finally

emerging from the dust. my heart reassembles. defenses let down. paradigm shift. it's about fucking time!

.

sometimes it's hard to see beyond the circumstances of your situation- of your life. sometimes they suffocate you and drag you down. it's hard to progress beyond at times. but you must know that there is more to any situation then just the end point. even if said end point is not favorable. i think people [and myself included] get lost in that. but its important to look at every aspect of a situation and internalize the positive aspects or gain positivity through knowledge. sometimes that is more important than the actual conclusion. it's easy to get down and drown yourself in possibilities and hypothetical situations. but you cannot focus on the past.even tho, learning from the past is crucial you cannot hold on to it. you have to acknowledge it then let it go. always looking forward. always moving on. this is hard for me and has been especially very rough. so much harder to do then to say. but i'm working on it. i don't want to waste my life on nostalgia. it has it's place. but unless it's pushing me forward- i can't let it hold me back.

fear and stalking by a pest control employee

about a month ago i had a small ant infestation in my apartment. i put a work order in for pest control to come and spray. unfortunately, this happened around 10 am while i was getting ready for work. i was trying to find something to wear and blasting paramore of all things. all of the sudden, i see a figure walking through my living room and i was startled to see the pest control dude walking towards me. i looked at him in horror and he just stood there and stared. well- it was more like gawked for at least a minute. he was like "sorry- i thought you heard me!" i'm thinking to myself, there is no way in hell i could have heard him because the music was clearly full blast. so finally, after grabbing dirty laundry out of a nearby hamper trying to cover myself- with anything i could grab- i say " can i please put some clothes on?!?!" thinking he would go outside. instead- he proceeds to go into the living room again. at this point, i'm super uncomfortable, obviously. he finally leaves and as i go outside to leave for work, i find his phone number written on a note outside. disgusted, i called his employer and they seemed to brush it off.

so yesterday i came home and there was this note stuck in my door: http://twitpic.com/balf2 it looked hella fishy and i was skeptical to call- so i had a friend call it for me. she finds out it was the creepy pest control guy! apparently he sprays every 4th wed of the month. at this point i am FLIPPING out! i don't feel safe and i didn't want to be there alone. if you notice the bold capital letters on the letter say: YOU MADE MY DAY I LIKE WHAT I SAW. what the fuck!? What’s even stranger is the fact that the handwriting looks feminine and the phone number looks like a masculine. like he had a friend write it for him- which is even creepier! i don't know what compelled him to do such a harassing, creepy thing but i am beyond offended. it doesn’t help that i live alone and am single. i don't know why this shit happens to me or why i attract nut jobs. i already filed a police report and alerted my apartment complex to change the lock, i will more than likely be moving somewhere else every soon. i appreciate all the support and concern!

no regrets

i feel like something big is going to happen soon. anticipation swims around every corner and it intoxicates me with every breath i inhale. it's curious, this magnetic aroma of the unknown. and i can feel it in my toes. i feel like i have lost myself here. but i feel like i'm getting back on track to where i once was. i cannot help the way i am. and i won't make excuses any longer. i have ran from my emotions for years now. i have ran from myself in many ways and on many levels. i guess it's only natural to shed the skin of your prior self and grown new, thicker more resilient skin. i have done just that. but i have forgotten who i was. i wanted to. i guess it's kinda sad. my life has long romanced tragedy. for many years i swan in that- bathing myself in sorrow and painting myself the deepest black. i had to undo that part of me. i exposed myself too much to my last love. almost to the point where i had nothing left to reveal. i gave him everything i had. so much that i had nothing left for myself. i put all my cards on the table and i left empty handed. i cannot explain how crushing and devastating that was- yet it was the most important lesson i may have ever learned. it was all i could do to move forward after investing so much. i guess after exploiting myself so stark naked, i felt the need to put some clothes on- to hide somethings. to regenerate myself. i have turned my life around completely and made something of myself when i was against all odds. however, there is still a part of me that is hollow. a part that aches and longs. its not easy to confront myself with that. its rather crippling. i read several pieces of writing i wrote about my ex recently and i was totally destroyed. its absolutely heartbreaking how deeply i felt for someone and how i would poignantly state how i felt. i wept as i recalled writing those things and i found comfort in the fact that i was capable of feeling something so beautiful. i was shameless. and i think love should always be. it brought back so many feelings and thoughts. many of you may not know this- but i am a hopeless romantic. i truly and completely loved with every notion i could have mustered. i threw myself into my relationship and never looked back. i do not regret one second. if anything- i miss that part of myself. the part that believes in love. the part that would do anything for it. now, it seems, i am much to jaded. but i can undo anything i do. and i must do this. i feel the need blossoming inside of me and creating a hunger so ravishing. i want to unravel myself and my let my guards tumble. i have hibernated my heart much too long and i cannot go any longer. i have too much to give. i've been so alone and i guess i have somewhat fell in love with that. i've learned so much. i've changed so much. but underneath it all, i am still an emotional and benevolent girl who longs for love. i feel like if i convey this, it will perpetuate the desire and bring me good fortune and positivity. so far i have been successful with this approach. i have been happier for the past week than i have been in a long while. that pleases me. i have made myself the best i can be and i value myself much more than i ever have. i'm sure someone can't help but notice that. it's all i can hope for.

scars to stars

i feel like im floating upon a cascade of lights
endless charade
lifeless parade
is everyone in this town just hiding from something
burying themselves in
someone else
burying themselves in sin
sin city
so gritty
sucks you in like quicksand
grips you tight
chews you up and spits you out
you cannot hide too long
in a city without trees
in a city so bleak
you will be exposed
you will be exploited
and this town will take you in
like its bastard child
and love you for it
nurture your scars
turn them to stars that light its own streets
endless lights for miles and miles
the town made of lights
still cannot hide its gross yet enrapturing dark

post birthday angst

when the fruits of your labor are dethroned
are you mutated?
do you desecrate yourself
when you give too much?
i find myself
girding the ability to be benevolent
to be selfless
because its always thrown
right back in my face
like some recycled filth
that stains my mind with the dark
ugly intentions you wear so proudly
are we really that selfish?
just a disgraceful waste
so disenchanting
disgusting
i should know better
then to put my neck on a platter
for those that can not give me any
ounce of their time
and yet i'm still right here
giving blood
this vampire romance
is stale
its only leaves you sucked dry
without enough strength to try
no escaping this perpetual doom
can we progress beyond
excuses and lies
the integrity of respect
is golden and cannot break easily
but the more i try to be a good person
the more you make a fool out of me

jaded and bitter know no other vessel quite as fitting