reflections.

sometimes we take for granted all the tiny wonders that surround us. lately, i have been trying to dismantle every element of my life. i have to do it to re-learn how to be a better person, or even how to be a person. i guess i lost myself again. but i will find my way back. fundamentally- no one ever changes. there are things in the very core of your being that are intrinsic. to alter these things or even slightly change them- you must undo everything you know. all the things that make you comfortable, you must let go of. for me, it's the only way i can survive. and i have done it far too many times.

now i feel, i have done this too much. i have no idea how to get back to who i am, because i do not know who i am. i am so used to reinventing, that i have nothing left to reinvent. it's fucked. so i am trying to remember things about my past, and i am trying to let them teach me. it's strange how our youth defines so much of what affects us presently. i hate how mistakes we make in the past define out future. yes, as i said earlier, we do not change much the course of our entire existence. but that doesn't mean that everyone falls into this pattern.

for example- when i was 22 i was in an abusive relationship. i do not want pity. it was what it was and me staying in that environment was also something i have to take responsibility for. long story short- we got into a fight where he was choking me and i could not breathe. so i grabbed a knife so he would let go of me. i didn't want to hurt him, for as bad as he treated me, i did love him. i just wanted him to stop choking me and he was easily 2 or 3 times bigger than i so thats all i had to work with. he was so wasted that he grabbed the knife on the blade side and cut his hand. he proceeded to punch me in the face several time until i passed out. i came to, also very wasted and i forget what happened. i immediately call 911 because i saw blood. they came and arrested both of us.

it was my first and only offense. it was a felony but they dropped it down to a misdemeanor. 4th degree assault. i had to attend and pay for anger managment classes for 6 months. i was the only person who went every week, without fail, in a row [plus if you missed a meeting you had to start over]. after that, i turned my whole life around. i left that dude. i was about a year and half from graduating college, so after a year long break, i went back and got my degree. i was the first person to graduate college from my whole family, and since then, everyone in my family has earned their degree- even my father who got his last year. i also got a decent job after college where i got my own place and my own car and i have taken care of myself ever since.

what is the point of all this? well the point is- you CAN change. anyone in that situation would have most likely return to the cycle of abuse. most people continue the criminal activity once they begin it. but not me. that lesson taught me so much. it put everything into perspective. i didn't wanna be a fuck up. i refuse to let that one instance define my whole life and so far it hasn't. nothing is as bad as it seems. if you can do something constructive with the bad things that happen- it's never a mistake and you can never regret it.

as i sit here, eating some yummy cookies i baked from scratch and listening to my cat purr on the bed besides me- i am just thankful to have come this far. i start a new job in a week and i also go to coachella thursday. life isn't so bad. it's what you make of it. everyone has fucked up shit they have to deal with. it's how you react that separates us from one another. everyone has their breaking point. everyone falls apart. but if you can get up and hold your head up, even when everyone doubts you and everyone is laughing at you, there is something to be said about that. you can find strength in the weakest places. if anything- that is what strength is.

no one else has a hold over me like you do.

no one else compares
i've dreamed of you so long
i've sang this song
yet i never tire of the deep melody
lulling my eardrums
with such precision
of perfection
and this has always been our destiny
it has always tasted of
such sheer spellbinding
magic
when our fates intertwine
under the clutch of red wine
the truths will dine
i've never wanted anything more
your gaze devours me
your bed tempts me
every cell of you compels
i've always known this would come to
fruition
emotion
passion
pain
we will rewrite the galaxy in both our names

spring fling

immersed in a overcast sunday
lazy and unregarded
feeling springs' sticky sweet kiss
dangerously
tickle my feet
ripe and warm
it tangles you up
like a cocoon
can you claw your way out?
i've got the hunger
i've got the itch
need a fix
reservations smashed
i need the grit
you underneath my fingernails
your sweat on my lips
my blood hot enough
to start a fire that shakes the devil
breaking rules
painting the sky red
with desire
it glows and yearns
lusting for the future
the wind takes away the cold
draws me out of my shell
draws me out of my hell

don't think twice...

it's alright...

all my armor falling down

a rift in my reality
for the better
it's like singing a new melody
getting lost in splendor
after weeks
of anxiety driven
starvation and insomnia
i feel at ease
we all lose our goddamn minds
at times
we sometimes become too intertwined
with our lives
over thinking
picking apart things
to the brink of emotional meltdown
it does no good
we all need to press restart
i desire to heal
to open my heart
i slowly start to peel
my reservations apart
and it feels so beautiful
however exposed
it feels good
i guess you can't ever know
that what you fear can become
a reservoir of hope
innocuous
it's funny how twisted
we can make our own world
unnecessarily
but now- i'm looking forward to hope
the past does not have to dictate our future
we should always be able to progress beyond our mistakes
and i long for what is to come
i embrace change like i
embrace the change of seasons
i feel the seasons shift
the climate warm and inviting
like my eyes
summer enticing
let whatever be
but let me become real again
let me revel
let me roar

ch-ch-changes

so many things have changed and are changing. things have been extremely rough for me lately and i honestly have been pretty down. but right now i feel like everything will work out. i'm going to only worry about the things i can control and not worry about the things [or people] i cannot. things are going to be okay. i tell myself that a lot but i usually do it as positive reaffirmation. i don;t always know if i believe that. but right now, i really feel it. and that's nothing but good. i have to remain as positive as i can. i do think being overly negative attracts negativity to your life so i must be conscious of that.

i guess the cool thing about being unemployed is the freedom. i can do whatever i fucking want to do. i have been doing a lot of things i haven't ever done before. i drove across country and went to new orleans and austin. new orleans is one of my favorite cities [ i was there for new years] and austin is some place i always wanted to go. so those are 2 accomplishments! i also just recently visited hawaii, another place i always wanted to visit. now all i really have left are the pacific northwest [seattle, portland] and san diego [don't ask me why i haven't ever been- i suck] and then new england [mainly NYC] and miami. then i will have seen all the US cities i care to see. but mainly i want to travel abroad. i haven't even been to canada or mexico. and considering i am half mexican- that is a gawddamn shame. but i will! mostly, i want to travel to europe. i have felt a calling there my whole life and england and amsterdamn are especially areas i need to visit very soon.

i guess i'll figure it all out and in the meantime i will have as much fun as i can!

for my mom RIP

today is the day when i allow myself to unravel
the day when my world was forever changed
i woke up at age 10
never to see you again
and as strong as it's made me
your absence breaks me
every year my heart breaks a little more
than before
and even tho it heals faster and faster each year
it's the same pain
it's the same ache
that will never go away
it's the same name
it's the same face
that i will never see again
mom
i will never forget
when i was 7
how you told me
"do you know how much i love you?"
how could i ever forget?
you defined what love is
because it is what you were
patient, understanding, forgiving and selfless
and i will never settle for anything less
i sometimes feel like you weren't real
that you were too magical to have been alive
so many years now fade my memory
still i cannot help but feel connected to you
somehow i feel i know you more
as times goes on
as memories fade
i find you in different ways
i wonder what you would think of me now?
almost everyone in my life that i love
never knew you
but i know you would embrace them
and accept them as your own
after all we are not so different
as far away as you seem
all i have to do is close my eyes and i can feel you
and sometimes i just wanna scream
and call out to you
this bad dream that became reality
sometimes is a little too real
people i know sometimes say "its time to move on"
but forgetting you is like
trying to forget your favorite song
impossible
and if i somehow could forget
what time could never erase
i would find you laced with the rhythm of my own heart
pumping with the blood of someone who made me
yet is no longer alive to see me
come to fruition
its a unresolved chord
an unfinished puzzle
and there is no way to explain
the sleepless nights
the questions
the pain
how obsolete is feels even some 19 year later
to be a girl without a mom
sometimes seems so unfair
its like being throw into the ocean
before you knew what land was
i learned about death far too young
i learned about it before i learned how to live
yet it somehow taught me everything about life
and how i could not live mine without you
and i wouldnt have to
because you are timeless
maternal love eternal
you are behind every laugh i bellow
every smile i share
these words i craft
the tears i bare
everyone will know a small piece of you
everyone will fall in love with you
and everyone will want to know you
you are never dead
your legacy is in my heart
your lessons in my head
imprinting everything i do
good and bad i embrace you
knowing you weren't perfect
knowing that your flaws somehow made you more real
and i can do nothing more than cherish you
the strife you were faced with
your story
i acknowledge that a part of me will always be missing
but bond between a mother and daughter
is one that cannot be broken
through life or death
it is forever
and i'm so fucking thankful
to have know such humble and vulnerable beauty
and i can only hope to be half the woman you were
i can only hope that you are never forgotten
as long as i live and breathe
you never will be

i love you mom. through life or death, our bond is beyond the physical world and our love is immortal.
RIP mom
1957-1990