dissonance dance

i feel an odd yet warm

sense of contentment

in the arms of discontent

the moments of sanity seem to

stand out

i refuse to put my safety jacket

my life

in the arms of someone else

even at my weakest

i know i can only heal by myself

the fulcrum of life

our light

should beam bright

within ourselves

only to radiant

others with an enchanting glow

lifting everything around us up

with the grace and beauty

sometimes our hearts get dirty

but we must clean them off alone

taking time to reflect and heal

it may be the only path to find

our way home

and this destination

sometimes is derailed

with fear and fables

we get misconstrued

we get lost

sometimes we must get burned

by every star in our own sky

to show us how to shine brighter

then we've ever known

certain situations are heart breaking

and parts of us all die

when we lose, when we part ways

these are the essence of existence

the core of loss and gain

i cherish every notion of the future

that entices with echoes of the past

when sometimes the present goes so fast

its hard to savor the subtleties

but tonight i cannot deny

the wonder and desire

and all the little things the encompass

the desire be happy

even in the den of desolation

i find hope

i will struggle through what i have to

to get the peace i must

fairytales tell tales.

if you have no passion in life then what's the point? i get so angry at people that put everything into the innocuous. they wax frivolous. i don't need your sanctimony especially if you're just a worthless cunt. i have met so many in this town, in this country, on this planet. i guess i just don't get it. i wish i knew how to be a girl because at this point- i kind of don't have the faintest idea. i have come to terms with the fact that i will always be one of the dudes. i hate how most girls eat up attention. i hate it. i don't like when people hit on me. it makes me uncomfortable. i don't know how to take a compliment. i don't really get jealous, although sometime i wish i could. if i ever get married [which i highly doubt] i don't want a ring or a wedding. that shit doesn't matter to me. it takes away from what it should be. i want to light fairy tales on fire to disintegrate what they do to our heads. that kind of shit doesn't exist, nor should it. it only makes me sick.

i know i'm far beyond jaded. i'm trying to allow that to teach me so i can gain something positive from it. i don't know if i have made any progress at all. everything in my life is at a constant inconsistency at times and i wonder if it's good or bad. i guess it's a dichotomy that is the essence of my life. i feel like no one knows what it means to be loyal and sincere. we are all lost in the shuffle. i expect far too much from everyone and therefore i am always let down. i don't feel i should have to lower those expectations down to be more satisfied. fuck that! but, i guess i forget we are all human and we all get weak. i am no different. i fuck up. the only difference is i pride myself on owning up to my shortcomings. it makes me humble.

i wish more people had something real to say. i know not everyone has a way with words and some find it hard to convey how they feel. i still think that people hold so much back. i know i do. i'm going to try to work on that. life is too short. if anything, i want to be known for my exuberance. i'm vulgar as fuck. i don't tolerate anyones bullshit. i don't have time for cowards or manipulators. i want something real.

cellar door.

it's enlightening when i hear an album or read a book, years after initial discovery, to uncover a whole new meaning behind it. it's like re-percussive royalties. it teaches you in a different light and enhances your perspective. i have a constant desire to learn. i think once that desire becomes fulfilled- i will be 6 feet under. call me parsimonious.

it's only when i learn to accept dissonance, instead of fighting it, i find contentment.

.

did they mispronounce your name?
did they spell it wrong?
spell you wrong?
underestimate you?
no one ever gets it.
physical pleasure are but that.
giving away your DNA
but not your heart
write you prayers on your veins
immerse them in the blood
thick as mud
winding down
and falling out
did you find yourself in the chaos?
did you lose yourself in her eyes?
what did they say about
the way you intertwined
does it stop you now?
did you even shed a tear?
no one is ever completely without blame
no one is ever completely without pain
stitch the dissonance with heavy sighs
you cannot escape the fire in her lies
wanting to become something more
wanting something worth fighting for
but you gave all you could
you gave out
she gave up
and there was nothing but emptiness
lying on the floor
and now you can do nothing more
but walk away
try as you may
try as fast as you can
you cant escape
the grip
the grit
tomorrow is only a regret away

this ocean always floods the desert in the worst way

in rage there is beauty

the fire inside me needs to unfurl
in rage there is beauty
when it doesnt matter how hard you try
things fall apart
there is calm in that somehow
the vicious cycle of life
sometimes thats all i have
and i want to set the future on fire
inhale the fumes of the past
and burn myself on the present
and thats the only way i can be
with ribbons of devotion
i will choke your false intentions
pretty can get dirty
and discontent can get gritty
peeling away layers of defenses
only to realign
stronger than the last time
i reject your limitations
your insatiability
because maybe i am just the same
and maybe we are more alike than you know
but for now i have to let you go

illusions.

who says emotions cant mirror stregnth? i am strong enough to cry and a break down and die a little when anyone hurts me. i know its a part of life. but it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt. life hurts. dont build me up- i need to break it down. all the way down. to the fundementals. my memory stains my mind. i just cant justify it this time. and if you can- then maybe we dont see eye to eye. and maybe we never have.

magnetic

taking my power back. no more running. i need let myself bleed. these precious things- are they all that precious to me? i can feel your thoughts. i can taste your desire. no words need to be spoken. i know the things that will be. self doubt is cruel. it can overcome your whole being. and it's a vicious spiral down. i guess i had to learn to crawl and skin my knees- but it taught me how to please. i can be anything you need because i can read your mind. i welcome your greed to feed on me. everyone is a vampire and we all have to drain the blood in one way or another. why can't it be sexy? why can't it be nourishing? you see, screams are taught to bind us but they really just set us free. restraint is for the fearful. they are too afraid to need. what winds you up- enlightens me. i switch the rules, i change the roles. there are no rules in life that will withhold. i write my own laws and i will abide as i please. deny your attraction to me yet, i feel your heart beat. you can say anything you want but i know what you need. i transcend commonality. in every way i am violent, passionate, both demon and saint. and it both scares and compels you, for you are just the same. same logic, same voice, same name.