ch-ch-changes

so many things have changed and are changing. things have been extremely rough for me lately and i honestly have been pretty down. but right now i feel like everything will work out. i'm going to only worry about the things i can control and not worry about the things [or people] i cannot. things are going to be okay. i tell myself that a lot but i usually do it as positive reaffirmation. i don;t always know if i believe that. but right now, i really feel it. and that's nothing but good. i have to remain as positive as i can. i do think being overly negative attracts negativity to your life so i must be conscious of that.

i guess the cool thing about being unemployed is the freedom. i can do whatever i fucking want to do. i have been doing a lot of things i haven't ever done before. i drove across country and went to new orleans and austin. new orleans is one of my favorite cities [ i was there for new years] and austin is some place i always wanted to go. so those are 2 accomplishments! i also just recently visited hawaii, another place i always wanted to visit. now all i really have left are the pacific northwest [seattle, portland] and san diego [don't ask me why i haven't ever been- i suck] and then new england [mainly NYC] and miami. then i will have seen all the US cities i care to see. but mainly i want to travel abroad. i haven't even been to canada or mexico. and considering i am half mexican- that is a gawddamn shame. but i will! mostly, i want to travel to europe. i have felt a calling there my whole life and england and amsterdamn are especially areas i need to visit very soon.

i guess i'll figure it all out and in the meantime i will have as much fun as i can!

for my mom RIP

today is the day when i allow myself to unravel
the day when my world was forever changed
i woke up at age 10
never to see you again
and as strong as it's made me
your absence breaks me
every year my heart breaks a little more
than before
and even tho it heals faster and faster each year
it's the same pain
it's the same ache
that will never go away
it's the same name
it's the same face
that i will never see again
mom
i will never forget
when i was 7
how you told me
"do you know how much i love you?"
how could i ever forget?
you defined what love is
because it is what you were
patient, understanding, forgiving and selfless
and i will never settle for anything less
i sometimes feel like you weren't real
that you were too magical to have been alive
so many years now fade my memory
still i cannot help but feel connected to you
somehow i feel i know you more
as times goes on
as memories fade
i find you in different ways
i wonder what you would think of me now?
almost everyone in my life that i love
never knew you
but i know you would embrace them
and accept them as your own
after all we are not so different
as far away as you seem
all i have to do is close my eyes and i can feel you
and sometimes i just wanna scream
and call out to you
this bad dream that became reality
sometimes is a little too real
people i know sometimes say "its time to move on"
but forgetting you is like
trying to forget your favorite song
impossible
and if i somehow could forget
what time could never erase
i would find you laced with the rhythm of my own heart
pumping with the blood of someone who made me
yet is no longer alive to see me
come to fruition
its a unresolved chord
an unfinished puzzle
and there is no way to explain
the sleepless nights
the questions
the pain
how obsolete is feels even some 19 year later
to be a girl without a mom
sometimes seems so unfair
its like being throw into the ocean
before you knew what land was
i learned about death far too young
i learned about it before i learned how to live
yet it somehow taught me everything about life
and how i could not live mine without you
and i wouldnt have to
because you are timeless
maternal love eternal
you are behind every laugh i bellow
every smile i share
these words i craft
the tears i bare
everyone will know a small piece of you
everyone will fall in love with you
and everyone will want to know you
you are never dead
your legacy is in my heart
your lessons in my head
imprinting everything i do
good and bad i embrace you
knowing you weren't perfect
knowing that your flaws somehow made you more real
and i can do nothing more than cherish you
the strife you were faced with
your story
i acknowledge that a part of me will always be missing
but bond between a mother and daughter
is one that cannot be broken
through life or death
it is forever
and i'm so fucking thankful
to have know such humble and vulnerable beauty
and i can only hope to be half the woman you were
i can only hope that you are never forgotten
as long as i live and breathe
you never will be

i love you mom. through life or death, our bond is beyond the physical world and our love is immortal.
RIP mom
1957-1990

from heroin to handbags

the american media is such an evil yet charming monster. i can't recall moments of my life that are not laced with ad campaigns and slogans forever etched into my brain. think about how much of an impact it has upon all of us. whether you like it or not- it's there. but behind all the manipulation there is one underlying common ground: money. we are so fucking greedy. we, as americans, want it faster, more advanced, and before anyone else has one. and no one, my comrades, is innocent of this. from heroin to handbags, we are all non denominational elitists. in a nutshell, that is what american's are. we are snobs. from music, to fashion, to cars, animals, luxury [and unnecessary] surgeries- we buy into an idea. that idea is the american dream. i used to think it was the same for everyone and in some ways it is. but really we set our own unattainable fantasy to gauge towards. it's a bit masochistic i feel. but what kind of american would we be without a little bit of self mutilation? in essence- what do you think plastic surgery is? in my mind- it's nothing but self mutilation but there are so many non-literal forms of it for each of us.

we want you to buy into a lifestyle. that's why everyone who lives in a po-dunk town is enamored with LA or NYC and everyone who actually lives there wants out. it's the chase. once you have it- the magnetism is gone. it's so fucked! i remember myself lusting over one of the two holy trinities of american culture. more so to LA [which i now loathe] and i have still never even been to new york city. in my mind [at least for los angeles] i think it's highly overrated and pretentious, now that it's has been actualized years later. but then again that's probably just the snob in me.

my question is this: is it healthy? to creates "wants" disguised as "needs"? someone told me today that people spend more time looking for a car than a home. i was floored! think about that. a home is something that is a necessity, yet a vehicle is not. say what you will but no one "needs" a car. modern society may tell you that you need it but in all actuality- you can survive without one. it's about status. it's about goals. i am definitely a victim to this. when i was in college, all i wanted was a red jetta when i graduated. i pined over it and lusted over it for years. i honestly never thought i would have it. what do i drive now? a red jetta. and [i think] it's a piece of shit. point made.

american's can never be satisfied. we are living in a culture with roots firmly in insatiability. fuck. i'm going to the gym to satisfy another unattainable goal <3

choke on your own dick

what your trash has taught me i treasure
the benefits i reap
you can't measure
i'm a powerhouse
undefeated
don't you dare point the finger
when you stare starts to linger
longer than when i acknowledged you
i spit on what you are
and i see it so clearly
so tragic i had to weed through your
clever manipulations
your carefully calculated mishaps
that always perplexed so perfectly
that always got you so much
easily obtained pussy
but not me
maybe momentarily
but your bullshit
does'nt cover your flaws
not even close to it
and if you think for a second
you're coming close to the cause
and effect and want to blame me
you make me laugh silly boy
you couldn't own up to your shit
if your life depended on it
and its fucking pathetic
all you taught me
is to filter out
loser fuck ups like you
and never settle for anything
so
fucking
petty

unfathomable monster

no matter how much i have healed
no matter how much stronger i have become
you stole something from me
and for that i will always haunt you
i will destroy your dreams
i will plauge your happiness
with visions of me
you may have my broken heart in your hands
but that blood stain colors me
and you cannot wash it from your heart
my blood poisons you
and feeds me
it will always be
what was our song?
"you belong to me"?
did you really love me?
or was i just some sort of possession?
so you could set yourself free
from the demons that inhabit you
the scars you displaced on me
such a scared little boy
not strong enough to be vulnerable to anyone
just a pussy with a big dick
to distract from how hard you had to run
from yourself
from growing up
you never will
may you never escape the words you promised me
may you never escape the noose i hold around your neck
for eternity, just like you promised me
laced with words you said so insincerely
now i will choke you with things you said
i will always punish you with the love you faked
let this be a lesson
you cannot light a flame
without getting scalded if youre not careful
you were so not careful with me
i will burn your eyes until you see what kind of monster you are
and the unfathomable monster you made me

dis-attachment

i've got to do what i must
when relationships are a bust
you can get into my bed
but never in my head
i will forget you
i will erase you from
my memory
replace your face
understand sometimes
i must underhand
pretty boys
turn into pretty boring toys
and i dont mean to be so aloof

if there is nothing engaging
if there is no potential
there is nothing worth staying
it's fundamental

i don't know how to undo this dis-attachment
it's become my thunder

jump in with both feet

i wonder why i keep people at an arms length. it's so hard for me to let people in. i know it stems from losing my mother at an early age. also, from previous failed relationships, where either i have walked away or i have been left behind. i have fear of abandonment. i would like to think i have made at least a fraction of headway beyond that, but lately it seems i have made absolutely no progress. and i wonder now if i ever have. i guess it's sad. i'm sad.

i need to jump in with both feet. but goddamn i'm so scared. i feel like i have so much to risk. people tell me and have told me many times "i've never met anyone like you," and i used to think it made me special; set me apart. but now i believe it's just a curse. and that what it entails is that no one wants to see the demons i harbor. i think sometimes i don't want to see the demons i harbor. but i know i have to. if i can find someone who loves me for that- it will be my soul mate. but until then i just want to try to improve myself. certainly with all the blows i've gone through for the past few months, i have stripped myself down to my core. if it's ever been a time for reinvention- it is now. i see so many ugly parts of myself that i need to alter. yet, i still see some great parts that i need to enhance. it's hard. i don't like to be down. but i also do not want to be overly positive in an ignorant light. there has to be a balance. it's just difficult to gauge what exactly that balance is. i still feel so incomplete like something is missing. i guess i've felt that way for years now but refused to acknowledge it. sometimes you bury parts of yourself so deep even you forget or deny their existence. perhaps it's partly post-traumatic stress. it's hard to say. i just have to remain focused and strong as i can be yet somehow i need to become more vulnerable. i welcome that part of myself. i think i have missed that part of myself and how it really is so beautiful. sorrow has a certain beauty that many dismiss. i certainly have for many years now. there are so many things you cannot measure and you cannot explain through anything else but your heart. there truly is a language to it that we often forget. i just need to tune into that part of me- however dusty it is. it feels good. as sad as i have been lately- i feel like i am learning about how to feel again. i feel like i am learning how to love again. i'm opening up to people like i never have before and luckily enough- people are being receptive. many of these people are those i never would expect. so if it cost me great loss to gain this- all is not lost. all is not lost.