grrrrr! i tried taking gaba but no luck. i guess i have to stick with more destructive kinds of remedies. which may or may not include: red wine, masturbation, hot tub, underwater basket weaving...
seriously- FML. this shit is getting beyond old. any suggestions?
Monday, June 8, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
playing it safe? why don't you go play in traffic. bitches.
why are people overly critical and why do they hold you to impossible standards that they can't even uphold? it's like some sick and twisted charade of torture. i don't get it and i don't think its fair. to make demands when your own life is derailing- what is that all about? it's so funny people try to cut me down and make assumptions about me but no one really knows how hard it has been. i don't have to even explain it- my struggle is evident in everything i do. i would like to see anyone pick themselves up and move across country and start over. alone- with $700 and a car i later totaled. kneegrow, please! they would fail and i would laugh hysterically. i didn't fail. remember that as you spew out loose accusations that reflect jealousy. why don't you stop worrying about me and picking me apart and focus on yourself? stop wasting time on me- i'll be fine. you on the other hand... hmmm...
i hate people play it safe. making all the right, overly calculated decisions that their parents or family has laid out for them. fucking barf! take your suzy homemaker, white picket fence, stenciled life and fuck off! it's that kind of mentality that embraces normality and what is considered "acceptable." says who? you have to take a risk to make a difference in your life! people are such pansies sometimes. it makes me sick. like grow a pair dip shit. then they criticize you because you have the balls to do something good for yourself and make a brash move. when they wouldn't have the nerve. it just makes me laugh anymore! don't fucking come to me and tell me dick about this or that, when you surround yourself with comfort zones. what the fuck do you know? you're afraid to even get your toes wet. i jumped in- all the way in. sink or swim. do or do not- there is no try.
so pardon me if i am a bit defensive and a bit rough around the edges. i really can't take you seriously if you have had a cake walk life and yet think your life is so horrible. some of the shit you whine about- i would love to have as a problem. don't take things for granted! don't blow shit out of proportion. somethings are virtue in disguise. you just have to see it the right way. loss creates gain. expand your frame of thought. most of the shit people bitch about is self inflicted. and that only makes you a masochist which is a very disturbing and disgusting way to self destruct. get real.
i have a lot of respect for people who can take ownership to the things they do. it takes a big person to admit when they are wrong and swallow their pride. because- everyone is human. everyone makes mistakes. it's what you do with it that counts. you can lick your own wounds all you want but that's going to get you nowhere- except choking on your own blood. do something with it. there is nothing wrong with fucking up if you grow and learn. trust me- i'm the expert.
x.
aa
*random fact about me: i have really bad circulation. my nose, hands and toes are always cold. as we speak- i cant feel my toes. fuck!
i hate people play it safe. making all the right, overly calculated decisions that their parents or family has laid out for them. fucking barf! take your suzy homemaker, white picket fence, stenciled life and fuck off! it's that kind of mentality that embraces normality and what is considered "acceptable." says who? you have to take a risk to make a difference in your life! people are such pansies sometimes. it makes me sick. like grow a pair dip shit. then they criticize you because you have the balls to do something good for yourself and make a brash move. when they wouldn't have the nerve. it just makes me laugh anymore! don't fucking come to me and tell me dick about this or that, when you surround yourself with comfort zones. what the fuck do you know? you're afraid to even get your toes wet. i jumped in- all the way in. sink or swim. do or do not- there is no try.
so pardon me if i am a bit defensive and a bit rough around the edges. i really can't take you seriously if you have had a cake walk life and yet think your life is so horrible. some of the shit you whine about- i would love to have as a problem. don't take things for granted! don't blow shit out of proportion. somethings are virtue in disguise. you just have to see it the right way. loss creates gain. expand your frame of thought. most of the shit people bitch about is self inflicted. and that only makes you a masochist which is a very disturbing and disgusting way to self destruct. get real.
i have a lot of respect for people who can take ownership to the things they do. it takes a big person to admit when they are wrong and swallow their pride. because- everyone is human. everyone makes mistakes. it's what you do with it that counts. you can lick your own wounds all you want but that's going to get you nowhere- except choking on your own blood. do something with it. there is nothing wrong with fucking up if you grow and learn. trust me- i'm the expert.
x.
aa
*random fact about me: i have really bad circulation. my nose, hands and toes are always cold. as we speak- i cant feel my toes. fuck!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
reckoner.
this has been a very interesting week. lots of drama. a lot self created. this year is half over. wow! i'm making some changes. fuck complacency. i can't be a victim to routine. i gotta change it up.
people will hate on you if they think you threaten them in anyway. be it mentally, emotionally or physically. some people can be so grotesquely petty. they will claw you apart until you're virtually disassembled out of discontent with their own pathetic lives. i think its quite disgusting. lately i feel i can't praise myself because, then it seems like i am gloating and i can't feel sorry for myself because that is weak. but fuck all that bullshit! i shouldn't have to feel bad for achieving and i don't feel sorry for myself. i have a vast amount of self ownership. i take full responsibility for what i do. i will not pity myself and i cringe that others would pity me. that makes me sick! i do plow through hard times, as does anyone. but i have enough self awareness to acknowledge my short comings and try to intercept them before they get out of hand. obviously- i am not perfect. and no one is! i fuck up a lot and i do make mistakes. but that just makes me try harder. i do demand more out of myself than i probably should because i am a perfectionist and an over achiever. the reason for this is because i have experienced tremendous loss in my life. but after many years of using these things as a crutch- i have progressed beyond that. it has make me strong as a bull and its has also humbled me quite a bit. so in essence- i feel my overtly driven nature is a derivative of me wanting to overcome the past that haunted me for so many years. its a personal thing. i do not think i am better then the next person and i wouldn't ever. i try not to be overly critical on others as a twisted way of displacing my past. that's just plain futile. i need to demand more than that form myself. i have this fierce thirst to succeed. to go the extra mile. to push myself. i always will have a fire that burns inside of me. a fire makes me one of the most passionate beings on this earth.
of course, being that passionate does come with negative aspects as well. i have a temper from hell. i see red and i will tarnish your reputation if you cross me. i know this is an area of improvement [obviously]. i need to be more logical about my anger and channel it in a more effective manner. i guess there is a lot of rage and resentment from being a doormat for many years- where as now i simply will not accept any kind of disrespect, ever. and of course i go too far with it. for that, i do apologize! i wish i didn't take things to the extreme and become such a vindictive and cruel person. but the fact is- i do. but, at the very least, i do realize that this is destructive and immature. i can be quite a rational person at times so i know i have it in me to be better than that. i just need to find a point where i can stop it before it gets out of hand. stay tuned.
i am a complicated person. i guess some would say that is an understatement. fuck. i don't really know what to say about that- except its equal parts good and bad. good because i am not easy to figure out. bad because i can't figure myself out sometimes. FML! i am really trying to work on the grey matter in my life because i am such an extremist that there never was any grey area in between black and white for me. i am starting to work on this and open myself up to it. it's refreshing to say the least. it's given me a whole new perspective on many things. of course- it took me almost getting fired to make the change- but i guess that's just how it goes. i am grateful for that because it lead me too a slight mini enlightenment- if you will.
i guess you could say i'm in somewhat of a mid- life crisis. except, i'm not really at the mid-life age range [close but not quite] and i don't really see is as a crisis per say. its more just a new chapter of sorts. i have got a lot of things to figure out. in this past year, i have made major improvements to my life. got my own place, bought a new car, changed my eating habits, started going to the gym religiously, dropped mad weight, changed my aesthetic appearance, gave up boozing so heavily. i feel good! but there is still something missing. i feel like i have worked on myself so much that i have lost the concept of opening myself up to another individual. i have been very closed off and reclusive. i feel like i am now ready to go beyond that. i want to be vulnerable to someone else- i want to embrace that. i feel like i am completely over my devastating heart break. my relocation to vegas, to rid of aforementioned heartbreak, worked. i have been alone for a long time now and really kind of fell in love with it. but now i feel like it may be time to let someone in. as scary as that is- i think i am finally ready. this goes for both friendship and romantic affairs. and that feels really good. not that i am going to look for anything but just to know that i feel capable, is a virtue. its an amazing feeling. after all the torment and frustration and distorted self perception. after all the manipulation and confusion and struggle- i feel like i can hold my head up now! i feel like i can breathe! its so strange, i feel reborn and new. i'm so much more confident and strong. a totally different person. i'm so glad i took my time to heal and not rush into anything. 3 years ago, i thought i would never be able to let anyone close to me ever again. i thought i didn't have anything to offer anyone. i thought i would never love again. now- i know i will.
people will hate on you if they think you threaten them in anyway. be it mentally, emotionally or physically. some people can be so grotesquely petty. they will claw you apart until you're virtually disassembled out of discontent with their own pathetic lives. i think its quite disgusting. lately i feel i can't praise myself because, then it seems like i am gloating and i can't feel sorry for myself because that is weak. but fuck all that bullshit! i shouldn't have to feel bad for achieving and i don't feel sorry for myself. i have a vast amount of self ownership. i take full responsibility for what i do. i will not pity myself and i cringe that others would pity me. that makes me sick! i do plow through hard times, as does anyone. but i have enough self awareness to acknowledge my short comings and try to intercept them before they get out of hand. obviously- i am not perfect. and no one is! i fuck up a lot and i do make mistakes. but that just makes me try harder. i do demand more out of myself than i probably should because i am a perfectionist and an over achiever. the reason for this is because i have experienced tremendous loss in my life. but after many years of using these things as a crutch- i have progressed beyond that. it has make me strong as a bull and its has also humbled me quite a bit. so in essence- i feel my overtly driven nature is a derivative of me wanting to overcome the past that haunted me for so many years. its a personal thing. i do not think i am better then the next person and i wouldn't ever. i try not to be overly critical on others as a twisted way of displacing my past. that's just plain futile. i need to demand more than that form myself. i have this fierce thirst to succeed. to go the extra mile. to push myself. i always will have a fire that burns inside of me. a fire makes me one of the most passionate beings on this earth.
of course, being that passionate does come with negative aspects as well. i have a temper from hell. i see red and i will tarnish your reputation if you cross me. i know this is an area of improvement [obviously]. i need to be more logical about my anger and channel it in a more effective manner. i guess there is a lot of rage and resentment from being a doormat for many years- where as now i simply will not accept any kind of disrespect, ever. and of course i go too far with it. for that, i do apologize! i wish i didn't take things to the extreme and become such a vindictive and cruel person. but the fact is- i do. but, at the very least, i do realize that this is destructive and immature. i can be quite a rational person at times so i know i have it in me to be better than that. i just need to find a point where i can stop it before it gets out of hand. stay tuned.
i am a complicated person. i guess some would say that is an understatement. fuck. i don't really know what to say about that- except its equal parts good and bad. good because i am not easy to figure out. bad because i can't figure myself out sometimes. FML! i am really trying to work on the grey matter in my life because i am such an extremist that there never was any grey area in between black and white for me. i am starting to work on this and open myself up to it. it's refreshing to say the least. it's given me a whole new perspective on many things. of course- it took me almost getting fired to make the change- but i guess that's just how it goes. i am grateful for that because it lead me too a slight mini enlightenment- if you will.
i guess you could say i'm in somewhat of a mid- life crisis. except, i'm not really at the mid-life age range [close but not quite] and i don't really see is as a crisis per say. its more just a new chapter of sorts. i have got a lot of things to figure out. in this past year, i have made major improvements to my life. got my own place, bought a new car, changed my eating habits, started going to the gym religiously, dropped mad weight, changed my aesthetic appearance, gave up boozing so heavily. i feel good! but there is still something missing. i feel like i have worked on myself so much that i have lost the concept of opening myself up to another individual. i have been very closed off and reclusive. i feel like i am now ready to go beyond that. i want to be vulnerable to someone else- i want to embrace that. i feel like i am completely over my devastating heart break. my relocation to vegas, to rid of aforementioned heartbreak, worked. i have been alone for a long time now and really kind of fell in love with it. but now i feel like it may be time to let someone in. as scary as that is- i think i am finally ready. this goes for both friendship and romantic affairs. and that feels really good. not that i am going to look for anything but just to know that i feel capable, is a virtue. its an amazing feeling. after all the torment and frustration and distorted self perception. after all the manipulation and confusion and struggle- i feel like i can hold my head up now! i feel like i can breathe! its so strange, i feel reborn and new. i'm so much more confident and strong. a totally different person. i'm so glad i took my time to heal and not rush into anything. 3 years ago, i thought i would never be able to let anyone close to me ever again. i thought i didn't have anything to offer anyone. i thought i would never love again. now- i know i will.
tonight reminded
me how i do not need to sweat the past and i need to embrace my future. someone [actually several people] told me the i was the hottest 29 year old they knew. that made me feel great. sometimes thats all it takes. heres to new opportunities and new adventures. i love my life <3
i feel amazing
i feel amazing
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
time makes you bolder
i'll be 29 in one month. kinda scary. kinda exciting.
i always look forward to the future. what else can we look forward to?
i always look forward to the future. what else can we look forward to?
Monday, June 1, 2009
i solomly swear...
... i am up to no good! oh fuck. what i meant to say is: i solemnly swear to update, up in this bitch, more! i must admit- i have somewhat of a knack for writing. i always have. i used to win creative writing contests when i was a wee young lass. now that i'm a grown up cunt- i feel there is more need to display my cunning linguist [har har] ways. it's one thing i know i am decent at. i don't want to take it for granted.
that being said, i would like to set forth some expectations:
1. i hate capitalization. loathe would be a better word. i'm all e.e. cummings about lowercasing. i will, however, entertain you with caps if i feel it is merited! i can also dazzle with italics and bold! :D so, if you're going to be a whiny ass bitch about it- seek petty ass needling, elsewhere. i promise you, i will make up for it with nice meaty, girthy... content. ha. pervs.
2. i am NOT the best at grammar, nor am i the best speller in the world. i will try to edit best i can- but let's not judge over something so utterly [in my mind] mundane. i have, for you're pretentious grammar nazi ways, tackled comma's lately. altho i may just get annoyed with them and give them the boot. stay tuned for that excitement!
3. try not to get offended- or try not to have a guilty conscience. i have an extremely big opinion and and even bigger mouf. i will spit fire if you piss me off- please believe! but i willn't name names. if you cannot handle and intelligent conversation/debate/bitch fest- refrain from reading this. because- i can almost guarantee i will piss you off. you have been warned! i don't want to read your tweets, all crying about shit later. i'm serious. buck up bitches!
4. i appreciate and welcome feedback and criticism. i like to think i have relatively thick skin. however, i do NOT welcome rude, un-warranted rhetoric. save it, kids.
5. i am vulgar. i will address controversial issues. again. if you want a PG 13 blog- this ain't the one! perhaps you would feel more comfortable with a less abrasive writer.
6. i make up words and i combine terms to make words and descriptions. i also like fragments, one word sentences and shortening words. fuck long walks on the beach and cuddling. deal with it.
okay... i think that is a good solid foundation. anyway, i need to get to the gym to work off this fatty pizza i just ate. FML. peace!
x.
aa
that being said, i would like to set forth some expectations:
1. i hate capitalization. loathe would be a better word. i'm all e.e. cummings about lowercasing. i will, however, entertain you with caps if i feel it is merited! i can also dazzle with italics and bold! :D so, if you're going to be a whiny ass bitch about it- seek petty ass needling, elsewhere. i promise you, i will make up for it with nice meaty, girthy... content. ha. pervs.
2. i am NOT the best at grammar, nor am i the best speller in the world. i will try to edit best i can- but let's not judge over something so utterly [in my mind] mundane. i have, for you're pretentious grammar nazi ways, tackled comma's lately. altho i may just get annoyed with them and give them the boot. stay tuned for that excitement!
3. try not to get offended- or try not to have a guilty conscience. i have an extremely big opinion and and even bigger mouf. i will spit fire if you piss me off- please believe! but i willn't name names. if you cannot handle and intelligent conversation/debate/bitch fest- refrain from reading this. because- i can almost guarantee i will piss you off. you have been warned! i don't want to read your tweets, all crying about shit later. i'm serious. buck up bitches!
4. i appreciate and welcome feedback and criticism. i like to think i have relatively thick skin. however, i do NOT welcome rude, un-warranted rhetoric. save it, kids.
5. i am vulgar. i will address controversial issues. again. if you want a PG 13 blog- this ain't the one! perhaps you would feel more comfortable with a less abrasive writer.
6. i make up words and i combine terms to make words and descriptions. i also like fragments, one word sentences and shortening words. fuck long walks on the beach and cuddling. deal with it.
okay... i think that is a good solid foundation. anyway, i need to get to the gym to work off this fatty pizza i just ate. FML. peace!
x.
aa
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
i've been neglecting this blog.
lemme revamp this with a survey!
THIRTEEN THINGS YOU LOVE:
1. hello kitty
2. playing rock band on xbox
3. writing
4. singing
5. cleaning
6. organizing things [i'm hella OCD]
7. autumn [not much of it in vegas :/]
8. twitter
9. conversating
10. sushi
11. learning
12. being humbled
13. getting tattooed
TWELVE MOVIES:
1. a clockwork orange
2. natural born killers
3. true romance
4. american psycho
5. fear and loathing in las vegas
6. pulp fiction
7. trainspotting
8. repo: the genetic opera
9. garden state
10. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
11. the notebook
12. closer
ELEVEN GOOD BANDS/ARTISTS:
1. mastadon
2. N.A.S.A.
3. converge
4. fleet foxes
5. morrissey
6. sanigold
7. crystal castles
8. a place to bury strangers
9. ghangis tron
10. paramore
11. atmosphere
[i got lazy and just put the CD's that are in car currently]
TEN THINGS ABOUT YOU:
1. workaholic
2. always at the gym
3. never answer the phone or call you back.
4. very intuitive
5. antisocial.
6. i dress like i am 8 years old.
7. i'm addicted to change
8. college graduate
9. outspoken
10. not nice
NINE GOOD FRIENDS:
1. you
2. don't
3. know
4. any
5. of
6. them
7. in
8. real
9. life
EIGHT FAVORITE FOODS/DRINKS:
1. sushi
2. pad see ew
3. avacado egg rolls
4. anything indian
5. hummus
6. fakin lettuce tomato
7. bloody mary
8. absinthe
SEVEN THINGS YOU WEAR DAILY:
1. septum ring
2. gauges
3. sunglasses
4. burts bee's chap stick
4. deodorant
5. fragrance
6. something shirt like
7. something that covers my lower body [pants, skirt, shorts, underoos]
SIX THINGS THAT YOU HATE:
1. people
2. posers
3. hippies
4. bad drivers
5. posers
6. spoiled brats
FIVE THINGS YOU DO DAILY:
1. drive
2. eat
3. sleep
4. pee
5. breathe
FOUR TELEVISION SHOWS YOU WATCH:
1. true blood
2. the tudors
3. flight of the conchords
4. californication
THREE THINGS YOU WANT:
1. a band
2. more ink
3. success
TWO THINGS YOU SAY OFTEN:
1. do the math
2. fail
ONE PERSON YOU COULD SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH:
1. no one yet
THIRTEEN THINGS YOU LOVE:
1. hello kitty
2. playing rock band on xbox
3. writing
4. singing
5. cleaning
6. organizing things [i'm hella OCD]
7. autumn [not much of it in vegas :/]
8. twitter
9. conversating
10. sushi
11. learning
12. being humbled
13. getting tattooed
TWELVE MOVIES:
1. a clockwork orange
2. natural born killers
3. true romance
4. american psycho
5. fear and loathing in las vegas
6. pulp fiction
7. trainspotting
8. repo: the genetic opera
9. garden state
10. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
11. the notebook
12. closer
ELEVEN GOOD BANDS/ARTISTS:
1. mastadon
2. N.A.S.A.
3. converge
4. fleet foxes
5. morrissey
6. sanigold
7. crystal castles
8. a place to bury strangers
9. ghangis tron
10. paramore
11. atmosphere
[i got lazy and just put the CD's that are in car currently]
TEN THINGS ABOUT YOU:
1. workaholic
2. always at the gym
3. never answer the phone or call you back.
4. very intuitive
5. antisocial.
6. i dress like i am 8 years old.
7. i'm addicted to change
8. college graduate
9. outspoken
10. not nice
NINE GOOD FRIENDS:
1. you
2. don't
3. know
4. any
5. of
6. them
7. in
8. real
9. life
EIGHT FAVORITE FOODS/DRINKS:
1. sushi
2. pad see ew
3. avacado egg rolls
4. anything indian
5. hummus
6. fakin lettuce tomato
7. bloody mary
8. absinthe
SEVEN THINGS YOU WEAR DAILY:
1. septum ring
2. gauges
3. sunglasses
4. burts bee's chap stick
4. deodorant
5. fragrance
6. something shirt like
7. something that covers my lower body [pants, skirt, shorts, underoos]
SIX THINGS THAT YOU HATE:
1. people
2. posers
3. hippies
4. bad drivers
5. posers
6. spoiled brats
FIVE THINGS YOU DO DAILY:
1. drive
2. eat
3. sleep
4. pee
5. breathe
FOUR TELEVISION SHOWS YOU WATCH:
1. true blood
2. the tudors
3. flight of the conchords
4. californication
THREE THINGS YOU WANT:
1. a band
2. more ink
3. success
TWO THINGS YOU SAY OFTEN:
1. do the math
2. fail
ONE PERSON YOU COULD SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH:
1. no one yet
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