all in the game.

some people long for complacency. they thrive on routines and redundancy. that gives them a sense of being grounded. it becomes their reality. it becomes their ball and chain. but is it what nourishes us that also does destroy us? are the chains that bind us to our lives and the foundations we build them upon really a comfort? or are we slaves to it, laced in so deep that we cannot see the imprisonment? i don't know. but what i can tell you is i feel free. i feel like i can go anywhere and do anything now without anything holding me back. without anything keeping me here. the only thing that has kept me in vegas for almost 3 years now is the desire to start over. the desire to start a new life from scratch. and i did just that. i carved a niche here. i did it on my own. no one helped me but i never wanted admiration. i did it for my own personal gain, to test my strength. i had to do it for myself and i had to do it by myself. i think it was the most valuable lesson i have ever learned my whole life. i found comfort in that. but now i feel like it's time for another change. so many people i know cling to things that i feel they don't need to- myself included. they cling to their underpaid positions because they are scared to look for something better. they cling to their significant other because they feel that is the best they can do. they settle. they stay where their family is, not knowing that your family will love you no matter where you are on the planet- and they will always be there for you too. mine does and mine always will regardless where the road takes me. that- in essence is what family is. family understands. and maybe i clung to the comfort zones i made for myself here. maybe i enjoyed being structured and scheduled. but in some ways i feel like this happened for a reason. just like the last time i left- my home of kentucky. i looked at the path before me and all the steps leading up to it and i knew i had to go- no matter where the road took me. luckily for me- it was the best decision i ever made. will i be so lucky again? who knows. all i know is i need to go- i need to be free while i still can. i do not have anything keeping me here. there is still so much i haven't seen in the world that i feel i am missing out on. i don't want to live in die in the same place- or even the same 2 places. to me- that isn't living. i'm a free spirit. if anyone can say anything about me- it is just that. i don't know what is going to happen but where ever i go, there are a few of you i will always keep close to my heart. there are those of you who have changed me forever. some for good and some for bad. i can only hope that some part of my life has touched or changed you as well. and i know that we can always learn and progress from each other- no amount of time or distance can change that. i will always love vegas and what i learned about myself and life here. but i think it's time to move on...

"mention this to me- mention something mention anything... mention this to me- watch the weather change..."

clearly useless.

recently got let go from my employer of over 2 years. it's funny many people in my position would be sweating bullets. i was a little upset at first but then i was overwhelmed with relief. you truly cannot smell the shit if you are immune to the scent. i have been very blind. first and foremost- if there was a just cause for me to be terminated, i may have felt remorse or even regret. but the fact is- with all the inaccuracies, double standards and illegitimate policies, i couldn't be happier. as a matter of fact, the ONLY thing that goes through my head is how badly they fucked up. i was also sexually harassed there on many occurrences and i was NOT taken seriously when i reported it. also, the attempts to resolve the situation were measly and unsatisfactory. it made for a awkward work dynamic. i will not tolerate working for a company who is so illicitly shady and corrupt in almost every way. i will take my talents elsewhere, because let's face it- i was one of the most ambitious and driven people that worked there. i was loyal and dedicated and this is thanks i get? 'clear'ly, those highly redeeming attributes matter not to a greedy, sneaky corporation.

i have lost no sleep over losing that worthless position as a telesales employee- a department ridden with inaccurate reporting, favoritism and no clear guidelines for, well, anything. i have a bachelors degree and i always out wrote almost everyone in that department. in terms of sales, experience, and education- almost no one has the skills i do. i have been one of the top 5 sales rep there for well over a year. i was consistent [even when the commission plan was NOT] and i was almost always the top seller in terms of mobile sales. i recently won a flat screen TV as well as a digital camera for my efforts. so don't tell me that i don't possess talent. i constantly over achieved at that job and everyone knows it. to fire me for something as mundane as me allegedly 'hanging up on a rep from another department' and my attendance, is absolute utter horse shit. first of all- i accidentally hung up on the rep AND i noted the fucking account of the mishaps. i know people who hang up on reps and customers all the fucking time and never get in trouble. besides- EVEN IF I DID IT ON PURPOSE- there was absolutely no customer impact what-so-ever. maybe if they would hire people more competent than those ingrates they pay 8 dollars an hour in NY or FL, i wouldn't have run into a tattletale, snitch of pussy who told on me like a 3rd grader because they have nothing else going for them but that lame job. but i digress... as for the attendance piece- HA! you have got to be fucking kidding me. i constantly worked overtime. i always came on on my days off, came in early, stayed late- usually without batting an eyelash. i worked every holiday last year including thanksgiving and christmas. so there is no way in hell anyone can say my attendance was an issue. yea, so maybe i left early the day before i got fired. so what? i know several people who not only left early EVERY single fucking day- but also would take like 1-2 hour lunches, go get high on breaks, go cheat on their significant others with co-workers etc. so that is all bullshit too.

it was not very smart to let someone of my caliber go- not only because it was unjust but also because i have a big fucking mouth and i will tell EVERYONE what happened to me. i have the gift of gab [after all i am a sales person] and i have always had a way with words- ESPECIALLY when mistreated. do not think for a fucking second that i will not expose every dirty little secret i know about many, many events there. i know about affairs, drug dealers who peddle shit on the clock. i know about people who are grossly overpaid because of a mistake and also i know about people who only have jobs because they are tight with upper management [and have proven otherwise useless]. if anything the past 2 years and 2 months i have been collecting evidence and observing all the fucked up shit that goes on. now don't get me wrong, i was no saint there. i had my share of fuck ups and i accept full responsibility for those but it obviously doesn't matter now. fuck turning the other cheek- i have been their' bitch for far too long.

make no mistake- i don't need that job and i never did. i was far too overqualified anyway. honestly- anyone could do the job i did. it wasn't rocket science. all the jobs i'm applying for require a bachelors degree- which not many people possess. i want to be able to utilize my degree for once instead of being underestimated and treated like a child. i already have several interviews lined up and i haven't even been fired for a week yet! that speaks for itself. i know how to write a resume and i have an excellent work history. i am also quite apt at interviewing so i am not worried one bit. if, for some reason, i cannot find a job [which i highly doubt] i know i will get unemployment so they can pay me to sit on my ass for a year. i'm good with that. i do not find being fired from there a set back at all. i find it as an opportunity to grow and excel with a better company that is more organized and has a better product. maybe if i didn't have the skills i bring to the table, i might be sweating that job. but the truth is i haven't for one minute. maybe initially, i temporarily overreacted but now i see it as a virtue. i refuse to work for a company who treats people the way i was treated. this was, by far, their' loss and all i can do now is laugh because they have only given me the opportunity to make someone else lots more money and more money for myself as well. good riddens- eat a bag of dicks.

heartillery

throwing insult to injury
stack up your weaponry
to fight this battle
prepare to be disassembled
walk through the fire of the discontent
where the fury of men rattles
saying things you never meant
are you ready to get dirty?
are you ready to get bloody?
pieces of cowardliness loom underneath your fingernails
staining you with objectives not met
the passionless can't breathe deeply
in realms of heartfelt hell
they hyperventilate
they fell
and as you wrap their body in an emotionless eulogy
a body bag of cryptic cause
do they repent?
do they regret?
the insincere with knifes tailor made to stab you in the back
the cheaters with shallow phrases that drown you
an army of shadows, a cult of filth
we are coming for you
we will not stop
until we murder the manipulation
until we bury your apathy
until we choke out tears
undermine your whole operation
sometimes the only way to survive is
to kill the parts of us that are broken
and reignite the part of us that are dead
our black hearts turn red
destroying the self destruction
creating the self love
the art of war inside is much more brutal
and much more rewarding if you survive

emotions are beauty uncovered

i just watched episode 7 of season 3 of dexter and now i am crying my eyes out. the end made me lose it. it's so beautiful. i'm sure that sounds strange but you have to understand the way i see things to know why. i find beauty in the strangest places and i have always loved that about myself. but what i am really crying about is what 2 people said to me once. 2 people who were once very close to me. now neither of them are really and one i havent spoke to in almost 3 years and probably never will again. the other i still talk with now and then and i still have a lot of love for her. we will always be friends.

one said that she thought my emotional ways, how i am so touched by things and express them with tears, was beautiful. and i think that to this day has made me never afraid to be emotional. some say it is a downfall but i will always find it as a virtue.

the other person said that i was the only person who possessed true emotion- real emotion. and that makes my heart bleed. its easy to see how i feel in love with him.

all i know is how i feel and i feel so much that the passion of the tragedy and struggle i have endured eats away at my heart. and it bleeds into every thing i say and every eye i look into. i don't doubt that it will always be that way. i will never find being overly emotional as a setback. i will only see it as a strength because so many people cannot feel and if they do- they cannot express it like i can. and those who talk shit are just pussies running from how they feel. it is much more commendable to be able to be vulnerable and humble. it makes you 10 times stronger than those who feel nothing.

coming to terms with the past.

noticing changes in your own self is rather intriguing. i like to reflect upon the past to gauge how far i have progressed and evolved. i think its a good way to exercise self perception. but it can be hard sometimes. i think back to my last relationship and it really kind of disgusts me to recall how weak and needy i was. it's pretty fucking pathetic. i don't think i could ever be like that again. what's worse is that my ex totally took advantage of me and manipulated me to keep me under his thumb- to do his bidding. but at the same time- i allowed it. i guess i really used to love him, as i cannot find any other explanation. but that's where i get this skewed ideal of love. if love can make someone in to a grotesquely co-dependent blubbering emotional mess- is that really love? does letting down your guard mean someone totally raping you when you are most vulnerable? more importantly, is there any kind of love in that? i, personally, do not think so in the slightest. i think that is a huge misconception of what love actually entails. love is not having power or control over someone. love is not manipulative. love is not selfish. love is equality, seeing eye to eye. love is complimentary. love is selfless. at least it is to me- now. i have said this before, many times. and if anything- the lack of love in my past relationships had really framed what i expect now. funny that the illusion of love- which in reality was pretty much the opposite of love- now defines what i think real love is. actually funny may not be the correct word. more aptly- i find it quite ludicrous.

they say love is blind and i agree with this in part. but i do think you have a choice in love. i do think you have the choice to see it for what it is and not taint it with mushy, sappy bullshit. as you also have the choice to be blind and choose to be oblivious. i know now that i chose the latter of the two. why? well, quite frankly, because i was weak. i wasn't strong enough to stand up to a person who was all too attractive on the outside. i should have known the inside- while possessing slightly good intentions- was a tsunami of insecurity, destruction and manipulation. and the fucked up part is he displaced his own shortcomings onto me and punished me for what was done to him in the past. it was like residual abuse. it's a pretty fool-proof equation really. cut me down and overreact about pointless fuck-ups to distract from your own flaws. genius. i got sucked in. i was in far too deep for my own good and i did backstrokes in pools of deception. i didn't care. i was beyond blind. that really disturbs me. it's funny how people bring their "A" game initially and then you always uncover the horrors that reside underneath. i am no exception. i don't doubt that the real me scared him off just a bit. but goddamn- i never anticipated the depths of jealousy and control issues he unleashed upon me. and let's be real- we both had a lot of fucked up baggage. these days- who doesn't? but the extent to which i bent over backwards for this boy is so insane, it shocks me still. the more i gave, the more hell he raised against me. i feel like there were no limits to the flaming hoops of horrible he would create for me. as i pushed myself through every grueling obstacle, i knew he gained immense pleasure in torturing me. in that- i do feel- he found love and that in some twisted way- that it was me proving my love for him. but it was never enough. and it never would have been. these days i wonder- am i capable to do that again? and if i were, would i dare?

i guess i just don't know. i refuse to ever let someone abuse me mentally and emotionally again. i do feel that that kind of abuse is much more damaging than physical. in fact, it's much easier to just brush off since there isn't anything physical to account for it. too many times people dismiss it because there is no hard evidence. i say that is utter bullshit. i have no qualms saying that i was abused but a lot of that was self abuse. i allowed to be taken to the cleaners. i allowed someone to get the best of me. i allowed someone to mind fuck me. i accept full responsibility for that and it has been the most eye opening learning tool i have ever given myself. i can honestly say with my whole heart that it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. it's just hard to believe that i am even the same person. it's hard to swallow what i once was. it's rather frightening that i once had it in me to stoop that low, to be walked all over and left with nothing. but i guess that it just how it goes. i cannot deny where i came from. i am so grateful that i somehow found it in myself to pick myself up after that. i think i knew that, if i didn't, i could never survive anything. i knew i couldn't fail. no matter how great the loss seemed at the time. i get quite emotional when i think about it all. it was such a tragic love story. but i don't regret it. not one second. there were good times that were some of the best times i have ever had. and for that i cannot count it as a complete loss. so to whomever he was, whatever person he presented himself to be, sometimes he was what seemed to be my soul mate. maybe saying that seems naive and maybe that only illustrates how deep the deception went but i don't think so. i see beyond who that person was now. and i know that somewhere in there was a person that longed for me with every breath. it just wasn't meant to be and it wasn't the right time. i don't think that part of him was ready for someone like me. so with that i have to release the hate i have harbored and the vindictive things i wanted to do or did do. love does make you quite illogical and it made no exception with me. i know that, no matter what, there is a love he has for me whether he could admit that or not. and i would be lying if i said that i didn't feel the same. but i do not have any romantic feelings for that person, whoever he really is. more of a love for the good times and learning we both went through. it was probably the most valuable lesson of my life. so, crooked crown, where ever you are, i wish you well. maybe one day you will be big enough to wish me the same. maybe one day i will get the closure i deserve. but i doubt it. i know you far too well. we may be two totally different people now- but i think we both know we will always be one in the same. we are far too much alike.