reflections.

sometimes we take for granted all the tiny wonders that surround us. lately, i have been trying to dismantle every element of my life. i have to do it to re-learn how to be a better person, or even how to be a person. i guess i lost myself again. but i will find my way back. fundamentally- no one ever changes. there are things in the very core of your being that are intrinsic. to alter these things or even slightly change them- you must undo everything you know. all the things that make you comfortable, you must let go of. for me, it's the only way i can survive. and i have done it far too many times.

now i feel, i have done this too much. i have no idea how to get back to who i am, because i do not know who i am. i am so used to reinventing, that i have nothing left to reinvent. it's fucked. so i am trying to remember things about my past, and i am trying to let them teach me. it's strange how our youth defines so much of what affects us presently. i hate how mistakes we make in the past define out future. yes, as i said earlier, we do not change much the course of our entire existence. but that doesn't mean that everyone falls into this pattern.

for example- when i was 22 i was in an abusive relationship. i do not want pity. it was what it was and me staying in that environment was also something i have to take responsibility for. long story short- we got into a fight where he was choking me and i could not breathe. so i grabbed a knife so he would let go of me. i didn't want to hurt him, for as bad as he treated me, i did love him. i just wanted him to stop choking me and he was easily 2 or 3 times bigger than i so thats all i had to work with. he was so wasted that he grabbed the knife on the blade side and cut his hand. he proceeded to punch me in the face several time until i passed out. i came to, also very wasted and i forget what happened. i immediately call 911 because i saw blood. they came and arrested both of us.

it was my first and only offense. it was a felony but they dropped it down to a misdemeanor. 4th degree assault. i had to attend and pay for anger managment classes for 6 months. i was the only person who went every week, without fail, in a row [plus if you missed a meeting you had to start over]. after that, i turned my whole life around. i left that dude. i was about a year and half from graduating college, so after a year long break, i went back and got my degree. i was the first person to graduate college from my whole family, and since then, everyone in my family has earned their degree- even my father who got his last year. i also got a decent job after college where i got my own place and my own car and i have taken care of myself ever since.

what is the point of all this? well the point is- you CAN change. anyone in that situation would have most likely return to the cycle of abuse. most people continue the criminal activity once they begin it. but not me. that lesson taught me so much. it put everything into perspective. i didn't wanna be a fuck up. i refuse to let that one instance define my whole life and so far it hasn't. nothing is as bad as it seems. if you can do something constructive with the bad things that happen- it's never a mistake and you can never regret it.

as i sit here, eating some yummy cookies i baked from scratch and listening to my cat purr on the bed besides me- i am just thankful to have come this far. i start a new job in a week and i also go to coachella thursday. life isn't so bad. it's what you make of it. everyone has fucked up shit they have to deal with. it's how you react that separates us from one another. everyone has their breaking point. everyone falls apart. but if you can get up and hold your head up, even when everyone doubts you and everyone is laughing at you, there is something to be said about that. you can find strength in the weakest places. if anything- that is what strength is.