.

did they mispronounce your name?
did they spell it wrong?
spell you wrong?
underestimate you?
no one ever gets it.
physical pleasure are but that.
giving away your DNA
but not your heart
write you prayers on your veins
immerse them in the blood
thick as mud
winding down
and falling out
did you find yourself in the chaos?
did you lose yourself in her eyes?
what did they say about
the way you intertwined
does it stop you now?
did you even shed a tear?
no one is ever completely without blame
no one is ever completely without pain
stitch the dissonance with heavy sighs
you cannot escape the fire in her lies
wanting to become something more
wanting something worth fighting for
but you gave all you could
you gave out
she gave up
and there was nothing but emptiness
lying on the floor
and now you can do nothing more
but walk away
try as you may
try as fast as you can
you cant escape
the grip
the grit
tomorrow is only a regret away

this ocean always floods the desert in the worst way

in rage there is beauty

the fire inside me needs to unfurl
in rage there is beauty
when it doesnt matter how hard you try
things fall apart
there is calm in that somehow
the vicious cycle of life
sometimes thats all i have
and i want to set the future on fire
inhale the fumes of the past
and burn myself on the present
and thats the only way i can be
with ribbons of devotion
i will choke your false intentions
pretty can get dirty
and discontent can get gritty
peeling away layers of defenses
only to realign
stronger than the last time
i reject your limitations
your insatiability
because maybe i am just the same
and maybe we are more alike than you know
but for now i have to let you go

illusions.

who says emotions cant mirror stregnth? i am strong enough to cry and a break down and die a little when anyone hurts me. i know its a part of life. but it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt. life hurts. dont build me up- i need to break it down. all the way down. to the fundementals. my memory stains my mind. i just cant justify it this time. and if you can- then maybe we dont see eye to eye. and maybe we never have.

magnetic

taking my power back. no more running. i need let myself bleed. these precious things- are they all that precious to me? i can feel your thoughts. i can taste your desire. no words need to be spoken. i know the things that will be. self doubt is cruel. it can overcome your whole being. and it's a vicious spiral down. i guess i had to learn to crawl and skin my knees- but it taught me how to please. i can be anything you need because i can read your mind. i welcome your greed to feed on me. everyone is a vampire and we all have to drain the blood in one way or another. why can't it be sexy? why can't it be nourishing? you see, screams are taught to bind us but they really just set us free. restraint is for the fearful. they are too afraid to need. what winds you up- enlightens me. i switch the rules, i change the roles. there are no rules in life that will withhold. i write my own laws and i will abide as i please. deny your attraction to me yet, i feel your heart beat. you can say anything you want but i know what you need. i transcend commonality. in every way i am violent, passionate, both demon and saint. and it both scares and compels you, for you are just the same. same logic, same voice, same name.

reflections.

sometimes we take for granted all the tiny wonders that surround us. lately, i have been trying to dismantle every element of my life. i have to do it to re-learn how to be a better person, or even how to be a person. i guess i lost myself again. but i will find my way back. fundamentally- no one ever changes. there are things in the very core of your being that are intrinsic. to alter these things or even slightly change them- you must undo everything you know. all the things that make you comfortable, you must let go of. for me, it's the only way i can survive. and i have done it far too many times.

now i feel, i have done this too much. i have no idea how to get back to who i am, because i do not know who i am. i am so used to reinventing, that i have nothing left to reinvent. it's fucked. so i am trying to remember things about my past, and i am trying to let them teach me. it's strange how our youth defines so much of what affects us presently. i hate how mistakes we make in the past define out future. yes, as i said earlier, we do not change much the course of our entire existence. but that doesn't mean that everyone falls into this pattern.

for example- when i was 22 i was in an abusive relationship. i do not want pity. it was what it was and me staying in that environment was also something i have to take responsibility for. long story short- we got into a fight where he was choking me and i could not breathe. so i grabbed a knife so he would let go of me. i didn't want to hurt him, for as bad as he treated me, i did love him. i just wanted him to stop choking me and he was easily 2 or 3 times bigger than i so thats all i had to work with. he was so wasted that he grabbed the knife on the blade side and cut his hand. he proceeded to punch me in the face several time until i passed out. i came to, also very wasted and i forget what happened. i immediately call 911 because i saw blood. they came and arrested both of us.

it was my first and only offense. it was a felony but they dropped it down to a misdemeanor. 4th degree assault. i had to attend and pay for anger managment classes for 6 months. i was the only person who went every week, without fail, in a row [plus if you missed a meeting you had to start over]. after that, i turned my whole life around. i left that dude. i was about a year and half from graduating college, so after a year long break, i went back and got my degree. i was the first person to graduate college from my whole family, and since then, everyone in my family has earned their degree- even my father who got his last year. i also got a decent job after college where i got my own place and my own car and i have taken care of myself ever since.

what is the point of all this? well the point is- you CAN change. anyone in that situation would have most likely return to the cycle of abuse. most people continue the criminal activity once they begin it. but not me. that lesson taught me so much. it put everything into perspective. i didn't wanna be a fuck up. i refuse to let that one instance define my whole life and so far it hasn't. nothing is as bad as it seems. if you can do something constructive with the bad things that happen- it's never a mistake and you can never regret it.

as i sit here, eating some yummy cookies i baked from scratch and listening to my cat purr on the bed besides me- i am just thankful to have come this far. i start a new job in a week and i also go to coachella thursday. life isn't so bad. it's what you make of it. everyone has fucked up shit they have to deal with. it's how you react that separates us from one another. everyone has their breaking point. everyone falls apart. but if you can get up and hold your head up, even when everyone doubts you and everyone is laughing at you, there is something to be said about that. you can find strength in the weakest places. if anything- that is what strength is.

no one else has a hold over me like you do.

no one else compares
i've dreamed of you so long
i've sang this song
yet i never tire of the deep melody
lulling my eardrums
with such precision
of perfection
and this has always been our destiny
it has always tasted of
such sheer spellbinding
magic
when our fates intertwine
under the clutch of red wine
the truths will dine
i've never wanted anything more
your gaze devours me
your bed tempts me
every cell of you compels
i've always known this would come to
fruition
emotion
passion
pain
we will rewrite the galaxy in both our names

spring fling

immersed in a overcast sunday
lazy and unregarded
feeling springs' sticky sweet kiss
dangerously
tickle my feet
ripe and warm
it tangles you up
like a cocoon
can you claw your way out?
i've got the hunger
i've got the itch
need a fix
reservations smashed
i need the grit
you underneath my fingernails
your sweat on my lips
my blood hot enough
to start a fire that shakes the devil
breaking rules
painting the sky red
with desire
it glows and yearns
lusting for the future
the wind takes away the cold
draws me out of my shell
draws me out of my hell

don't think twice...

it's alright...

all my armor falling down

a rift in my reality
for the better
it's like singing a new melody
getting lost in splendor
after weeks
of anxiety driven
starvation and insomnia
i feel at ease
we all lose our goddamn minds
at times
we sometimes become too intertwined
with our lives
over thinking
picking apart things
to the brink of emotional meltdown
it does no good
we all need to press restart
i desire to heal
to open my heart
i slowly start to peel
my reservations apart
and it feels so beautiful
however exposed
it feels good
i guess you can't ever know
that what you fear can become
a reservoir of hope
innocuous
it's funny how twisted
we can make our own world
unnecessarily
but now- i'm looking forward to hope
the past does not have to dictate our future
we should always be able to progress beyond our mistakes
and i long for what is to come
i embrace change like i
embrace the change of seasons
i feel the seasons shift
the climate warm and inviting
like my eyes
summer enticing
let whatever be
but let me become real again
let me revel
let me roar

ch-ch-changes

so many things have changed and are changing. things have been extremely rough for me lately and i honestly have been pretty down. but right now i feel like everything will work out. i'm going to only worry about the things i can control and not worry about the things [or people] i cannot. things are going to be okay. i tell myself that a lot but i usually do it as positive reaffirmation. i don;t always know if i believe that. but right now, i really feel it. and that's nothing but good. i have to remain as positive as i can. i do think being overly negative attracts negativity to your life so i must be conscious of that.

i guess the cool thing about being unemployed is the freedom. i can do whatever i fucking want to do. i have been doing a lot of things i haven't ever done before. i drove across country and went to new orleans and austin. new orleans is one of my favorite cities [ i was there for new years] and austin is some place i always wanted to go. so those are 2 accomplishments! i also just recently visited hawaii, another place i always wanted to visit. now all i really have left are the pacific northwest [seattle, portland] and san diego [don't ask me why i haven't ever been- i suck] and then new england [mainly NYC] and miami. then i will have seen all the US cities i care to see. but mainly i want to travel abroad. i haven't even been to canada or mexico. and considering i am half mexican- that is a gawddamn shame. but i will! mostly, i want to travel to europe. i have felt a calling there my whole life and england and amsterdamn are especially areas i need to visit very soon.

i guess i'll figure it all out and in the meantime i will have as much fun as i can!