1. this made my night last night: "as beautiful as you are, you are so much more beautiful when youre having sex." does this mean i should constantly have sex? [rhetorical question]
2. my nose was running and i didn't t want to get up because i'm in a sex coma and naked, he offered me a clean t-shirt to blow my nose in. how cute is that?
it's the small things in life, you know.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
heart art
i feel like he colors me in
with vibrant hues of real emotion
deep
rich
magnetic
he installs a new color wheel
one that changes the rules
one that makes me shine brighter
one that is more intense than any color
complimenting me with
stunning artistry
bold and bellowing
into every crevice
on the canvas of me
once so desolate
once so desperate
kiss the blank alive
with tides of beauty
virtues of potential
in a wave of fresh color
the eye has never seen
compelling with every drop
enticing with every sway of his brush
with vibrant hues of real emotion
deep
rich
magnetic
he installs a new color wheel
one that changes the rules
one that makes me shine brighter
one that is more intense than any color
complimenting me with
stunning artistry
bold and bellowing
into every crevice
on the canvas of me
once so desolate
once so desperate
kiss the blank alive
with tides of beauty
virtues of potential
in a wave of fresh color
the eye has never seen
compelling with every drop
enticing with every sway of his brush
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
it's hard for me to write when i am content
thus the lack of blogging as of late. i feel like i'm blossoming. it's an enlightening experience. kind of like experimenting with drugs for the first time. discovering things about yourself to unlock and maybe just to revamp. it's just so fulfilling! i feel so pretty and desired, more so than i have for years now. the best part is- i deserve it. it feels really fucking good to say that. for almost 3 years now- i haven't felt i deserved happiness. i had to heal. i had to re- think my whole perception of myself, my whole stance. it was extremely difficult. i don't think i have ever been tested quite like that before. the funny thing is- i did it to myself. i had to. i had to harden the fuck up and get my skin thicker. i knew i had to do it to avenge my broken heart and to survive in this town. it's so different from where i am from. i don't think people understand how hard. kentucky is a simpler way of life, a slower way. it grounded me. i think a lot of people lack that here in vegas. i'm very greatful for that. but all in all, i feel very humbled and capeable. i found someone special that i have a magical chemistry with. it is, in every way compelling and justifying. it's odd how guarded i was and how damaged i was with my heart. i guess it seemed it would never mend. but the best part is i healed it myself. and now i know i can take on anything hard and in return will be bestowed with more lavish gifts and better, more enriching people. the bigger the fall the greater rewards to reap. this has been years in the making and i am savoring every moment!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
it's funny
when guys you used to bang tell mutual friends we 'agreed' not to talk anymore. how is its 'agreeing' when i hung up on you and you pleaded with me to talk to you afterward? gimme a fucking break, you pussy! you were never good enough for me and you know it. why would you lie? to make yourself look better for getting played? just like you lied and told people i was your girlfriend? riiiiiiight! i stopped talking to you- make no mistake. we didn't agree on anything you fucking retard. you flipped out on me for the last time and i said 'i'm not going to have this conversation with you ever again'. and then i hung up on you and i havent spoken to your sorry ass since. all you did was bring me grief and i'm sorry i ever fucked you. you weren't even attractive to me anyway. get over yourself. dont make me post the text message conversations. i'll do it. you need to accept your defeat and have some integrity for once.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
i wrote this 4 years ago
june 6th, 2005
little present, wrapped up with potential.
smiles come frequently now and soil the dark.
how ravishing, how unexpected.
her spark of relentless has ignited.
stops you
shocks you
silly boys that wanted to know.
yearned for a chance.
but she ran and ran.
forward from the unknown
didn't want to be miscontrued
or used
or sold short
before- she was the mistress of the helpless.
represented well.
all wrapped up in worries.
but fallen from the throne of the dead.
still mindful of her pain.
she chose to be alive
no more loss- only gain
eyes and tears and blood
only kept for one
a savage force that she had lost along the way.
sad she was. lonely she felt.
she only wanted to disintegrate together.
and melt into eyes of tomorrow
die by his side
forget the sins
that had washed her beauty out.
so ugly before.
he built her up enough to restore.
made her new,but so weak inside
un came the glue.
of perhaps and maybe it was too soon
tumbling down into rut of "not good enough"
she peeled off her intentions.
she was naked in thought and felt so small.
but thought she did and scared she crawled.
no time for admirers, she blew them off.
like the dust of a heart shelved
so very long ago
but they were attracted to her mystery.
to her independence.
her knowing pain.
she wore it well
it spoke their name
her comforting presence
that unfolded so many secrets from others.
a trusted diary many consoled,
and she healed them.
she helped them.
but she could not help herself
and so she inverted and distanced her wealth
just now- coming out of her shell
just now- knowing what she lost
just now- knowing what she needed
just now- feeling that she was worth something
and that someone would feel it a prize and latch on tight,
hold her hand. feel her might.
passioned souls fall hard yet comes from below.
shows you just what she is made of
becomes the one you've always dreamed of
you bite your lip and feel shamed for underestimating
what she can do
with this pain....
thunder crashes when she opens her eyes and as she wipes a tear,
with blood on fire- she has survived.
stregnth
immortal
forever.
little present, wrapped up with potential.
smiles come frequently now and soil the dark.
how ravishing, how unexpected.
her spark of relentless has ignited.
stops you
shocks you
silly boys that wanted to know.
yearned for a chance.
but she ran and ran.
forward from the unknown
didn't want to be miscontrued
or used
or sold short
before- she was the mistress of the helpless.
represented well.
all wrapped up in worries.
but fallen from the throne of the dead.
still mindful of her pain.
she chose to be alive
no more loss- only gain
eyes and tears and blood
only kept for one
a savage force that she had lost along the way.
sad she was. lonely she felt.
she only wanted to disintegrate together.
and melt into eyes of tomorrow
die by his side
forget the sins
that had washed her beauty out.
so ugly before.
he built her up enough to restore.
made her new,but so weak inside
un came the glue.
of perhaps and maybe it was too soon
tumbling down into rut of "not good enough"
she peeled off her intentions.
she was naked in thought and felt so small.
but thought she did and scared she crawled.
no time for admirers, she blew them off.
like the dust of a heart shelved
so very long ago
but they were attracted to her mystery.
to her independence.
her knowing pain.
she wore it well
it spoke their name
her comforting presence
that unfolded so many secrets from others.
a trusted diary many consoled,
and she healed them.
she helped them.
but she could not help herself
and so she inverted and distanced her wealth
just now- coming out of her shell
just now- knowing what she lost
just now- knowing what she needed
just now- feeling that she was worth something
and that someone would feel it a prize and latch on tight,
hold her hand. feel her might.
passioned souls fall hard yet comes from below.
shows you just what she is made of
becomes the one you've always dreamed of
you bite your lip and feel shamed for underestimating
what she can do
with this pain....
thunder crashes when she opens her eyes and as she wipes a tear,
with blood on fire- she has survived.
stregnth
immortal
forever.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
grrr
i'm super pissed at my employer right now. i'm a sales rep. i sell internet accounts. we get a report that lets us know how many sales we have. so i checked my pay statment for this pay period and my commision is off. apparently- the report we get is not the one we get paid on. hence- my check is short. how the fuck does that makes sense? and how is it fair? i think its it's utter horse shit. what's worse is this is the second time this has happened. i think this is unacceptable and i will not tolerate this kind of treatment. if your ONLY job is to report numbers, numbers thats people rely on to live, then why can't you get it right? if that is your sole purpose and you fuck that up- your job should be taken. there is no other alternative. it's enraging.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
surveys are for unoriginal fucks.
1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
indeed. but it's been a long time. i'm pretty much over my rougeish days.
2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
that defeats the purpose of even riding one. don't be a pussy!
3. When was the last time you went sledding?
fuck you! it's been far too long and now i live in the desert. fuck.
4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
alone. unless the other person is worth sharing my warmth. not many are.
5. Do you believe in ghosts?
i've never seen one. no.
6. Do you consider yourself creative?
you can thank my parents for that. i'm exceptionally creative.
7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
i do. but i was so tired of seeing it on every channel when i was 14-15 i could have puked.
8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
jennifer aniston is talentless and boring. i love angelina jolie. she talented and totally bang-able.
9. Can you honestly say you know ANYTHING about politics?
i'm pretty novice honestly. but i'm learning.
10. Do you know how to play poker?
yes but i suck balls at it. probably a good thing since i live in vegas. i'm horrible at gambling all around.
11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
indeed. you start hallucinating without recreational drugs. i don't recommend it.
12. What's your favorite commercial?
i only have cable to watch HBO and showtime. do the math.
13. Who was your first love?
he knows.
14. If you're driving in the middle of the night and no one is around you, do you run a red light?
no that's like saying it's only wrong if you get caught. basically like traffic equivocation. you should get a ticket for being a a victim of sub-conscious consequence justification. wack.
15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
everyone does.
16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
psht- da cubs!
17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
yes and i'll take roller skating any day of the week.at least then when you bust your ass it's not also cold.
18. How often do you remember your dreams?
you only remember the dreams you wake from- so i remember the dreams i wake from. and my dreams are so raw and violent, i should be locked in a padded room for having them. i can't even tell people about them because they are so insane- everyone looks at me like i'm a nutbag after. serious.
19. What's the one thing on your mind?
someone rad. and a bloody mary.
20. Do you always wear your seat belt?
always. i think not doing so is pure laziness.
21. What talent do you wish you had?
teleportation. would come in handy since my family lives in 'tucky.
22. Do you like Sushi?
it's the nectar of the gods. and i don't even believe in god. i would love to eat it everyday. mad delish!
23. What do you wear to bed?
depends on who i am with.
24. Do you truly hate anyone?
hate is a strong word. thats why i use it. and yes- some people i downright loathe.
25. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
too hard. can i just pick the whole cast of true blood instead?!
26. Do you know anyone in jail?
not currently.
27. What food do you find disgusting?
fast food [in n out is excluded and so is drunk del taco seshes] and pretty much anything that is over processed and un-natural. it's amazing what filth people consume. and also how much destruction i did to my body over the years.
28. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
no i'm too blunt. i stab in the front.
29. Have you ever been punched in the face?
i have. but only after i punched him first.
30. Do you believe in angels and demons?
that would mean i believe in heaven or hell. and i dont. but i know many angels and demons that are human. just sayin'!
indeed. but it's been a long time. i'm pretty much over my rougeish days.
2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
that defeats the purpose of even riding one. don't be a pussy!
3. When was the last time you went sledding?
fuck you! it's been far too long and now i live in the desert. fuck.
4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
alone. unless the other person is worth sharing my warmth. not many are.
5. Do you believe in ghosts?
i've never seen one. no.
6. Do you consider yourself creative?
you can thank my parents for that. i'm exceptionally creative.
7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
i do. but i was so tired of seeing it on every channel when i was 14-15 i could have puked.
8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
jennifer aniston is talentless and boring. i love angelina jolie. she talented and totally bang-able.
9. Can you honestly say you know ANYTHING about politics?
i'm pretty novice honestly. but i'm learning.
10. Do you know how to play poker?
yes but i suck balls at it. probably a good thing since i live in vegas. i'm horrible at gambling all around.
11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
indeed. you start hallucinating without recreational drugs. i don't recommend it.
12. What's your favorite commercial?
i only have cable to watch HBO and showtime. do the math.
13. Who was your first love?
he knows.
14. If you're driving in the middle of the night and no one is around you, do you run a red light?
no that's like saying it's only wrong if you get caught. basically like traffic equivocation. you should get a ticket for being a a victim of sub-conscious consequence justification. wack.
15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
everyone does.
16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
psht- da cubs!
17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
yes and i'll take roller skating any day of the week.at least then when you bust your ass it's not also cold.
18. How often do you remember your dreams?
you only remember the dreams you wake from- so i remember the dreams i wake from. and my dreams are so raw and violent, i should be locked in a padded room for having them. i can't even tell people about them because they are so insane- everyone looks at me like i'm a nutbag after. serious.
19. What's the one thing on your mind?
someone rad. and a bloody mary.
20. Do you always wear your seat belt?
always. i think not doing so is pure laziness.
21. What talent do you wish you had?
teleportation. would come in handy since my family lives in 'tucky.
22. Do you like Sushi?
it's the nectar of the gods. and i don't even believe in god. i would love to eat it everyday. mad delish!
23. What do you wear to bed?
depends on who i am with.
24. Do you truly hate anyone?
hate is a strong word. thats why i use it. and yes- some people i downright loathe.
25. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
too hard. can i just pick the whole cast of true blood instead?!
26. Do you know anyone in jail?
not currently.
27. What food do you find disgusting?
fast food [in n out is excluded and so is drunk del taco seshes] and pretty much anything that is over processed and un-natural. it's amazing what filth people consume. and also how much destruction i did to my body over the years.
28. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
no i'm too blunt. i stab in the front.
29. Have you ever been punched in the face?
i have. but only after i punched him first.
30. Do you believe in angels and demons?
that would mean i believe in heaven or hell. and i dont. but i know many angels and demons that are human. just sayin'!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
nothing quite like the feel of something new
i moved into a new apartment on tuesday. it's way bigger than what i had previously and i'm paying the same price! it's so refreshing to start over for me, however small. i had a lot of bad experience there and i needed to shed that skin. i had to get away from negative influences and people. i feel so much better. i love my new place because it's bigger and newer. "nothing quite like the feel of something new"- right? yes. i'm stoked. everytime i make tiny milestones like this- i get so excited!
i recently met someone, through a friend of mine, who is amazing. our first date was a week ago at a karaoke bar and it was probably the best first date i have ever had. we were planning on meeting on saturday to have a pool outing with mutual friends, but i passed along my number to him first, so i could get to know him a little better. we had a compelling conversation for about 5 hours while i was at work via text and he decided he wanted to meet me that night instead of waiting. so we meet up and this old drunk comes up to us and tried to pitch his mortgage scam at us. me being a sales person- knew better. so the old dude worked another angle and asked how long we have been a couple [keep in mind i had just met this guy like 30 minutes prior]. i said we've been together for 3 years and were getting married. he didn't doubt me. but i think a karaoke bar is the best place to get to know someone. we proceeded to get super drunk and had epic conversation that gelled so smoothly. we ended up leaving good and liquored up- probably too drunk to drive. he drove us to some random parking lot that i felt i had been before and started to make out. i had serious de ja vu. i then recalled i had a dream about that situation before i ever met him. kinda like it was fate. very strange that i had such a premonition.
he said "seriously, you're the coolest, most fun, most beautiful girl i've met in ages." i couldn't have been more delighted to meet someone like him. i had almost given up hope on meeting any one worth a shit in this town. he's a writer, super attractive, super intelligent, has a steady income, a car, no kids and no ex wives. he is also older than me. most men around my age have one of those handicaps. now don't give me shit for my preference. it's what i desire. and you cannot make me feel bad for it. i'm happy and i may even have a boyfriend for the first time in 3 years! we'll see. i really like him though and he makes me smile.
i recently met someone, through a friend of mine, who is amazing. our first date was a week ago at a karaoke bar and it was probably the best first date i have ever had. we were planning on meeting on saturday to have a pool outing with mutual friends, but i passed along my number to him first, so i could get to know him a little better. we had a compelling conversation for about 5 hours while i was at work via text and he decided he wanted to meet me that night instead of waiting. so we meet up and this old drunk comes up to us and tried to pitch his mortgage scam at us. me being a sales person- knew better. so the old dude worked another angle and asked how long we have been a couple [keep in mind i had just met this guy like 30 minutes prior]. i said we've been together for 3 years and were getting married. he didn't doubt me. but i think a karaoke bar is the best place to get to know someone. we proceeded to get super drunk and had epic conversation that gelled so smoothly. we ended up leaving good and liquored up- probably too drunk to drive. he drove us to some random parking lot that i felt i had been before and started to make out. i had serious de ja vu. i then recalled i had a dream about that situation before i ever met him. kinda like it was fate. very strange that i had such a premonition.
he said "seriously, you're the coolest, most fun, most beautiful girl i've met in ages." i couldn't have been more delighted to meet someone like him. i had almost given up hope on meeting any one worth a shit in this town. he's a writer, super attractive, super intelligent, has a steady income, a car, no kids and no ex wives. he is also older than me. most men around my age have one of those handicaps. now don't give me shit for my preference. it's what i desire. and you cannot make me feel bad for it. i'm happy and i may even have a boyfriend for the first time in 3 years! we'll see. i really like him though and he makes me smile.
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