabbing dirty laundry out of a nearby hamper trying to cover myself- with anything i could grab- i say " can i please put some clothes on?!?!" thinking he would go outside. instead- he proceeds to go into the living room again. at this point, i'm super uncomfortable, obviously. he finally leaves and as i go outside to leave for work, i find his phone number written on a note outside. disgusted, i called his employer and they seemed to brush it off.

so yesterday i came home and there was this note stuck in my door: http://twitpic.com/balf2 it looked hella fishy and i was skeptical to call- so i had a friend call it for me. she finds out it was the creepy pest control guy! apparently he sprays every 4th wed of the month. at this point i am FLIPPING out! i don't feel safe and i didn't want to be there alone. if you notice the bold capital letters on the letter say: YOU MADE MY DAY I LIKE WHAT I SAW. what the fuck!? What’s even stranger is the fact that the handwriting looks feminine and the phone number looks like a masculine. like he had a friend write it for him- which is even creepier! i don't know what compelled him to do such a harassing, creepy thing but i am beyond offended. it doesn’t help that i live alone and am single. i don't know why this shit happens to me or why i attract nut jobs. i already filed a police report and alerted my apartment complex to change the lock, i will more than likely be moving somewhere else every soon. i appreciate all the support and concern!

no regrets

i feel like something big is going to happen soon. anticipation swims around every corner and it intoxicates me with every breath i inhale. it's curious, this magnetic aroma of the unknown. and i can feel it in my toes. i feel like i have lost myself here. but i feel like i'm getting back on track to where i once was. i cannot help the way i am. and i won't make excuses any longer. i have ran from my emotions for years now. i have ran from myself in many ways and on many levels. i guess it's only natural to shed the skin of your prior self and grown new, thicker more resilient skin. i have done just that. but i have forgotten who i was. i wanted to. i guess it's kinda sad. my life has long romanced tragedy. for many years i swan in that- bathing myself in sorrow and painting myself the deepest black. i had to undo that part of me. i exposed myself too much to my last love. almost to the point where i had nothing left to reveal. i gave him everything i had. so much that i had nothing left for myself. i put all my cards on the table and i left empty handed. i cannot explain how crushing and devastating that was- yet it was the most important lesson i may have ever learned. it was all i could do to move forward after investing so much. i guess after exploiting myself so stark naked, i felt the need to put some clothes on- to hide somethings. to regenerate myself. i have turned my life around completely and made something of myself when i was against all odds. however, there is still a part of me that is hollow. a part that aches and longs. its not easy to confront myself with that. its rather crippling. i read several pieces of writing i wrote about my ex recently and i was totally destroyed. its absolutely heartbreaking how deeply i felt for someone and how i would poignantly state how i felt. i wept as i recalled writing those things and i found comfort in the fact that i was capable of feeling something so beautiful. i was shameless. and i think love should always be. it brought back so many feelings and thoughts. many of you may not know this- but i am a hopeless romantic. i truly and completely loved with every notion i could have mustered. i threw myself into my relationship and never looked back. i do not regret one second. if anything- i miss that part of myself. the part that believes in love. the part that would do anything for it. now, it seems, i am much to jaded. but i can undo anything i do. and i must do this. i feel the need blossoming inside of me and creating a hunger so ravishing. i want to unravel myself and my let my guards tumble. i have hibernated my heart much too long and i cannot go any longer. i have too much to give. i've been so alone and i guess i have somewhat fell in love with that. i've learned so much. i've changed so much. but underneath it all, i am still an emotional and benevolent girl who longs for love. i feel like if i convey this, it will perpetuate the desire and bring me good fortune and positivity. so far i have been successful with this approach. i have been happier for the past week than i have been in a long while. that pleases me. i have made myself the best i can be and i value myself much more than i ever have. i'm sure someone can't help but notice that. it's all i can hope for.

scars to stars

i feel like im floating upon a cascade of lights
endless charade
lifeless parade
is everyone in this town just hiding from something
burying themselves in
someone else
burying themselves in sin
sin city
so gritty
sucks you in like quicksand
grips you tight
chews you up and spits you out
you cannot hide too long
in a city without trees
in a city so bleak
you will be exposed
you will be exploited
and this town will take you in
like its bastard child
and love you for it
nurture your scars
turn them to stars that light its own streets
endless lights for miles and miles
the town made of lights
still cannot hide its gross yet enrapturing dark

post birthday angst

when the fruits of your labor are dethroned
are you mutated?
do you desecrate yourself
when you give too much?
i find myself
girding the ability to be benevolent
to be selfless
because its always thrown
right back in my face
like some recycled filth
that stains my mind with the dark
ugly intentions you wear so proudly
are we really that selfish?
just a disgraceful waste
so disenchanting
disgusting
i should know better
then to put my neck on a platter
for those that can not give me any
ounce of their time
and yet i'm still right here
giving blood
this vampire romance
is stale
its only leaves you sucked dry
without enough strength to try
no escaping this perpetual doom
can we progress beyond
excuses and lies
the integrity of respect
is golden and cannot break easily
but the more i try to be a good person
the more you make a fool out of me

jaded and bitter know no other vessel quite as fitting

calm of the storm

sometimes i get lost in the middle of chaos
and i find comfort in
the silence
the solitude
the sheer simplicity
and i wonder why i can be so complicated
how i let things tie me down
i become laced into thoughts
and situations
and i feel like i cannot be
cut loose
but i forget the refreshing beauty of letting go
and letting things happen naturally
humans try so hard to grasp and control every detail
choking out the natural ebb and flow
and i just dont know
how can we evolve?
how can we coexist?
without letting things happen
forever lost in a hell we created
forever wondering why

lately

i've been busy creating art, i'll post some pictures here soon. it feels good. i still have a knack sorta. i am a little rusty! my birfday is in 8 days and i can't believe i will be 29. it's ok tho because i feel and look better then i have in a while. i'm excited about the future. i feel like good things are coming my way. i feel at harmony with the world. i'm such a hippie!


x.
aa

sick, sad world.

i hate when people babble mindless chatter that is of no importance. do people just say shit to hear themselves talk? no one cares if you're rolling a fat doobie and drinking a gallon of vodka. whoop-de-freaking-do! that's all you do. you're boring, you're predictable. spare me. it's the same tired rhetoric over and over like a blind game of verbal russian roulette. i wish someone would just blow their head off with a bullet of validity. i get so violent when i see people giving themselves away word by word. minute by minute. it's almost offensive. but i forget that people love mediocrity. i guess if people didnt- i would be surprised. sick sad world indeed.



x.
aa

sexter

i just watched dexter for the first time, [yes... i do plan on getting every penny out of my late blooming cable subscription!] and it was rather fascinating. i just love how it shows what he is thinking and how passionate he is about blood, more so than anything else. how he is so hollow inside, in terms of emotions, but has a thirst for killing the killer. it's pretty deep, dude. he is super intelligent and it made me realize that intelligence really turns me on. i guess it always has. it's funny- girls think it's all the rage to be overly sexual in a completely mindless, typical way. i guess some would say that i can fit into this category and i wouldn't disagree. i can be rather impetuous, as my libido is ginormous. yet- somehow there is more that gets my blood flowing then pure a primal sex drive. i find things sexy which many people may not. i find articulation sexy but, i also like shyness [probably more] . i think epic wit is hella sexy, as is sarcasm and humor. in general, i need mental stimulation in some form. you could have a body of a greek god but if there are no lights on up top- it may be hard for me to be into you. of course, physical attraction does come into play [don't be a snob- everyone needs it on some level] but i guess- i want the total package. it's so fucking hard to find. believe me.

there is nothing wrong with being sexual. i am. and i don't feel bad for it- ever. i think that being slutty is another thing. i like people who have sex appeal without trying too hard. anyone can be a slut or slutty. it's not really that hard or that impressive to me. but for me it's a lot more compelling when people are a bit more intelligent about it. i really like having an engaging conversation with someone where you can really step into someones mind and life. i love the sparkle people get in their eye when they talk about something they are passionate about. i guess that excitement is contagious- well at least to me it is. and... its really hot!

dexter is very unique. i think that is why all woman throw themselves at him. i think that mysterious element is intriguing. i have always been drawn towards mysterious people. people who tell a story with their eyes. people who see outside the norm. i know dexter is only a show- but he kinda seems like good date material. call it strange but- i understand people that think differently. i think its sexy. his level of intelligence is super erotic to me. mental sex if you will. too bad he isn't real. fuck.

x.
aa

tarzan antics

i think it's rather disturbing when men try to do things with testosterone to try to impress you. for example- i went to a free show last night at a bar. a friend's band was playing so i went with this guy as a semi-date [ i say that lightly- i drove and he paid for nothing]. he proceeds to look at me like a ham sammich and tries way too hard to impress me. then we go inside and i am clearly uncomfortable because of him and also because of social anxiety. a good male friend of mine shows up thankfully and i feel a bit more at ease. but this fool i went with- proceeds to act jealous of said male friend for no apparent reason. and what's worse is he is acquainted with said male friend and is well aware that he has a girlfriend. he proceeds to play pool with some ugly broad and text random people to try to make me jealous. it didn't work. i don't care. that shit doesn't work on me. but what i don't get is why- after already putting me in an already awkward situation- why would he further that awkwardness? i think that is really uncool and pretty much pissed me off. then today he tries to wax all apologetic. but i'm like- what are you apologizing for? it must have been a guilty subconscious.

i don't get it. i either attract this or something opposite of the spectrum in terms of overly effeminate men who are clingy and wimps with big mouths. i attract the damaged. i attract tragedy. i attract people who have nothing to offer me. yay!

moral of the story is: don't try to throw your prehistoric game at me. it will never work.

happy birfday to my pops

today is my father's birfday. he is the only parent i have left as, my mother died when i was 10. i just called him and i'm so emotional. i really miss him and my 2 sisters [my father and my sister are in kentucky and my other sister is in nashville]. it's extremely difficult to be in las vegas during times like this and also during holidays. i don't think people realize how trying it is for me.

it makes me sad when people bad mouth their family or take their family for granted. especially if they live in the same town as their parents. i wish i had that luxury! sometimes you just need to kind of comfort only your blood can bring. even if you're family is not that close [mine isn't- well i'm the outcast, so...], sometimes its just nice to have someone who will always be there no matter what. i don't really have that here in vegas. it really bothers me.

my dad and i don't get along great. i think out of me and my 2 sisters- my father and i have got along the least. of course- this has improved by leaps and bounds over the years. absence really does make the heart grow fonder. but i was a shitty daughter and really just a horrible human being in my formative years. i took a lot of things for granted and i was basically a disrespectful, self destructive asshole. i didn't give a fuck about anyone or anything. i don't even know that person now. i have learned so much over the years. but my dad has always been there for me, no matter what and it means so much to me now. it's quite humbling. i only hope i can be half the person my father is and be as devoted to giving and nourishing my family as he was. he definitely isn't the most emotional person and he doesn't have much to say but he always showed me he loved me. he did nothing less then give his last penny to feed and cloth me. there is nothing more i can ask for as a father.

furthermore

it disgusts me how much people give themselves away online. no one has anything of importance to say. everything is all on the surface and utterly meaningless. have we become accustomed to being un-original, boring robots? is there nothing sacred anymore? do we really have to share all the meaningless clutter about our lives and the whole world to feel better about ourselves? is online better communication than a phone call or even a text these days? how lazy are we? ugh!

i am just as guilty of the next person but i had to take a step back. i refuse this reliance on a luxury item. too many people are up in my business and think they can figure me out via the internet. although they have no idea how wrong they are- i must retract/hide/hold back. it make me uncomfortable. no one has anything valid to say. people take stupid quizzes and surveys so they don't have to think. i think that's bullshit. people need to think more. no more mind numbing garbage. it's just another way to turn you into the zombie you already are. fuck that.

in-betweens.

i need a change in a huge way. i'm so ready to leave vegas. i will never fall in love here. i know that. the only thing good here is my job. that's the only things that keeps me here. its fucking sad. i need to make a choice soon: work or love. i refuse to spend the rest of life alone. i want something deep and meaningful. something that can make me feel again. it's just so empty here. it's so hard to be positive when i am so numb to it all. i'm tired of burying my emotions. this town makes you do it. makes you unemotional and insensitive. makes you not care. makes you hard. i've never been so apathetic. that's not who i am or who i'll ever be. i don't want to be that person. i used to cherish my emotions. they used to define who i am. now i struggle to locate them. granted, i have increased my logic tenfold. but now it's time to find a balance. will i find it here? i somehow doubt it. i haven't so far. i feel like this place is a tourniquet and without the wound, there is nothing to fix.

insomiWACK

grrrrr! i tried taking gaba but no luck. i guess i have to stick with more destructive kinds of remedies. which may or may not include: red wine, masturbation, hot tub, underwater basket weaving...


seriously- FML. this shit is getting beyond old. any suggestions?

playing it safe? why don't you go play in traffic. bitches.

why are people overly critical and why do they hold you to impossible standards that they can't even uphold? it's like some sick and twisted charade of torture. i don't get it and i don't think its fair. to make demands when your own life is derailing- what is that all about? it's so funny people try to cut me down and make assumptions about me but no one really knows how hard it has been. i don't have to even explain it- my struggle is evident in everything i do. i would like to see anyone pick themselves up and move across country and start over. alone- with $700 and a car i later totaled. kneegrow, please! they would fail and i would laugh hysterically. i didn't fail. remember that as you spew out loose accusations that reflect jealousy. why don't you stop worrying about me and picking me apart and focus on yourself? stop wasting time on me- i'll be fine. you on the other hand... hmmm...

i hate people play it safe. making all the right, overly calculated decisions that their parents or family has laid out for them. fucking barf! take your suzy homemaker, white picket fence, stenciled life and fuck off! it's that kind of mentality that embraces normality and what is considered "acceptable." says who? you have to take a risk to make a difference in your life! people are such pansies sometimes. it makes me sick. like grow a pair dip shit. then they criticize you because you have the balls to do something good for yourself and make a brash move. when they wouldn't have the nerve. it just makes me laugh anymore! don't fucking come to me and tell me dick about this or that, when you surround yourself with comfort zones. what the fuck do you know? you're afraid to even get your toes wet. i jumped in- all the way in. sink or swim. do or do not- there is no try.

so pardon me if i am a bit defensive and a bit rough around the edges. i really can't take you seriously if you have had a cake walk life and yet think your life is so horrible. some of the shit you whine about- i would love to have as a problem. don't take things for granted! don't blow shit out of proportion. somethings are virtue in disguise. you just have to see it the right way. loss creates gain. expand your frame of thought. most of the shit people bitch about is self inflicted. and that only makes you a masochist which is a very disturbing and disgusting way to self destruct. get real.

i have a lot of respect for people who can take ownership to the things they do. it takes a big person to admit when they are wrong and swallow their pride. because- everyone is human. everyone makes mistakes. it's what you do with it that counts. you can lick your own wounds all you want but that's going to get you nowhere- except choking on your own blood. do something with it. there is nothing wrong with fucking up if you grow and learn. trust me- i'm the expert.

x.
aa


*random fact about me: i have really bad circulation. my nose, hands and toes are always cold. as we speak- i cant feel my toes. fuck!

reckoner.

this has been a very interesting week. lots of drama. a lot self created. this year is half over. wow! i'm making some changes. fuck complacency. i can't be a victim to routine. i gotta change it up.

people will hate on you if they think you threaten them in anyway. be it mentally, emotionally or physically. some people can be so grotesquely petty. they will claw you apart until you're virtually disassembled out of discontent with their own pathetic lives. i think its quite disgusting. lately i feel i can't praise myself because, then it seems like i am gloating and i can't feel sorry for myself because that is weak. but fuck all that bullshit! i shouldn't have to feel bad for achieving and i don't feel sorry for myself. i have a vast amount of self ownership. i take full responsibility for what i do. i will not pity myself and i cringe that others would pity me. that makes me sick! i do plow through hard times, as does anyone. but i have enough self awareness to acknowledge my short comings and try to intercept them before they get out of hand. obviously- i am not perfect. and no one is! i fuck up a lot and i do make mistakes. but that just makes me try harder. i do demand more out of myself than i probably should because i am a perfectionist and an over achiever. the reason for this is because i have experienced tremendous loss in my life. but after many years of using these things as a crutch- i have progressed beyond that. it has make me strong as a bull and its has also humbled me quite a bit. so in essence- i feel my overtly driven nature is a derivative of me wanting to overcome the past that haunted me for so many years. its a personal thing. i do not think i am better then the next person and i wouldn't ever. i try not to be overly critical on others as a twisted way of displacing my past. that's just plain futile. i need to demand more than that form myself. i have this fierce thirst to succeed. to go the extra mile. to push myself. i always will have a fire that burns inside of me. a fire makes me one of the most passionate beings on this earth.

of course, being that passionate does come with negative aspects as well. i have a temper from hell. i see red and i will tarnish your reputation if you cross me. i know this is an area of improvement [obviously]. i need to be more logical about my anger and channel it in a more effective manner. i guess there is a lot of rage and resentment from being a doormat for many years- where as now i simply will not accept any kind of disrespect, ever. and of course i go too far with it. for that, i do apologize! i wish i didn't take things to the extreme and become such a vindictive and cruel person. but the fact is- i do. but, at the very least, i do realize that this is destructive and immature. i can be quite a rational person at times so i know i have it in me to be better than that. i just need to find a point where i can stop it before it gets out of hand. stay tuned.

i am a complicated person. i guess some would say that is an understatement. fuck. i don't really know what to say about that- except its equal parts good and bad. good because i am not easy to figure out. bad because i can't figure myself out sometimes. FML! i am really trying to work on the grey matter in my life because i am such an extremist that there never was any grey area in between black and white for me. i am starting to work on this and open myself up to it. it's refreshing to say the least. it's given me a whole new perspective on many things. of course- it took me almost getting fired to make the change- but i guess that's just how it goes. i am grateful for that because it lead me too a slight mini enlightenment- if you will.

i guess you could say i'm in somewhat of a mid- life crisis. except, i'm not really at the mid-life age range [close but not quite] and i don't really see is as a crisis per say. its more just a new chapter of sorts. i have got a lot of things to figure out. in this past year, i have made major improvements to my life. got my own place, bought a new car, changed my eating habits, started going to the gym religiously, dropped mad weight, changed my aesthetic appearance, gave up boozing so heavily. i feel good! but there is still something missing. i feel like i have worked on myself so much that i have lost the concept of opening myself up to another individual. i have been very closed off and reclusive. i feel like i am now ready to go beyond that. i want to be vulnerable to someone else- i want to embrace that. i feel like i am completely over my devastating heart break. my relocation to vegas, to rid of aforementioned heartbreak, worked. i have been alone for a long time now and really kind of fell in love with it. but now i feel like it may be time to let someone in. as scary as that is- i think i am finally ready. this goes for both friendship and romantic affairs. and that feels really good. not that i am going to look for anything but just to know that i feel capable, is a virtue. its an amazing feeling. after all the torment and frustration and distorted self perception. after all the manipulation and confusion and struggle- i feel like i can hold my head up now! i feel like i can breathe! its so strange, i feel reborn and new. i'm so much more confident and strong. a totally different person. i'm so glad i took my time to heal and not rush into anything. 3 years ago, i thought i would never be able to let anyone close to me ever again. i thought i didn't have anything to offer anyone. i thought i would never love again. now- i know i will.

tonight reminded

me how i do not need to sweat the past and i need to embrace my future. someone [actually several people] told me the i was the hottest 29 year old they knew. that made me feel great. sometimes thats all it takes. heres to new opportunities and new adventures. i love my life <3


i feel amazing

time makes you bolder

i'll be 29 in one month. kinda scary. kinda exciting.


i always look forward to the future. what else can we look forward to?

i solomly swear...

... i am up to no good! oh fuck. what i meant to say is: i solemnly swear to update, up in this bitch, more! i must admit- i have somewhat of a knack for writing. i always have. i used to win creative writing contests when i was a wee young lass. now that i'm a grown up cunt- i feel there is more need to display my cunning linguist [har har] ways. it's one thing i know i am decent at. i don't want to take it for granted.



that being said, i would like to set forth some expectations:

1. i hate capitalization. loathe would be a better word. i'm all e.e. cummings about lowercasing. i will, however, entertain you with caps if i feel it is merited! i can also dazzle with italics and bold! :D so, if you're going to be a whiny ass bitch about it- seek petty ass needling, elsewhere. i promise you, i will make up for it with nice meaty, girthy... content. ha. pervs.

2. i am NOT the best at grammar, nor am i the best speller in the world. i will try to edit best i can- but let's not judge over something so utterly [in my mind] mundane. i have, for you're pretentious grammar nazi ways, tackled comma's lately. altho i may just get annoyed with them and give them the boot. stay tuned for that excitement!

3. try not to get offended- or try not to have a guilty conscience. i have an extremely big opinion and and even bigger mouf. i will spit fire if you piss me off- please believe! but i willn't name names. if you cannot handle and intelligent conversation/debate/bitch fest- refrain from reading this. because- i can almost guarantee i will piss you off. you have been warned! i don't want to read your tweets, all crying about shit later. i'm serious. buck up bitches!

4. i appreciate and welcome feedback and criticism. i like to think i have relatively thick skin. however, i do NOT welcome rude, un-warranted rhetoric. save it, kids.

5. i am vulgar. i will address controversial issues. again. if you want a PG 13 blog- this ain't the one! perhaps you would feel more comfortable with a less abrasive writer.

6. i make up words and i combine terms to make words and descriptions. i also like fragments, one word sentences and shortening words. fuck long walks on the beach and cuddling. deal with it.





okay... i think that is a good solid foundation. anyway, i need to get to the gym to work off this fatty pizza i just ate. FML. peace!


x.
aa

i've been neglecting this blog.

lemme revamp this with a survey!

THIRTEEN THINGS YOU LOVE:
1. hello kitty
2. playing rock band on xbox
3. writing
4. singing
5. cleaning
6. organizing things [i'm hella OCD]
7. autumn [not much of it in vegas :/]
8. twitter
9. conversating
10. sushi
11. learning
12. being humbled
13. getting tattooed

TWELVE MOVIES:
1. a clockwork orange
2. natural born killers
3. true romance
4. american psycho
5. fear and loathing in las vegas
6. pulp fiction
7. trainspotting
8. repo: the genetic opera
9. garden state
10. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
11. the notebook
12. closer

ELEVEN GOOD BANDS/ARTISTS:
1. mastadon
2. N.A.S.A.
3. converge
4. fleet foxes
5. morrissey
6. sanigold
7. crystal castles
8. a place to bury strangers
9. ghangis tron
10. paramore
11. atmosphere
[i got lazy and just put the CD's that are in car currently]

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOU:
1. workaholic
2. always at the gym
3. never answer the phone or call you back.
4. very intuitive
5. antisocial.
6. i dress like i am 8 years old.
7. i'm addicted to change
8. college graduate
9. outspoken
10. not nice

NINE GOOD FRIENDS:
1. you
2. don't
3. know
4. any
5. of
6. them
7. in
8. real
9. life

EIGHT FAVORITE FOODS/DRINKS:
1. sushi
2. pad see ew
3. avacado egg rolls
4. anything indian
5. hummus
6. fakin lettuce tomato
7. bloody mary
8. absinthe

SEVEN THINGS YOU WEAR DAILY:
1. septum ring
2. gauges
3. sunglasses
4. burts bee's chap stick
4. deodorant
5. fragrance
6. something shirt like
7. something that covers my lower body [pants, skirt, shorts, underoos]

SIX THINGS THAT YOU HATE:
1. people
2. posers
3. hippies
4. bad drivers
5. posers
6. spoiled brats

FIVE THINGS YOU DO DAILY:
1. drive
2. eat
3. sleep
4. pee
5. breathe

FOUR TELEVISION SHOWS YOU WATCH:
1. true blood
2. the tudors
3. flight of the conchords
4. californication

THREE THINGS YOU WANT:
1. a band
2. more ink
3. success

TWO THINGS YOU SAY OFTEN:
1. do the math
2. fail

ONE PERSON YOU COULD SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH:
1. no one yet