coming to terms with the past.

noticing changes in your own self is rather intriguing. i like to reflect upon the past to gauge how far i have progressed and evolved. i think its a good way to exercise self perception. but it can be hard sometimes. i think back to my last relationship and it really kind of disgusts me to recall how weak and needy i was. it's pretty fucking pathetic. i don't think i could ever be like that again. what's worse is that my ex totally took advantage of me and manipulated me to keep me under his thumb- to do his bidding. but at the same time- i allowed it. i guess i really used to love him, as i cannot find any other explanation. but that's where i get this skewed ideal of love. if love can make someone in to a grotesquely co-dependent blubbering emotional mess- is that really love? does letting down your guard mean someone totally raping you when you are most vulnerable? more importantly, is there any kind of love in that? i, personally, do not think so in the slightest. i think that is a huge misconception of what love actually entails. love is not having power or control over someone. love is not manipulative. love is not selfish. love is equality, seeing eye to eye. love is complimentary. love is selfless. at least it is to me- now. i have said this before, many times. and if anything- the lack of love in my past relationships had really framed what i expect now. funny that the illusion of love- which in reality was pretty much the opposite of love- now defines what i think real love is. actually funny may not be the correct word. more aptly- i find it quite ludicrous.

they say love is blind and i agree with this in part. but i do think you have a choice in love. i do think you have the choice to see it for what it is and not taint it with mushy, sappy bullshit. as you also have the choice to be blind and choose to be oblivious. i know now that i chose the latter of the two. why? well, quite frankly, because i was weak. i wasn't strong enough to stand up to a person who was all too attractive on the outside. i should have known the inside- while possessing slightly good intentions- was a tsunami of insecurity, destruction and manipulation. and the fucked up part is he displaced his own shortcomings onto me and punished me for what was done to him in the past. it was like residual abuse. it's a pretty fool-proof equation really. cut me down and overreact about pointless fuck-ups to distract from your own flaws. genius. i got sucked in. i was in far too deep for my own good and i did backstrokes in pools of deception. i didn't care. i was beyond blind. that really disturbs me. it's funny how people bring their "A" game initially and then you always uncover the horrors that reside underneath. i am no exception. i don't doubt that the real me scared him off just a bit. but goddamn- i never anticipated the depths of jealousy and control issues he unleashed upon me. and let's be real- we both had a lot of fucked up baggage. these days- who doesn't? but the extent to which i bent over backwards for this boy is so insane, it shocks me still. the more i gave, the more hell he raised against me. i feel like there were no limits to the flaming hoops of horrible he would create for me. as i pushed myself through every grueling obstacle, i knew he gained immense pleasure in torturing me. in that- i do feel- he found love and that in some twisted way- that it was me proving my love for him. but it was never enough. and it never would have been. these days i wonder- am i capable to do that again? and if i were, would i dare?

i guess i just don't know. i refuse to ever let someone abuse me mentally and emotionally again. i do feel that that kind of abuse is much more damaging than physical. in fact, it's much easier to just brush off since there isn't anything physical to account for it. too many times people dismiss it because there is no hard evidence. i say that is utter bullshit. i have no qualms saying that i was abused but a lot of that was self abuse. i allowed to be taken to the cleaners. i allowed someone to get the best of me. i allowed someone to mind fuck me. i accept full responsibility for that and it has been the most eye opening learning tool i have ever given myself. i can honestly say with my whole heart that it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. it's just hard to believe that i am even the same person. it's hard to swallow what i once was. it's rather frightening that i once had it in me to stoop that low, to be walked all over and left with nothing. but i guess that it just how it goes. i cannot deny where i came from. i am so grateful that i somehow found it in myself to pick myself up after that. i think i knew that, if i didn't, i could never survive anything. i knew i couldn't fail. no matter how great the loss seemed at the time. i get quite emotional when i think about it all. it was such a tragic love story. but i don't regret it. not one second. there were good times that were some of the best times i have ever had. and for that i cannot count it as a complete loss. so to whomever he was, whatever person he presented himself to be, sometimes he was what seemed to be my soul mate. maybe saying that seems naive and maybe that only illustrates how deep the deception went but i don't think so. i see beyond who that person was now. and i know that somewhere in there was a person that longed for me with every breath. it just wasn't meant to be and it wasn't the right time. i don't think that part of him was ready for someone like me. so with that i have to release the hate i have harbored and the vindictive things i wanted to do or did do. love does make you quite illogical and it made no exception with me. i know that, no matter what, there is a love he has for me whether he could admit that or not. and i would be lying if i said that i didn't feel the same. but i do not have any romantic feelings for that person, whoever he really is. more of a love for the good times and learning we both went through. it was probably the most valuable lesson of my life. so, crooked crown, where ever you are, i wish you well. maybe one day you will be big enough to wish me the same. maybe one day i will get the closure i deserve. but i doubt it. i know you far too well. we may be two totally different people now- but i think we both know we will always be one in the same. we are far too much alike.