i've been trying to reinvent myself lately. it's tricky when you do this because you have to choose which parts of yourself to hold on to and which parts to let go of completely. sometimes you come to find you must let go of everything. as hard as it can be, sometimes it is necessity. when you wake up one day and find your whole life has changed, it's a hard thing to swallow. this has happened to me in the past few months. everything has changed. my priorities have shifted. i've had to reevaluate everything and as heartbreaking as it has been, i feel inspired. i feel refreshed and enlightened. it's sad that we sometimes get so caught up in things that we cannot see the unhealthy death grip we have on them is the very thing that drives them away. separation is one of the greatest teachers. loss and desolation all put things into perspective and shed light on things we may not notice any other way.

what i have learned is that other people and things never define who you are. you define yourself. you cannot invest everything you have into someone or something, then you cheapen yourself fully. there are no sure bets. there is always a risk. you can allow it to drag you down or lift you up. you will never find things if you look for them. things that are meant to happen will naturally. let things be. let things go. peel away all the masks off and you will find your true self. simplicity and subtleties have all gone by the wayside. our neurosis have drained all of our energy. obsessing over things and trying to control and manipulate situations and people are all pointless really. you cannot change others unless they desire to change. you cannot heal others unless they have the desire to heal. its natural for me to desire to fix others but the sad reality is i just can't. i can inspire, i can aid and i can comfort but in the end. they have to want to change. if they don't, you're just pissing in the wind. personal accountability is a difficult road to travel but it's one we all must travel alone.

you cannot lessen yourself when things don't go as you want. that's life. you must embrace great loss. it can show you things you never thought possible. to endure builds character. it toughens you. it opens you up. true strength is obtained by your ability to adapt. it's easy to doubt yourself and cut yourself down because people disapprove of you. should we let this take away from our own personal beauty? never. everything you are is not cast away because of someone else. if someone cannot see you for who you are and cannot value you- you don't need them. you have to forgive yourself. sometimes you give your best effort and it's just not enough for someone else, it's disenchanting but you cannot lose yourself at the hand of someone else. it's never worth it. see it for what it is, let it humble you and let it go. lift yourself up and be whole by yourself.

try again.

i take your defeat as my victory

grasping for any shred of humility

to teach me

as you walked away

my heart sank

but i sing today

wanting to allow this to ground me

somehow

wanting this to help me break the

cycle

dismiss everything i am

dismiss everything we had

over trivialities

now hanging you

by your own throat

ropes laced with

your apathetic vacancy

your morose disposition

your insatiability

your lack of color

i fought for you

i lifted you out of addiction

i tried to show you your inner light

but i still lost

i wanted to know every part of you

i know i see the real you

i see through you cowardliness

your habitual desire to run away

when you're not comfortable

you cant stand to feel

and i cant deal

you left me at the worst time

yet somehow i find the strength to shine

i cant feel sorry for myself

i only feel sorry for you

what you take from me

will haunt you

my grace, my compassion, my tolerance

will all create a void in you

that no one else can fill

only it will be far too late when you realize

or appreciate any of it

i hope you can grow up one day little boy and reap what you sow

rewrite

i'm in far too deep now

yet it feels right

fate

i've doubted many things

for many years

but i have found hope and faith

in you

watching you sleep

to the rhythm of my heart beat

i haven't felt this whole

and complete

in so long

long lost

love lost

when you find it again

its like starting over

somewhat more refreshing that

ever before

no more hang ups

no more hesitation

rewriting the sky

rewriting time

for all time

i give myself to you

i know you wont hurt me

our planets align

it's been too long

but now it's time

i throw my broken heart into your constellation

to mend itself in your heaven

in a new galaxy all our own

.

you know it's strange, i am only inspired to write when things are at odds. my life is at complete disarray. yet, it humbles and pushes me to learn and grow, to embrace every emotion i can fathom, for some cannot feel. the power of our own struggles sometimes can overwhelm. we take so much for granted even strife. it can teach you to hurt so badly. we are parsimonious. we are frightened to feel. but there are no highs without lows. i must keep reminding myself of this.

only in dreams.

i was not ready for this blow. i thought there was a spark between us that was lighting the way to a new path. i wanted to be everything for you. i wanted to swallow my pride because i thought you were worth it. you are worth it. i hope once day you can find a way to become whole and to truly feel a love you have never known. i hope it is everything you want because you are everything i want. the whole time i was on my trip i had butterflies in my stomach thinking about you and how awesome you were and how much i missed you. the absence of you made me feel that much closer to you, and i wish you could see all the beauty i was surrounded with. it made me miss you because you are beautiful. i dreamed of you. i wanted to sing you to sleep. i haven't felt that in such a long time, it was so strange. my immediate response was to run away from my feelings but for some reason i didn't and i couldn't. i thought that must mean something.

i'm not mad at you. you cannot help how you feel. i can't hold that against you because that is unfair. but it hurts. it hurts out loud. i really thought there was something between us that i have never felt before. i found my self suddenly consumed with hope and the desire to be something to someone else instead of just myself. i felt you were worth opening up for, i wanted to try for you. i don't think there is anything wrong with that. i'm actually proud of myself for allowing someone to penetrate this shell i have, even if it didn't work out how i wanted. i guess thats life.

i see something in you. i know others see it, too. i know i'm not the only girl who thinks you are magical. i only wish that you would believe it yourself. maybe that is part of why you cannot feel things for others because you don't value yourself enough. it would make sense. i will always be here for you. i will always try to help you. being a friend is more important, but you can't blame me for wanting more. i embrace you for all that you are but must see the potential and kindness you possess for yourself. perhaps only then will you be able to open yourself up to be all you're capable of. i know you have it in you. i know you have the capacity to feel because i have seen bits and pieces of it here and there. i wish i could tell you how to hone in on that but you have to figure that out yourself. i will help you in any way i can.

maybe one day things can be different. you make me want to be better person. i hope one day you can feel as strong for someone as i feel for you. i wish you the best.

dissonance dance

i feel an odd yet warm

sense of contentment

in the arms of discontent

the moments of sanity seem to

stand out

i refuse to put my safety jacket

my life

in the arms of someone else

even at my weakest

i know i can only heal by myself

the fulcrum of life

our light

should beam bright

within ourselves

only to radiant

others with an enchanting glow

lifting everything around us up

with the grace and beauty

sometimes our hearts get dirty

but we must clean them off alone

taking time to reflect and heal

it may be the only path to find

our way home

and this destination

sometimes is derailed

with fear and fables

we get misconstrued

we get lost

sometimes we must get burned

by every star in our own sky

to show us how to shine brighter

then we've ever known

certain situations are heart breaking

and parts of us all die

when we lose, when we part ways

these are the essence of existence

the core of loss and gain

i cherish every notion of the future

that entices with echoes of the past

when sometimes the present goes so fast

its hard to savor the subtleties

but tonight i cannot deny

the wonder and desire

and all the little things the encompass

the desire be happy

even in the den of desolation

i find hope

i will struggle through what i have to

to get the peace i must

fairytales tell tales.

if you have no passion in life then what's the point? i get so angry at people that put everything into the innocuous. they wax frivolous. i don't need your sanctimony especially if you're just a worthless cunt. i have met so many in this town, in this country, on this planet. i guess i just don't get it. i wish i knew how to be a girl because at this point- i kind of don't have the faintest idea. i have come to terms with the fact that i will always be one of the dudes. i hate how most girls eat up attention. i hate it. i don't like when people hit on me. it makes me uncomfortable. i don't know how to take a compliment. i don't really get jealous, although sometime i wish i could. if i ever get married [which i highly doubt] i don't want a ring or a wedding. that shit doesn't matter to me. it takes away from what it should be. i want to light fairy tales on fire to disintegrate what they do to our heads. that kind of shit doesn't exist, nor should it. it only makes me sick.

i know i'm far beyond jaded. i'm trying to allow that to teach me so i can gain something positive from it. i don't know if i have made any progress at all. everything in my life is at a constant inconsistency at times and i wonder if it's good or bad. i guess it's a dichotomy that is the essence of my life. i feel like no one knows what it means to be loyal and sincere. we are all lost in the shuffle. i expect far too much from everyone and therefore i am always let down. i don't feel i should have to lower those expectations down to be more satisfied. fuck that! but, i guess i forget we are all human and we all get weak. i am no different. i fuck up. the only difference is i pride myself on owning up to my shortcomings. it makes me humble.

i wish more people had something real to say. i know not everyone has a way with words and some find it hard to convey how they feel. i still think that people hold so much back. i know i do. i'm going to try to work on that. life is too short. if anything, i want to be known for my exuberance. i'm vulgar as fuck. i don't tolerate anyones bullshit. i don't have time for cowards or manipulators. i want something real.

cellar door.

it's enlightening when i hear an album or read a book, years after initial discovery, to uncover a whole new meaning behind it. it's like re-percussive royalties. it teaches you in a different light and enhances your perspective. i have a constant desire to learn. i think once that desire becomes fulfilled- i will be 6 feet under. call me parsimonious.

it's only when i learn to accept dissonance, instead of fighting it, i find contentment.

.

did they mispronounce your name?
did they spell it wrong?
spell you wrong?
underestimate you?
no one ever gets it.
physical pleasure are but that.
giving away your DNA
but not your heart
write you prayers on your veins
immerse them in the blood
thick as mud
winding down
and falling out
did you find yourself in the chaos?
did you lose yourself in her eyes?
what did they say about
the way you intertwined
does it stop you now?
did you even shed a tear?
no one is ever completely without blame
no one is ever completely without pain
stitch the dissonance with heavy sighs
you cannot escape the fire in her lies
wanting to become something more
wanting something worth fighting for
but you gave all you could
you gave out
she gave up
and there was nothing but emptiness
lying on the floor
and now you can do nothing more
but walk away
try as you may
try as fast as you can
you cant escape
the grip
the grit
tomorrow is only a regret away

this ocean always floods the desert in the worst way

in rage there is beauty

the fire inside me needs to unfurl
in rage there is beauty
when it doesnt matter how hard you try
things fall apart
there is calm in that somehow
the vicious cycle of life
sometimes thats all i have
and i want to set the future on fire
inhale the fumes of the past
and burn myself on the present
and thats the only way i can be
with ribbons of devotion
i will choke your false intentions
pretty can get dirty
and discontent can get gritty
peeling away layers of defenses
only to realign
stronger than the last time
i reject your limitations
your insatiability
because maybe i am just the same
and maybe we are more alike than you know
but for now i have to let you go

illusions.

who says emotions cant mirror stregnth? i am strong enough to cry and a break down and die a little when anyone hurts me. i know its a part of life. but it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt. life hurts. dont build me up- i need to break it down. all the way down. to the fundementals. my memory stains my mind. i just cant justify it this time. and if you can- then maybe we dont see eye to eye. and maybe we never have.

magnetic

taking my power back. no more running. i need let myself bleed. these precious things- are they all that precious to me? i can feel your thoughts. i can taste your desire. no words need to be spoken. i know the things that will be. self doubt is cruel. it can overcome your whole being. and it's a vicious spiral down. i guess i had to learn to crawl and skin my knees- but it taught me how to please. i can be anything you need because i can read your mind. i welcome your greed to feed on me. everyone is a vampire and we all have to drain the blood in one way or another. why can't it be sexy? why can't it be nourishing? you see, screams are taught to bind us but they really just set us free. restraint is for the fearful. they are too afraid to need. what winds you up- enlightens me. i switch the rules, i change the roles. there are no rules in life that will withhold. i write my own laws and i will abide as i please. deny your attraction to me yet, i feel your heart beat. you can say anything you want but i know what you need. i transcend commonality. in every way i am violent, passionate, both demon and saint. and it both scares and compels you, for you are just the same. same logic, same voice, same name.

reflections.

sometimes we take for granted all the tiny wonders that surround us. lately, i have been trying to dismantle every element of my life. i have to do it to re-learn how to be a better person, or even how to be a person. i guess i lost myself again. but i will find my way back. fundamentally- no one ever changes. there are things in the very core of your being that are intrinsic. to alter these things or even slightly change them- you must undo everything you know. all the things that make you comfortable, you must let go of. for me, it's the only way i can survive. and i have done it far too many times.

now i feel, i have done this too much. i have no idea how to get back to who i am, because i do not know who i am. i am so used to reinventing, that i have nothing left to reinvent. it's fucked. so i am trying to remember things about my past, and i am trying to let them teach me. it's strange how our youth defines so much of what affects us presently. i hate how mistakes we make in the past define out future. yes, as i said earlier, we do not change much the course of our entire existence. but that doesn't mean that everyone falls into this pattern.

for example- when i was 22 i was in an abusive relationship. i do not want pity. it was what it was and me staying in that environment was also something i have to take responsibility for. long story short- we got into a fight where he was choking me and i could not breathe. so i grabbed a knife so he would let go of me. i didn't want to hurt him, for as bad as he treated me, i did love him. i just wanted him to stop choking me and he was easily 2 or 3 times bigger than i so thats all i had to work with. he was so wasted that he grabbed the knife on the blade side and cut his hand. he proceeded to punch me in the face several time until i passed out. i came to, also very wasted and i forget what happened. i immediately call 911 because i saw blood. they came and arrested both of us.

it was my first and only offense. it was a felony but they dropped it down to a misdemeanor. 4th degree assault. i had to attend and pay for anger managment classes for 6 months. i was the only person who went every week, without fail, in a row [plus if you missed a meeting you had to start over]. after that, i turned my whole life around. i left that dude. i was about a year and half from graduating college, so after a year long break, i went back and got my degree. i was the first person to graduate college from my whole family, and since then, everyone in my family has earned their degree- even my father who got his last year. i also got a decent job after college where i got my own place and my own car and i have taken care of myself ever since.

what is the point of all this? well the point is- you CAN change. anyone in that situation would have most likely return to the cycle of abuse. most people continue the criminal activity once they begin it. but not me. that lesson taught me so much. it put everything into perspective. i didn't wanna be a fuck up. i refuse to let that one instance define my whole life and so far it hasn't. nothing is as bad as it seems. if you can do something constructive with the bad things that happen- it's never a mistake and you can never regret it.

as i sit here, eating some yummy cookies i baked from scratch and listening to my cat purr on the bed besides me- i am just thankful to have come this far. i start a new job in a week and i also go to coachella thursday. life isn't so bad. it's what you make of it. everyone has fucked up shit they have to deal with. it's how you react that separates us from one another. everyone has their breaking point. everyone falls apart. but if you can get up and hold your head up, even when everyone doubts you and everyone is laughing at you, there is something to be said about that. you can find strength in the weakest places. if anything- that is what strength is.

no one else has a hold over me like you do.

no one else compares
i've dreamed of you so long
i've sang this song
yet i never tire of the deep melody
lulling my eardrums
with such precision
of perfection
and this has always been our destiny
it has always tasted of
such sheer spellbinding
magic
when our fates intertwine
under the clutch of red wine
the truths will dine
i've never wanted anything more
your gaze devours me
your bed tempts me
every cell of you compels
i've always known this would come to
fruition
emotion
passion
pain
we will rewrite the galaxy in both our names

spring fling

immersed in a overcast sunday
lazy and unregarded
feeling springs' sticky sweet kiss
dangerously
tickle my feet
ripe and warm
it tangles you up
like a cocoon
can you claw your way out?
i've got the hunger
i've got the itch
need a fix
reservations smashed
i need the grit
you underneath my fingernails
your sweat on my lips
my blood hot enough
to start a fire that shakes the devil
breaking rules
painting the sky red
with desire
it glows and yearns
lusting for the future
the wind takes away the cold
draws me out of my shell
draws me out of my hell

don't think twice...

it's alright...

all my armor falling down

a rift in my reality
for the better
it's like singing a new melody
getting lost in splendor
after weeks
of anxiety driven
starvation and insomnia
i feel at ease
we all lose our goddamn minds
at times
we sometimes become too intertwined
with our lives
over thinking
picking apart things
to the brink of emotional meltdown
it does no good
we all need to press restart
i desire to heal
to open my heart
i slowly start to peel
my reservations apart
and it feels so beautiful
however exposed
it feels good
i guess you can't ever know
that what you fear can become
a reservoir of hope
innocuous
it's funny how twisted
we can make our own world
unnecessarily
but now- i'm looking forward to hope
the past does not have to dictate our future
we should always be able to progress beyond our mistakes
and i long for what is to come
i embrace change like i
embrace the change of seasons
i feel the seasons shift
the climate warm and inviting
like my eyes
summer enticing
let whatever be
but let me become real again
let me revel
let me roar

ch-ch-changes

so many things have changed and are changing. things have been extremely rough for me lately and i honestly have been pretty down. but right now i feel like everything will work out. i'm going to only worry about the things i can control and not worry about the things [or people] i cannot. things are going to be okay. i tell myself that a lot but i usually do it as positive reaffirmation. i don;t always know if i believe that. but right now, i really feel it. and that's nothing but good. i have to remain as positive as i can. i do think being overly negative attracts negativity to your life so i must be conscious of that.

i guess the cool thing about being unemployed is the freedom. i can do whatever i fucking want to do. i have been doing a lot of things i haven't ever done before. i drove across country and went to new orleans and austin. new orleans is one of my favorite cities [ i was there for new years] and austin is some place i always wanted to go. so those are 2 accomplishments! i also just recently visited hawaii, another place i always wanted to visit. now all i really have left are the pacific northwest [seattle, portland] and san diego [don't ask me why i haven't ever been- i suck] and then new england [mainly NYC] and miami. then i will have seen all the US cities i care to see. but mainly i want to travel abroad. i haven't even been to canada or mexico. and considering i am half mexican- that is a gawddamn shame. but i will! mostly, i want to travel to europe. i have felt a calling there my whole life and england and amsterdamn are especially areas i need to visit very soon.

i guess i'll figure it all out and in the meantime i will have as much fun as i can!

for my mom RIP

today is the day when i allow myself to unravel
the day when my world was forever changed
i woke up at age 10
never to see you again
and as strong as it's made me
your absence breaks me
every year my heart breaks a little more
than before
and even tho it heals faster and faster each year
it's the same pain
it's the same ache
that will never go away
it's the same name
it's the same face
that i will never see again
mom
i will never forget
when i was 7
how you told me
"do you know how much i love you?"
how could i ever forget?
you defined what love is
because it is what you were
patient, understanding, forgiving and selfless
and i will never settle for anything less
i sometimes feel like you weren't real
that you were too magical to have been alive
so many years now fade my memory
still i cannot help but feel connected to you
somehow i feel i know you more
as times goes on
as memories fade
i find you in different ways
i wonder what you would think of me now?
almost everyone in my life that i love
never knew you
but i know you would embrace them
and accept them as your own
after all we are not so different
as far away as you seem
all i have to do is close my eyes and i can feel you
and sometimes i just wanna scream
and call out to you
this bad dream that became reality
sometimes is a little too real
people i know sometimes say "its time to move on"
but forgetting you is like
trying to forget your favorite song
impossible
and if i somehow could forget
what time could never erase
i would find you laced with the rhythm of my own heart
pumping with the blood of someone who made me
yet is no longer alive to see me
come to fruition
its a unresolved chord
an unfinished puzzle
and there is no way to explain
the sleepless nights
the questions
the pain
how obsolete is feels even some 19 year later
to be a girl without a mom
sometimes seems so unfair
its like being throw into the ocean
before you knew what land was
i learned about death far too young
i learned about it before i learned how to live
yet it somehow taught me everything about life
and how i could not live mine without you
and i wouldnt have to
because you are timeless
maternal love eternal
you are behind every laugh i bellow
every smile i share
these words i craft
the tears i bare
everyone will know a small piece of you
everyone will fall in love with you
and everyone will want to know you
you are never dead
your legacy is in my heart
your lessons in my head
imprinting everything i do
good and bad i embrace you
knowing you weren't perfect
knowing that your flaws somehow made you more real
and i can do nothing more than cherish you
the strife you were faced with
your story
i acknowledge that a part of me will always be missing
but bond between a mother and daughter
is one that cannot be broken
through life or death
it is forever
and i'm so fucking thankful
to have know such humble and vulnerable beauty
and i can only hope to be half the woman you were
i can only hope that you are never forgotten
as long as i live and breathe
you never will be

i love you mom. through life or death, our bond is beyond the physical world and our love is immortal.
RIP mom
1957-1990

from heroin to handbags

the american media is such an evil yet charming monster. i can't recall moments of my life that are not laced with ad campaigns and slogans forever etched into my brain. think about how much of an impact it has upon all of us. whether you like it or not- it's there. but behind all the manipulation there is one underlying common ground: money. we are so fucking greedy. we, as americans, want it faster, more advanced, and before anyone else has one. and no one, my comrades, is innocent of this. from heroin to handbags, we are all non denominational elitists. in a nutshell, that is what american's are. we are snobs. from music, to fashion, to cars, animals, luxury [and unnecessary] surgeries- we buy into an idea. that idea is the american dream. i used to think it was the same for everyone and in some ways it is. but really we set our own unattainable fantasy to gauge towards. it's a bit masochistic i feel. but what kind of american would we be without a little bit of self mutilation? in essence- what do you think plastic surgery is? in my mind- it's nothing but self mutilation but there are so many non-literal forms of it for each of us.

we want you to buy into a lifestyle. that's why everyone who lives in a po-dunk town is enamored with LA or NYC and everyone who actually lives there wants out. it's the chase. once you have it- the magnetism is gone. it's so fucked! i remember myself lusting over one of the two holy trinities of american culture. more so to LA [which i now loathe] and i have still never even been to new york city. in my mind [at least for los angeles] i think it's highly overrated and pretentious, now that it's has been actualized years later. but then again that's probably just the snob in me.

my question is this: is it healthy? to creates "wants" disguised as "needs"? someone told me today that people spend more time looking for a car than a home. i was floored! think about that. a home is something that is a necessity, yet a vehicle is not. say what you will but no one "needs" a car. modern society may tell you that you need it but in all actuality- you can survive without one. it's about status. it's about goals. i am definitely a victim to this. when i was in college, all i wanted was a red jetta when i graduated. i pined over it and lusted over it for years. i honestly never thought i would have it. what do i drive now? a red jetta. and [i think] it's a piece of shit. point made.

american's can never be satisfied. we are living in a culture with roots firmly in insatiability. fuck. i'm going to the gym to satisfy another unattainable goal <3