reckoner.

this has been a very interesting week. lots of drama. a lot self created. this year is half over. wow! i'm making some changes. fuck complacency. i can't be a victim to routine. i gotta change it up.

people will hate on you if they think you threaten them in anyway. be it mentally, emotionally or physically. some people can be so grotesquely petty. they will claw you apart until you're virtually disassembled out of discontent with their own pathetic lives. i think its quite disgusting. lately i feel i can't praise myself because, then it seems like i am gloating and i can't feel sorry for myself because that is weak. but fuck all that bullshit! i shouldn't have to feel bad for achieving and i don't feel sorry for myself. i have a vast amount of self ownership. i take full responsibility for what i do. i will not pity myself and i cringe that others would pity me. that makes me sick! i do plow through hard times, as does anyone. but i have enough self awareness to acknowledge my short comings and try to intercept them before they get out of hand. obviously- i am not perfect. and no one is! i fuck up a lot and i do make mistakes. but that just makes me try harder. i do demand more out of myself than i probably should because i am a perfectionist and an over achiever. the reason for this is because i have experienced tremendous loss in my life. but after many years of using these things as a crutch- i have progressed beyond that. it has make me strong as a bull and its has also humbled me quite a bit. so in essence- i feel my overtly driven nature is a derivative of me wanting to overcome the past that haunted me for so many years. its a personal thing. i do not think i am better then the next person and i wouldn't ever. i try not to be overly critical on others as a twisted way of displacing my past. that's just plain futile. i need to demand more than that form myself. i have this fierce thirst to succeed. to go the extra mile. to push myself. i always will have a fire that burns inside of me. a fire makes me one of the most passionate beings on this earth.

of course, being that passionate does come with negative aspects as well. i have a temper from hell. i see red and i will tarnish your reputation if you cross me. i know this is an area of improvement [obviously]. i need to be more logical about my anger and channel it in a more effective manner. i guess there is a lot of rage and resentment from being a doormat for many years- where as now i simply will not accept any kind of disrespect, ever. and of course i go too far with it. for that, i do apologize! i wish i didn't take things to the extreme and become such a vindictive and cruel person. but the fact is- i do. but, at the very least, i do realize that this is destructive and immature. i can be quite a rational person at times so i know i have it in me to be better than that. i just need to find a point where i can stop it before it gets out of hand. stay tuned.

i am a complicated person. i guess some would say that is an understatement. fuck. i don't really know what to say about that- except its equal parts good and bad. good because i am not easy to figure out. bad because i can't figure myself out sometimes. FML! i am really trying to work on the grey matter in my life because i am such an extremist that there never was any grey area in between black and white for me. i am starting to work on this and open myself up to it. it's refreshing to say the least. it's given me a whole new perspective on many things. of course- it took me almost getting fired to make the change- but i guess that's just how it goes. i am grateful for that because it lead me too a slight mini enlightenment- if you will.

i guess you could say i'm in somewhat of a mid- life crisis. except, i'm not really at the mid-life age range [close but not quite] and i don't really see is as a crisis per say. its more just a new chapter of sorts. i have got a lot of things to figure out. in this past year, i have made major improvements to my life. got my own place, bought a new car, changed my eating habits, started going to the gym religiously, dropped mad weight, changed my aesthetic appearance, gave up boozing so heavily. i feel good! but there is still something missing. i feel like i have worked on myself so much that i have lost the concept of opening myself up to another individual. i have been very closed off and reclusive. i feel like i am now ready to go beyond that. i want to be vulnerable to someone else- i want to embrace that. i feel like i am completely over my devastating heart break. my relocation to vegas, to rid of aforementioned heartbreak, worked. i have been alone for a long time now and really kind of fell in love with it. but now i feel like it may be time to let someone in. as scary as that is- i think i am finally ready. this goes for both friendship and romantic affairs. and that feels really good. not that i am going to look for anything but just to know that i feel capable, is a virtue. its an amazing feeling. after all the torment and frustration and distorted self perception. after all the manipulation and confusion and struggle- i feel like i can hold my head up now! i feel like i can breathe! its so strange, i feel reborn and new. i'm so much more confident and strong. a totally different person. i'm so glad i took my time to heal and not rush into anything. 3 years ago, i thought i would never be able to let anyone close to me ever again. i thought i didn't have anything to offer anyone. i thought i would never love again. now- i know i will.