only in dreams.

i was not ready for this blow. i thought there was a spark between us that was lighting the way to a new path. i wanted to be everything for you. i wanted to swallow my pride because i thought you were worth it. you are worth it. i hope once day you can find a way to become whole and to truly feel a love you have never known. i hope it is everything you want because you are everything i want. the whole time i was on my trip i had butterflies in my stomach thinking about you and how awesome you were and how much i missed you. the absence of you made me feel that much closer to you, and i wish you could see all the beauty i was surrounded with. it made me miss you because you are beautiful. i dreamed of you. i wanted to sing you to sleep. i haven't felt that in such a long time, it was so strange. my immediate response was to run away from my feelings but for some reason i didn't and i couldn't. i thought that must mean something.

i'm not mad at you. you cannot help how you feel. i can't hold that against you because that is unfair. but it hurts. it hurts out loud. i really thought there was something between us that i have never felt before. i found my self suddenly consumed with hope and the desire to be something to someone else instead of just myself. i felt you were worth opening up for, i wanted to try for you. i don't think there is anything wrong with that. i'm actually proud of myself for allowing someone to penetrate this shell i have, even if it didn't work out how i wanted. i guess thats life.

i see something in you. i know others see it, too. i know i'm not the only girl who thinks you are magical. i only wish that you would believe it yourself. maybe that is part of why you cannot feel things for others because you don't value yourself enough. it would make sense. i will always be here for you. i will always try to help you. being a friend is more important, but you can't blame me for wanting more. i embrace you for all that you are but must see the potential and kindness you possess for yourself. perhaps only then will you be able to open yourself up to be all you're capable of. i know you have it in you. i know you have the capacity to feel because i have seen bits and pieces of it here and there. i wish i could tell you how to hone in on that but you have to figure that out yourself. i will help you in any way i can.

maybe one day things can be different. you make me want to be better person. i hope one day you can feel as strong for someone as i feel for you. i wish you the best.

dissonance dance

i feel an odd yet warm

sense of contentment

in the arms of discontent

the moments of sanity seem to

stand out

i refuse to put my safety jacket

my life

in the arms of someone else

even at my weakest

i know i can only heal by myself

the fulcrum of life

our light

should beam bright

within ourselves

only to radiant

others with an enchanting glow

lifting everything around us up

with the grace and beauty

sometimes our hearts get dirty

but we must clean them off alone

taking time to reflect and heal

it may be the only path to find

our way home

and this destination

sometimes is derailed

with fear and fables

we get misconstrued

we get lost

sometimes we must get burned

by every star in our own sky

to show us how to shine brighter

then we've ever known

certain situations are heart breaking

and parts of us all die

when we lose, when we part ways

these are the essence of existence

the core of loss and gain

i cherish every notion of the future

that entices with echoes of the past

when sometimes the present goes so fast

its hard to savor the subtleties

but tonight i cannot deny

the wonder and desire

and all the little things the encompass

the desire be happy

even in the den of desolation

i find hope

i will struggle through what i have to

to get the peace i must

fairytales tell tales.

if you have no passion in life then what's the point? i get so angry at people that put everything into the innocuous. they wax frivolous. i don't need your sanctimony especially if you're just a worthless cunt. i have met so many in this town, in this country, on this planet. i guess i just don't get it. i wish i knew how to be a girl because at this point- i kind of don't have the faintest idea. i have come to terms with the fact that i will always be one of the dudes. i hate how most girls eat up attention. i hate it. i don't like when people hit on me. it makes me uncomfortable. i don't know how to take a compliment. i don't really get jealous, although sometime i wish i could. if i ever get married [which i highly doubt] i don't want a ring or a wedding. that shit doesn't matter to me. it takes away from what it should be. i want to light fairy tales on fire to disintegrate what they do to our heads. that kind of shit doesn't exist, nor should it. it only makes me sick.

i know i'm far beyond jaded. i'm trying to allow that to teach me so i can gain something positive from it. i don't know if i have made any progress at all. everything in my life is at a constant inconsistency at times and i wonder if it's good or bad. i guess it's a dichotomy that is the essence of my life. i feel like no one knows what it means to be loyal and sincere. we are all lost in the shuffle. i expect far too much from everyone and therefore i am always let down. i don't feel i should have to lower those expectations down to be more satisfied. fuck that! but, i guess i forget we are all human and we all get weak. i am no different. i fuck up. the only difference is i pride myself on owning up to my shortcomings. it makes me humble.

i wish more people had something real to say. i know not everyone has a way with words and some find it hard to convey how they feel. i still think that people hold so much back. i know i do. i'm going to try to work on that. life is too short. if anything, i want to be known for my exuberance. i'm vulgar as fuck. i don't tolerate anyones bullshit. i don't have time for cowards or manipulators. i want something real.

cellar door.

it's enlightening when i hear an album or read a book, years after initial discovery, to uncover a whole new meaning behind it. it's like re-percussive royalties. it teaches you in a different light and enhances your perspective. i have a constant desire to learn. i think once that desire becomes fulfilled- i will be 6 feet under. call me parsimonious.

it's only when i learn to accept dissonance, instead of fighting it, i find contentment.

.

did they mispronounce your name?
did they spell it wrong?
spell you wrong?
underestimate you?
no one ever gets it.
physical pleasure are but that.
giving away your DNA
but not your heart
write you prayers on your veins
immerse them in the blood
thick as mud
winding down
and falling out
did you find yourself in the chaos?
did you lose yourself in her eyes?
what did they say about
the way you intertwined
does it stop you now?
did you even shed a tear?
no one is ever completely without blame
no one is ever completely without pain
stitch the dissonance with heavy sighs
you cannot escape the fire in her lies
wanting to become something more
wanting something worth fighting for
but you gave all you could
you gave out
she gave up
and there was nothing but emptiness
lying on the floor
and now you can do nothing more
but walk away
try as you may
try as fast as you can
you cant escape
the grip
the grit
tomorrow is only a regret away

this ocean always floods the desert in the worst way

in rage there is beauty

the fire inside me needs to unfurl
in rage there is beauty
when it doesnt matter how hard you try
things fall apart
there is calm in that somehow
the vicious cycle of life
sometimes thats all i have
and i want to set the future on fire
inhale the fumes of the past
and burn myself on the present
and thats the only way i can be
with ribbons of devotion
i will choke your false intentions
pretty can get dirty
and discontent can get gritty
peeling away layers of defenses
only to realign
stronger than the last time
i reject your limitations
your insatiability
because maybe i am just the same
and maybe we are more alike than you know
but for now i have to let you go

illusions.

who says emotions cant mirror stregnth? i am strong enough to cry and a break down and die a little when anyone hurts me. i know its a part of life. but it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt. life hurts. dont build me up- i need to break it down. all the way down. to the fundementals. my memory stains my mind. i just cant justify it this time. and if you can- then maybe we dont see eye to eye. and maybe we never have.