calm of the storm

sometimes i get lost in the middle of chaos
and i find comfort in
the silence
the solitude
the sheer simplicity
and i wonder why i can be so complicated
how i let things tie me down
i become laced into thoughts
and situations
and i feel like i cannot be
cut loose
but i forget the refreshing beauty of letting go
and letting things happen naturally
humans try so hard to grasp and control every detail
choking out the natural ebb and flow
and i just dont know
how can we evolve?
how can we coexist?
without letting things happen
forever lost in a hell we created
forever wondering why

lately

i've been busy creating art, i'll post some pictures here soon. it feels good. i still have a knack sorta. i am a little rusty! my birfday is in 8 days and i can't believe i will be 29. it's ok tho because i feel and look better then i have in a while. i'm excited about the future. i feel like good things are coming my way. i feel at harmony with the world. i'm such a hippie!


x.
aa

sick, sad world.

i hate when people babble mindless chatter that is of no importance. do people just say shit to hear themselves talk? no one cares if you're rolling a fat doobie and drinking a gallon of vodka. whoop-de-freaking-do! that's all you do. you're boring, you're predictable. spare me. it's the same tired rhetoric over and over like a blind game of verbal russian roulette. i wish someone would just blow their head off with a bullet of validity. i get so violent when i see people giving themselves away word by word. minute by minute. it's almost offensive. but i forget that people love mediocrity. i guess if people didnt- i would be surprised. sick sad world indeed.



x.
aa

sexter

i just watched dexter for the first time, [yes... i do plan on getting every penny out of my late blooming cable subscription!] and it was rather fascinating. i just love how it shows what he is thinking and how passionate he is about blood, more so than anything else. how he is so hollow inside, in terms of emotions, but has a thirst for killing the killer. it's pretty deep, dude. he is super intelligent and it made me realize that intelligence really turns me on. i guess it always has. it's funny- girls think it's all the rage to be overly sexual in a completely mindless, typical way. i guess some would say that i can fit into this category and i wouldn't disagree. i can be rather impetuous, as my libido is ginormous. yet- somehow there is more that gets my blood flowing then pure a primal sex drive. i find things sexy which many people may not. i find articulation sexy but, i also like shyness [probably more] . i think epic wit is hella sexy, as is sarcasm and humor. in general, i need mental stimulation in some form. you could have a body of a greek god but if there are no lights on up top- it may be hard for me to be into you. of course, physical attraction does come into play [don't be a snob- everyone needs it on some level] but i guess- i want the total package. it's so fucking hard to find. believe me.

there is nothing wrong with being sexual. i am. and i don't feel bad for it- ever. i think that being slutty is another thing. i like people who have sex appeal without trying too hard. anyone can be a slut or slutty. it's not really that hard or that impressive to me. but for me it's a lot more compelling when people are a bit more intelligent about it. i really like having an engaging conversation with someone where you can really step into someones mind and life. i love the sparkle people get in their eye when they talk about something they are passionate about. i guess that excitement is contagious- well at least to me it is. and... its really hot!

dexter is very unique. i think that is why all woman throw themselves at him. i think that mysterious element is intriguing. i have always been drawn towards mysterious people. people who tell a story with their eyes. people who see outside the norm. i know dexter is only a show- but he kinda seems like good date material. call it strange but- i understand people that think differently. i think its sexy. his level of intelligence is super erotic to me. mental sex if you will. too bad he isn't real. fuck.

x.
aa

tarzan antics

i think it's rather disturbing when men try to do things with testosterone to try to impress you. for example- i went to a free show last night at a bar. a friend's band was playing so i went with this guy as a semi-date [ i say that lightly- i drove and he paid for nothing]. he proceeds to look at me like a ham sammich and tries way too hard to impress me. then we go inside and i am clearly uncomfortable because of him and also because of social anxiety. a good male friend of mine shows up thankfully and i feel a bit more at ease. but this fool i went with- proceeds to act jealous of said male friend for no apparent reason. and what's worse is he is acquainted with said male friend and is well aware that he has a girlfriend. he proceeds to play pool with some ugly broad and text random people to try to make me jealous. it didn't work. i don't care. that shit doesn't work on me. but what i don't get is why- after already putting me in an already awkward situation- why would he further that awkwardness? i think that is really uncool and pretty much pissed me off. then today he tries to wax all apologetic. but i'm like- what are you apologizing for? it must have been a guilty subconscious.

i don't get it. i either attract this or something opposite of the spectrum in terms of overly effeminate men who are clingy and wimps with big mouths. i attract the damaged. i attract tragedy. i attract people who have nothing to offer me. yay!

moral of the story is: don't try to throw your prehistoric game at me. it will never work.

happy birfday to my pops

today is my father's birfday. he is the only parent i have left as, my mother died when i was 10. i just called him and i'm so emotional. i really miss him and my 2 sisters [my father and my sister are in kentucky and my other sister is in nashville]. it's extremely difficult to be in las vegas during times like this and also during holidays. i don't think people realize how trying it is for me.

it makes me sad when people bad mouth their family or take their family for granted. especially if they live in the same town as their parents. i wish i had that luxury! sometimes you just need to kind of comfort only your blood can bring. even if you're family is not that close [mine isn't- well i'm the outcast, so...], sometimes its just nice to have someone who will always be there no matter what. i don't really have that here in vegas. it really bothers me.

my dad and i don't get along great. i think out of me and my 2 sisters- my father and i have got along the least. of course- this has improved by leaps and bounds over the years. absence really does make the heart grow fonder. but i was a shitty daughter and really just a horrible human being in my formative years. i took a lot of things for granted and i was basically a disrespectful, self destructive asshole. i didn't give a fuck about anyone or anything. i don't even know that person now. i have learned so much over the years. but my dad has always been there for me, no matter what and it means so much to me now. it's quite humbling. i only hope i can be half the person my father is and be as devoted to giving and nourishing my family as he was. he definitely isn't the most emotional person and he doesn't have much to say but he always showed me he loved me. he did nothing less then give his last penny to feed and cloth me. there is nothing more i can ask for as a father.

furthermore

it disgusts me how much people give themselves away online. no one has anything of importance to say. everything is all on the surface and utterly meaningless. have we become accustomed to being un-original, boring robots? is there nothing sacred anymore? do we really have to share all the meaningless clutter about our lives and the whole world to feel better about ourselves? is online better communication than a phone call or even a text these days? how lazy are we? ugh!

i am just as guilty of the next person but i had to take a step back. i refuse this reliance on a luxury item. too many people are up in my business and think they can figure me out via the internet. although they have no idea how wrong they are- i must retract/hide/hold back. it make me uncomfortable. no one has anything valid to say. people take stupid quizzes and surveys so they don't have to think. i think that's bullshit. people need to think more. no more mind numbing garbage. it's just another way to turn you into the zombie you already are. fuck that.

in-betweens.

i need a change in a huge way. i'm so ready to leave vegas. i will never fall in love here. i know that. the only thing good here is my job. that's the only things that keeps me here. its fucking sad. i need to make a choice soon: work or love. i refuse to spend the rest of life alone. i want something deep and meaningful. something that can make me feel again. it's just so empty here. it's so hard to be positive when i am so numb to it all. i'm tired of burying my emotions. this town makes you do it. makes you unemotional and insensitive. makes you not care. makes you hard. i've never been so apathetic. that's not who i am or who i'll ever be. i don't want to be that person. i used to cherish my emotions. they used to define who i am. now i struggle to locate them. granted, i have increased my logic tenfold. but now it's time to find a balance. will i find it here? i somehow doubt it. i haven't so far. i feel like this place is a tourniquet and without the wound, there is nothing to fix.

insomiWACK

grrrrr! i tried taking gaba but no luck. i guess i have to stick with more destructive kinds of remedies. which may or may not include: red wine, masturbation, hot tub, underwater basket weaving...


seriously- FML. this shit is getting beyond old. any suggestions?

playing it safe? why don't you go play in traffic. bitches.

why are people overly critical and why do they hold you to impossible standards that they can't even uphold? it's like some sick and twisted charade of torture. i don't get it and i don't think its fair. to make demands when your own life is derailing- what is that all about? it's so funny people try to cut me down and make assumptions about me but no one really knows how hard it has been. i don't have to even explain it- my struggle is evident in everything i do. i would like to see anyone pick themselves up and move across country and start over. alone- with $700 and a car i later totaled. kneegrow, please! they would fail and i would laugh hysterically. i didn't fail. remember that as you spew out loose accusations that reflect jealousy. why don't you stop worrying about me and picking me apart and focus on yourself? stop wasting time on me- i'll be fine. you on the other hand... hmmm...

i hate people play it safe. making all the right, overly calculated decisions that their parents or family has laid out for them. fucking barf! take your suzy homemaker, white picket fence, stenciled life and fuck off! it's that kind of mentality that embraces normality and what is considered "acceptable." says who? you have to take a risk to make a difference in your life! people are such pansies sometimes. it makes me sick. like grow a pair dip shit. then they criticize you because you have the balls to do something good for yourself and make a brash move. when they wouldn't have the nerve. it just makes me laugh anymore! don't fucking come to me and tell me dick about this or that, when you surround yourself with comfort zones. what the fuck do you know? you're afraid to even get your toes wet. i jumped in- all the way in. sink or swim. do or do not- there is no try.

so pardon me if i am a bit defensive and a bit rough around the edges. i really can't take you seriously if you have had a cake walk life and yet think your life is so horrible. some of the shit you whine about- i would love to have as a problem. don't take things for granted! don't blow shit out of proportion. somethings are virtue in disguise. you just have to see it the right way. loss creates gain. expand your frame of thought. most of the shit people bitch about is self inflicted. and that only makes you a masochist which is a very disturbing and disgusting way to self destruct. get real.

i have a lot of respect for people who can take ownership to the things they do. it takes a big person to admit when they are wrong and swallow their pride. because- everyone is human. everyone makes mistakes. it's what you do with it that counts. you can lick your own wounds all you want but that's going to get you nowhere- except choking on your own blood. do something with it. there is nothing wrong with fucking up if you grow and learn. trust me- i'm the expert.

x.
aa


*random fact about me: i have really bad circulation. my nose, hands and toes are always cold. as we speak- i cant feel my toes. fuck!

reckoner.

this has been a very interesting week. lots of drama. a lot self created. this year is half over. wow! i'm making some changes. fuck complacency. i can't be a victim to routine. i gotta change it up.

people will hate on you if they think you threaten them in anyway. be it mentally, emotionally or physically. some people can be so grotesquely petty. they will claw you apart until you're virtually disassembled out of discontent with their own pathetic lives. i think its quite disgusting. lately i feel i can't praise myself because, then it seems like i am gloating and i can't feel sorry for myself because that is weak. but fuck all that bullshit! i shouldn't have to feel bad for achieving and i don't feel sorry for myself. i have a vast amount of self ownership. i take full responsibility for what i do. i will not pity myself and i cringe that others would pity me. that makes me sick! i do plow through hard times, as does anyone. but i have enough self awareness to acknowledge my short comings and try to intercept them before they get out of hand. obviously- i am not perfect. and no one is! i fuck up a lot and i do make mistakes. but that just makes me try harder. i do demand more out of myself than i probably should because i am a perfectionist and an over achiever. the reason for this is because i have experienced tremendous loss in my life. but after many years of using these things as a crutch- i have progressed beyond that. it has make me strong as a bull and its has also humbled me quite a bit. so in essence- i feel my overtly driven nature is a derivative of me wanting to overcome the past that haunted me for so many years. its a personal thing. i do not think i am better then the next person and i wouldn't ever. i try not to be overly critical on others as a twisted way of displacing my past. that's just plain futile. i need to demand more than that form myself. i have this fierce thirst to succeed. to go the extra mile. to push myself. i always will have a fire that burns inside of me. a fire makes me one of the most passionate beings on this earth.

of course, being that passionate does come with negative aspects as well. i have a temper from hell. i see red and i will tarnish your reputation if you cross me. i know this is an area of improvement [obviously]. i need to be more logical about my anger and channel it in a more effective manner. i guess there is a lot of rage and resentment from being a doormat for many years- where as now i simply will not accept any kind of disrespect, ever. and of course i go too far with it. for that, i do apologize! i wish i didn't take things to the extreme and become such a vindictive and cruel person. but the fact is- i do. but, at the very least, i do realize that this is destructive and immature. i can be quite a rational person at times so i know i have it in me to be better than that. i just need to find a point where i can stop it before it gets out of hand. stay tuned.

i am a complicated person. i guess some would say that is an understatement. fuck. i don't really know what to say about that- except its equal parts good and bad. good because i am not easy to figure out. bad because i can't figure myself out sometimes. FML! i am really trying to work on the grey matter in my life because i am such an extremist that there never was any grey area in between black and white for me. i am starting to work on this and open myself up to it. it's refreshing to say the least. it's given me a whole new perspective on many things. of course- it took me almost getting fired to make the change- but i guess that's just how it goes. i am grateful for that because it lead me too a slight mini enlightenment- if you will.

i guess you could say i'm in somewhat of a mid- life crisis. except, i'm not really at the mid-life age range [close but not quite] and i don't really see is as a crisis per say. its more just a new chapter of sorts. i have got a lot of things to figure out. in this past year, i have made major improvements to my life. got my own place, bought a new car, changed my eating habits, started going to the gym religiously, dropped mad weight, changed my aesthetic appearance, gave up boozing so heavily. i feel good! but there is still something missing. i feel like i have worked on myself so much that i have lost the concept of opening myself up to another individual. i have been very closed off and reclusive. i feel like i am now ready to go beyond that. i want to be vulnerable to someone else- i want to embrace that. i feel like i am completely over my devastating heart break. my relocation to vegas, to rid of aforementioned heartbreak, worked. i have been alone for a long time now and really kind of fell in love with it. but now i feel like it may be time to let someone in. as scary as that is- i think i am finally ready. this goes for both friendship and romantic affairs. and that feels really good. not that i am going to look for anything but just to know that i feel capable, is a virtue. its an amazing feeling. after all the torment and frustration and distorted self perception. after all the manipulation and confusion and struggle- i feel like i can hold my head up now! i feel like i can breathe! its so strange, i feel reborn and new. i'm so much more confident and strong. a totally different person. i'm so glad i took my time to heal and not rush into anything. 3 years ago, i thought i would never be able to let anyone close to me ever again. i thought i didn't have anything to offer anyone. i thought i would never love again. now- i know i will.

tonight reminded

me how i do not need to sweat the past and i need to embrace my future. someone [actually several people] told me the i was the hottest 29 year old they knew. that made me feel great. sometimes thats all it takes. heres to new opportunities and new adventures. i love my life <3


i feel amazing

time makes you bolder

i'll be 29 in one month. kinda scary. kinda exciting.


i always look forward to the future. what else can we look forward to?

i solomly swear...

... i am up to no good! oh fuck. what i meant to say is: i solemnly swear to update, up in this bitch, more! i must admit- i have somewhat of a knack for writing. i always have. i used to win creative writing contests when i was a wee young lass. now that i'm a grown up cunt- i feel there is more need to display my cunning linguist [har har] ways. it's one thing i know i am decent at. i don't want to take it for granted.



that being said, i would like to set forth some expectations:

1. i hate capitalization. loathe would be a better word. i'm all e.e. cummings about lowercasing. i will, however, entertain you with caps if i feel it is merited! i can also dazzle with italics and bold! :D so, if you're going to be a whiny ass bitch about it- seek petty ass needling, elsewhere. i promise you, i will make up for it with nice meaty, girthy... content. ha. pervs.

2. i am NOT the best at grammar, nor am i the best speller in the world. i will try to edit best i can- but let's not judge over something so utterly [in my mind] mundane. i have, for you're pretentious grammar nazi ways, tackled comma's lately. altho i may just get annoyed with them and give them the boot. stay tuned for that excitement!

3. try not to get offended- or try not to have a guilty conscience. i have an extremely big opinion and and even bigger mouf. i will spit fire if you piss me off- please believe! but i willn't name names. if you cannot handle and intelligent conversation/debate/bitch fest- refrain from reading this. because- i can almost guarantee i will piss you off. you have been warned! i don't want to read your tweets, all crying about shit later. i'm serious. buck up bitches!

4. i appreciate and welcome feedback and criticism. i like to think i have relatively thick skin. however, i do NOT welcome rude, un-warranted rhetoric. save it, kids.

5. i am vulgar. i will address controversial issues. again. if you want a PG 13 blog- this ain't the one! perhaps you would feel more comfortable with a less abrasive writer.

6. i make up words and i combine terms to make words and descriptions. i also like fragments, one word sentences and shortening words. fuck long walks on the beach and cuddling. deal with it.





okay... i think that is a good solid foundation. anyway, i need to get to the gym to work off this fatty pizza i just ate. FML. peace!


x.
aa