no regrets

i feel like something big is going to happen soon. anticipation swims around every corner and it intoxicates me with every breath i inhale. it's curious, this magnetic aroma of the unknown. and i can feel it in my toes. i feel like i have lost myself here. but i feel like i'm getting back on track to where i once was. i cannot help the way i am. and i won't make excuses any longer. i have ran from my emotions for years now. i have ran from myself in many ways and on many levels. i guess it's only natural to shed the skin of your prior self and grown new, thicker more resilient skin. i have done just that. but i have forgotten who i was. i wanted to. i guess it's kinda sad. my life has long romanced tragedy. for many years i swan in that- bathing myself in sorrow and painting myself the deepest black. i had to undo that part of me. i exposed myself too much to my last love. almost to the point where i had nothing left to reveal. i gave him everything i had. so much that i had nothing left for myself. i put all my cards on the table and i left empty handed. i cannot explain how crushing and devastating that was- yet it was the most important lesson i may have ever learned. it was all i could do to move forward after investing so much. i guess after exploiting myself so stark naked, i felt the need to put some clothes on- to hide somethings. to regenerate myself. i have turned my life around completely and made something of myself when i was against all odds. however, there is still a part of me that is hollow. a part that aches and longs. its not easy to confront myself with that. its rather crippling. i read several pieces of writing i wrote about my ex recently and i was totally destroyed. its absolutely heartbreaking how deeply i felt for someone and how i would poignantly state how i felt. i wept as i recalled writing those things and i found comfort in the fact that i was capable of feeling something so beautiful. i was shameless. and i think love should always be. it brought back so many feelings and thoughts. many of you may not know this- but i am a hopeless romantic. i truly and completely loved with every notion i could have mustered. i threw myself into my relationship and never looked back. i do not regret one second. if anything- i miss that part of myself. the part that believes in love. the part that would do anything for it. now, it seems, i am much to jaded. but i can undo anything i do. and i must do this. i feel the need blossoming inside of me and creating a hunger so ravishing. i want to unravel myself and my let my guards tumble. i have hibernated my heart much too long and i cannot go any longer. i have too much to give. i've been so alone and i guess i have somewhat fell in love with that. i've learned so much. i've changed so much. but underneath it all, i am still an emotional and benevolent girl who longs for love. i feel like if i convey this, it will perpetuate the desire and bring me good fortune and positivity. so far i have been successful with this approach. i have been happier for the past week than i have been in a long while. that pleases me. i have made myself the best i can be and i value myself much more than i ever have. i'm sure someone can't help but notice that. it's all i can hope for.