jump in with both feet

i wonder why i keep people at an arms length. it's so hard for me to let people in. i know it stems from losing my mother at an early age. also, from previous failed relationships, where either i have walked away or i have been left behind. i have fear of abandonment. i would like to think i have made at least a fraction of headway beyond that, but lately it seems i have made absolutely no progress. and i wonder now if i ever have. i guess it's sad. i'm sad.

i need to jump in with both feet. but goddamn i'm so scared. i feel like i have so much to risk. people tell me and have told me many times "i've never met anyone like you," and i used to think it made me special; set me apart. but now i believe it's just a curse. and that what it entails is that no one wants to see the demons i harbor. i think sometimes i don't want to see the demons i harbor. but i know i have to. if i can find someone who loves me for that- it will be my soul mate. but until then i just want to try to improve myself. certainly with all the blows i've gone through for the past few months, i have stripped myself down to my core. if it's ever been a time for reinvention- it is now. i see so many ugly parts of myself that i need to alter. yet, i still see some great parts that i need to enhance. it's hard. i don't like to be down. but i also do not want to be overly positive in an ignorant light. there has to be a balance. it's just difficult to gauge what exactly that balance is. i still feel so incomplete like something is missing. i guess i've felt that way for years now but refused to acknowledge it. sometimes you bury parts of yourself so deep even you forget or deny their existence. perhaps it's partly post-traumatic stress. it's hard to say. i just have to remain focused and strong as i can be yet somehow i need to become more vulnerable. i welcome that part of myself. i think i have missed that part of myself and how it really is so beautiful. sorrow has a certain beauty that many dismiss. i certainly have for many years now. there are so many things you cannot measure and you cannot explain through anything else but your heart. there truly is a language to it that we often forget. i just need to tune into that part of me- however dusty it is. it feels good. as sad as i have been lately- i feel like i am learning about how to feel again. i feel like i am learning how to love again. i'm opening up to people like i never have before and luckily enough- people are being receptive. many of these people are those i never would expect. so if it cost me great loss to gain this- all is not lost. all is not lost.