down in a hole

the violence of the past
with it's disturbing eyes
a stormy trail
that leads to ashes of a black heart
it follows me
it swallows me
and now as the present haunts
and humbles my every gesture
it reunites the dark passenger
and they dance with death
painting my dreams with deep wrath
why do i harbor so much rage?
how can i expand beyond this
without becoming victim
to it's easy and inviting embrace?
it's so simple to give in.
it's so easy to fall down the hole
of rotting hopelessness.
where hearts go to die
where unborn babies cry
and this rut is boxing me in
can i escape?
i must.

going through the motions

i have never felt so...

incomplete.

adapt or die.

it's been about a month since i have written and let me just say that it's been one of the most life changing months i've ever been through. i cannot get into too much detail, as it regards a very personal matter. just know that even in my darkest hour- i find hope. it feels so enriching to do that. had you known me years ago- you would have never suspected that. i am very proud of myself for being so optimistic. even though i feel as if i have lost part of myself, i also feel like i have gained perhaps even more than i lost. and for that i can have no regrets.

it's peculiar how one thing can change your life almost completely. but i guess that is what life is about. i just find it intriguing that every time i start to take things for granted life comes around to give me a good, firm kick in the ass. it's a necessity. there are so many things i have planned that i am getting excited about. first of all i plan to spend halloween in new orleans for the voodoo fest. i have always wanted to go and this seems like the perfect time to go! after that, i plan on taking a road trip across country to visit friends and family. i will be stopping in las havasu arizona, albuquerque, austin, new orleans, atlanta and nashville. i may try to go to florida also since i have never been. then to kentucky to spend the holidays with my family. i havent seen them since christmas 2007 so i am excited for that! i miss them. they are my heart, collectively. after that i plan on taking a west coast trip starting from san diego and driving up to seattle, stopping at san fran and portland along the way. after that i want to go to europe for a bit. i really need to travel over seas. i havent even been to mexico or canada! then i am thinking about relocating permanently to portland or austin. it's all up in the air. there are a few reasons i would like to stay in vegas so i'll have to give it some serious thought.

actually- vegas has been rather kind to me as of late. i have found much comfort and support in the friends i have here and it really makes me feel loved. i have been having a lot of fun since i have been unemployed so thats a plus. i feel like i forgot how to have fun when i was working so much! it's a new found love.

i'm just very humbled and thankful for my life right now. i feel like i am seeing things for the first time and in a new light. thank you to all whom have helped me through. it does not go un-noticed!