down in a hole

the violence of the past
with it's disturbing eyes
a stormy trail
that leads to ashes of a black heart
it follows me
it swallows me
and now as the present haunts
and humbles my every gesture
it reunites the dark passenger
and they dance with death
painting my dreams with deep wrath
why do i harbor so much rage?
how can i expand beyond this
without becoming victim
to it's easy and inviting embrace?
it's so simple to give in.
it's so easy to fall down the hole
of rotting hopelessness.
where hearts go to die
where unborn babies cry
and this rut is boxing me in
can i escape?
i must.

going through the motions

i have never felt so...

incomplete.

adapt or die.

it's been about a month since i have written and let me just say that it's been one of the most life changing months i've ever been through. i cannot get into too much detail, as it regards a very personal matter. just know that even in my darkest hour- i find hope. it feels so enriching to do that. had you known me years ago- you would have never suspected that. i am very proud of myself for being so optimistic. even though i feel as if i have lost part of myself, i also feel like i have gained perhaps even more than i lost. and for that i can have no regrets.

it's peculiar how one thing can change your life almost completely. but i guess that is what life is about. i just find it intriguing that every time i start to take things for granted life comes around to give me a good, firm kick in the ass. it's a necessity. there are so many things i have planned that i am getting excited about. first of all i plan to spend halloween in new orleans for the voodoo fest. i have always wanted to go and this seems like the perfect time to go! after that, i plan on taking a road trip across country to visit friends and family. i will be stopping in las havasu arizona, albuquerque, austin, new orleans, atlanta and nashville. i may try to go to florida also since i have never been. then to kentucky to spend the holidays with my family. i havent seen them since christmas 2007 so i am excited for that! i miss them. they are my heart, collectively. after that i plan on taking a west coast trip starting from san diego and driving up to seattle, stopping at san fran and portland along the way. after that i want to go to europe for a bit. i really need to travel over seas. i havent even been to mexico or canada! then i am thinking about relocating permanently to portland or austin. it's all up in the air. there are a few reasons i would like to stay in vegas so i'll have to give it some serious thought.

actually- vegas has been rather kind to me as of late. i have found much comfort and support in the friends i have here and it really makes me feel loved. i have been having a lot of fun since i have been unemployed so thats a plus. i feel like i forgot how to have fun when i was working so much! it's a new found love.

i'm just very humbled and thankful for my life right now. i feel like i am seeing things for the first time and in a new light. thank you to all whom have helped me through. it does not go un-noticed!

all in the game.

some people long for complacency. they thrive on routines and redundancy. that gives them a sense of being grounded. it becomes their reality. it becomes their ball and chain. but is it what nourishes us that also does destroy us? are the chains that bind us to our lives and the foundations we build them upon really a comfort? or are we slaves to it, laced in so deep that we cannot see the imprisonment? i don't know. but what i can tell you is i feel free. i feel like i can go anywhere and do anything now without anything holding me back. without anything keeping me here. the only thing that has kept me in vegas for almost 3 years now is the desire to start over. the desire to start a new life from scratch. and i did just that. i carved a niche here. i did it on my own. no one helped me but i never wanted admiration. i did it for my own personal gain, to test my strength. i had to do it for myself and i had to do it by myself. i think it was the most valuable lesson i have ever learned my whole life. i found comfort in that. but now i feel like it's time for another change. so many people i know cling to things that i feel they don't need to- myself included. they cling to their underpaid positions because they are scared to look for something better. they cling to their significant other because they feel that is the best they can do. they settle. they stay where their family is, not knowing that your family will love you no matter where you are on the planet- and they will always be there for you too. mine does and mine always will regardless where the road takes me. that- in essence is what family is. family understands. and maybe i clung to the comfort zones i made for myself here. maybe i enjoyed being structured and scheduled. but in some ways i feel like this happened for a reason. just like the last time i left- my home of kentucky. i looked at the path before me and all the steps leading up to it and i knew i had to go- no matter where the road took me. luckily for me- it was the best decision i ever made. will i be so lucky again? who knows. all i know is i need to go- i need to be free while i still can. i do not have anything keeping me here. there is still so much i haven't seen in the world that i feel i am missing out on. i don't want to live in die in the same place- or even the same 2 places. to me- that isn't living. i'm a free spirit. if anyone can say anything about me- it is just that. i don't know what is going to happen but where ever i go, there are a few of you i will always keep close to my heart. there are those of you who have changed me forever. some for good and some for bad. i can only hope that some part of my life has touched or changed you as well. and i know that we can always learn and progress from each other- no amount of time or distance can change that. i will always love vegas and what i learned about myself and life here. but i think it's time to move on...

"mention this to me- mention something mention anything... mention this to me- watch the weather change..."

clearly useless.

recently got let go from my employer of over 2 years. it's funny many people in my position would be sweating bullets. i was a little upset at first but then i was overwhelmed with relief. you truly cannot smell the shit if you are immune to the scent. i have been very blind. first and foremost- if there was a just cause for me to be terminated, i may have felt remorse or even regret. but the fact is- with all the inaccuracies, double standards and illegitimate policies, i couldn't be happier. as a matter of fact, the ONLY thing that goes through my head is how badly they fucked up. i was also sexually harassed there on many occurrences and i was NOT taken seriously when i reported it. also, the attempts to resolve the situation were measly and unsatisfactory. it made for a awkward work dynamic. i will not tolerate working for a company who is so illicitly shady and corrupt in almost every way. i will take my talents elsewhere, because let's face it- i was one of the most ambitious and driven people that worked there. i was loyal and dedicated and this is thanks i get? 'clear'ly, those highly redeeming attributes matter not to a greedy, sneaky corporation.

i have lost no sleep over losing that worthless position as a telesales employee- a department ridden with inaccurate reporting, favoritism and no clear guidelines for, well, anything. i have a bachelors degree and i always out wrote almost everyone in that department. in terms of sales, experience, and education- almost no one has the skills i do. i have been one of the top 5 sales rep there for well over a year. i was consistent [even when the commission plan was NOT] and i was almost always the top seller in terms of mobile sales. i recently won a flat screen TV as well as a digital camera for my efforts. so don't tell me that i don't possess talent. i constantly over achieved at that job and everyone knows it. to fire me for something as mundane as me allegedly 'hanging up on a rep from another department' and my attendance, is absolute utter horse shit. first of all- i accidentally hung up on the rep AND i noted the fucking account of the mishaps. i know people who hang up on reps and customers all the fucking time and never get in trouble. besides- EVEN IF I DID IT ON PURPOSE- there was absolutely no customer impact what-so-ever. maybe if they would hire people more competent than those ingrates they pay 8 dollars an hour in NY or FL, i wouldn't have run into a tattletale, snitch of pussy who told on me like a 3rd grader because they have nothing else going for them but that lame job. but i digress... as for the attendance piece- HA! you have got to be fucking kidding me. i constantly worked overtime. i always came on on my days off, came in early, stayed late- usually without batting an eyelash. i worked every holiday last year including thanksgiving and christmas. so there is no way in hell anyone can say my attendance was an issue. yea, so maybe i left early the day before i got fired. so what? i know several people who not only left early EVERY single fucking day- but also would take like 1-2 hour lunches, go get high on breaks, go cheat on their significant others with co-workers etc. so that is all bullshit too.

it was not very smart to let someone of my caliber go- not only because it was unjust but also because i have a big fucking mouth and i will tell EVERYONE what happened to me. i have the gift of gab [after all i am a sales person] and i have always had a way with words- ESPECIALLY when mistreated. do not think for a fucking second that i will not expose every dirty little secret i know about many, many events there. i know about affairs, drug dealers who peddle shit on the clock. i know about people who are grossly overpaid because of a mistake and also i know about people who only have jobs because they are tight with upper management [and have proven otherwise useless]. if anything the past 2 years and 2 months i have been collecting evidence and observing all the fucked up shit that goes on. now don't get me wrong, i was no saint there. i had my share of fuck ups and i accept full responsibility for those but it obviously doesn't matter now. fuck turning the other cheek- i have been their' bitch for far too long.

make no mistake- i don't need that job and i never did. i was far too overqualified anyway. honestly- anyone could do the job i did. it wasn't rocket science. all the jobs i'm applying for require a bachelors degree- which not many people possess. i want to be able to utilize my degree for once instead of being underestimated and treated like a child. i already have several interviews lined up and i haven't even been fired for a week yet! that speaks for itself. i know how to write a resume and i have an excellent work history. i am also quite apt at interviewing so i am not worried one bit. if, for some reason, i cannot find a job [which i highly doubt] i know i will get unemployment so they can pay me to sit on my ass for a year. i'm good with that. i do not find being fired from there a set back at all. i find it as an opportunity to grow and excel with a better company that is more organized and has a better product. maybe if i didn't have the skills i bring to the table, i might be sweating that job. but the truth is i haven't for one minute. maybe initially, i temporarily overreacted but now i see it as a virtue. i refuse to work for a company who treats people the way i was treated. this was, by far, their' loss and all i can do now is laugh because they have only given me the opportunity to make someone else lots more money and more money for myself as well. good riddens- eat a bag of dicks.

heartillery

throwing insult to injury
stack up your weaponry
to fight this battle
prepare to be disassembled
walk through the fire of the discontent
where the fury of men rattles
saying things you never meant
are you ready to get dirty?
are you ready to get bloody?
pieces of cowardliness loom underneath your fingernails
staining you with objectives not met
the passionless can't breathe deeply
in realms of heartfelt hell
they hyperventilate
they fell
and as you wrap their body in an emotionless eulogy
a body bag of cryptic cause
do they repent?
do they regret?
the insincere with knifes tailor made to stab you in the back
the cheaters with shallow phrases that drown you
an army of shadows, a cult of filth
we are coming for you
we will not stop
until we murder the manipulation
until we bury your apathy
until we choke out tears
undermine your whole operation
sometimes the only way to survive is
to kill the parts of us that are broken
and reignite the part of us that are dead
our black hearts turn red
destroying the self destruction
creating the self love
the art of war inside is much more brutal
and much more rewarding if you survive

emotions are beauty uncovered

i just watched episode 7 of season 3 of dexter and now i am crying my eyes out. the end made me lose it. it's so beautiful. i'm sure that sounds strange but you have to understand the way i see things to know why. i find beauty in the strangest places and i have always loved that about myself. but what i am really crying about is what 2 people said to me once. 2 people who were once very close to me. now neither of them are really and one i havent spoke to in almost 3 years and probably never will again. the other i still talk with now and then and i still have a lot of love for her. we will always be friends.

one said that she thought my emotional ways, how i am so touched by things and express them with tears, was beautiful. and i think that to this day has made me never afraid to be emotional. some say it is a downfall but i will always find it as a virtue.

the other person said that i was the only person who possessed true emotion- real emotion. and that makes my heart bleed. its easy to see how i feel in love with him.

all i know is how i feel and i feel so much that the passion of the tragedy and struggle i have endured eats away at my heart. and it bleeds into every thing i say and every eye i look into. i don't doubt that it will always be that way. i will never find being overly emotional as a setback. i will only see it as a strength because so many people cannot feel and if they do- they cannot express it like i can. and those who talk shit are just pussies running from how they feel. it is much more commendable to be able to be vulnerable and humble. it makes you 10 times stronger than those who feel nothing.