i've been trying to reinvent myself lately. it's tricky when you do this because you have to choose which parts of yourself to hold on to and which parts to let go of completely. sometimes you come to find you must let go of everything. as hard as it can be, sometimes it is necessity. when you wake up one day and find your whole life has changed, it's a hard thing to swallow. this has happened to me in the past few months. everything has changed. my priorities have shifted. i've had to reevaluate everything and as heartbreaking as it has been, i feel inspired. i feel refreshed and enlightened. it's sad that we sometimes get so caught up in things that we cannot see the unhealthy death grip we have on them is the very thing that drives them away. separation is one of the greatest teachers. loss and desolation all put things into perspective and shed light on things we may not notice any other way.

what i have learned is that other people and things never define who you are. you define yourself. you cannot invest everything you have into someone or something, then you cheapen yourself fully. there are no sure bets. there is always a risk. you can allow it to drag you down or lift you up. you will never find things if you look for them. things that are meant to happen will naturally. let things be. let things go. peel away all the masks off and you will find your true self. simplicity and subtleties have all gone by the wayside. our neurosis have drained all of our energy. obsessing over things and trying to control and manipulate situations and people are all pointless really. you cannot change others unless they desire to change. you cannot heal others unless they have the desire to heal. its natural for me to desire to fix others but the sad reality is i just can't. i can inspire, i can aid and i can comfort but in the end. they have to want to change. if they don't, you're just pissing in the wind. personal accountability is a difficult road to travel but it's one we all must travel alone.

you cannot lessen yourself when things don't go as you want. that's life. you must embrace great loss. it can show you things you never thought possible. to endure builds character. it toughens you. it opens you up. true strength is obtained by your ability to adapt. it's easy to doubt yourself and cut yourself down because people disapprove of you. should we let this take away from our own personal beauty? never. everything you are is not cast away because of someone else. if someone cannot see you for who you are and cannot value you- you don't need them. you have to forgive yourself. sometimes you give your best effort and it's just not enough for someone else, it's disenchanting but you cannot lose yourself at the hand of someone else. it's never worth it. see it for what it is, let it humble you and let it go. lift yourself up and be whole by yourself.

try again.

i take your defeat as my victory

grasping for any shred of humility

to teach me

as you walked away

my heart sank

but i sing today

wanting to allow this to ground me

somehow

wanting this to help me break the

cycle

dismiss everything i am

dismiss everything we had

over trivialities

now hanging you

by your own throat

ropes laced with

your apathetic vacancy

your morose disposition

your insatiability

your lack of color

i fought for you

i lifted you out of addiction

i tried to show you your inner light

but i still lost

i wanted to know every part of you

i know i see the real you

i see through you cowardliness

your habitual desire to run away

when you're not comfortable

you cant stand to feel

and i cant deal

you left me at the worst time

yet somehow i find the strength to shine

i cant feel sorry for myself

i only feel sorry for you

what you take from me

will haunt you

my grace, my compassion, my tolerance

will all create a void in you

that no one else can fill

only it will be far too late when you realize

or appreciate any of it

i hope you can grow up one day little boy and reap what you sow

rewrite

i'm in far too deep now

yet it feels right

fate

i've doubted many things

for many years

but i have found hope and faith

in you

watching you sleep

to the rhythm of my heart beat

i haven't felt this whole

and complete

in so long

long lost

love lost

when you find it again

its like starting over

somewhat more refreshing that

ever before

no more hang ups

no more hesitation

rewriting the sky

rewriting time

for all time

i give myself to you

i know you wont hurt me

our planets align

it's been too long

but now it's time

i throw my broken heart into your constellation

to mend itself in your heaven

in a new galaxy all our own

.

you know it's strange, i am only inspired to write when things are at odds. my life is at complete disarray. yet, it humbles and pushes me to learn and grow, to embrace every emotion i can fathom, for some cannot feel. the power of our own struggles sometimes can overwhelm. we take so much for granted even strife. it can teach you to hurt so badly. we are parsimonious. we are frightened to feel. but there are no highs without lows. i must keep reminding myself of this.

only in dreams.

i was not ready for this blow. i thought there was a spark between us that was lighting the way to a new path. i wanted to be everything for you. i wanted to swallow my pride because i thought you were worth it. you are worth it. i hope once day you can find a way to become whole and to truly feel a love you have never known. i hope it is everything you want because you are everything i want. the whole time i was on my trip i had butterflies in my stomach thinking about you and how awesome you were and how much i missed you. the absence of you made me feel that much closer to you, and i wish you could see all the beauty i was surrounded with. it made me miss you because you are beautiful. i dreamed of you. i wanted to sing you to sleep. i haven't felt that in such a long time, it was so strange. my immediate response was to run away from my feelings but for some reason i didn't and i couldn't. i thought that must mean something.

i'm not mad at you. you cannot help how you feel. i can't hold that against you because that is unfair. but it hurts. it hurts out loud. i really thought there was something between us that i have never felt before. i found my self suddenly consumed with hope and the desire to be something to someone else instead of just myself. i felt you were worth opening up for, i wanted to try for you. i don't think there is anything wrong with that. i'm actually proud of myself for allowing someone to penetrate this shell i have, even if it didn't work out how i wanted. i guess thats life.

i see something in you. i know others see it, too. i know i'm not the only girl who thinks you are magical. i only wish that you would believe it yourself. maybe that is part of why you cannot feel things for others because you don't value yourself enough. it would make sense. i will always be here for you. i will always try to help you. being a friend is more important, but you can't blame me for wanting more. i embrace you for all that you are but must see the potential and kindness you possess for yourself. perhaps only then will you be able to open yourself up to be all you're capable of. i know you have it in you. i know you have the capacity to feel because i have seen bits and pieces of it here and there. i wish i could tell you how to hone in on that but you have to figure that out yourself. i will help you in any way i can.

maybe one day things can be different. you make me want to be better person. i hope one day you can feel as strong for someone as i feel for you. i wish you the best.

dissonance dance

i feel an odd yet warm

sense of contentment

in the arms of discontent

the moments of sanity seem to

stand out

i refuse to put my safety jacket

my life

in the arms of someone else

even at my weakest

i know i can only heal by myself

the fulcrum of life

our light

should beam bright

within ourselves

only to radiant

others with an enchanting glow

lifting everything around us up

with the grace and beauty

sometimes our hearts get dirty

but we must clean them off alone

taking time to reflect and heal

it may be the only path to find

our way home

and this destination

sometimes is derailed

with fear and fables

we get misconstrued

we get lost

sometimes we must get burned

by every star in our own sky

to show us how to shine brighter

then we've ever known

certain situations are heart breaking

and parts of us all die

when we lose, when we part ways

these are the essence of existence

the core of loss and gain

i cherish every notion of the future

that entices with echoes of the past

when sometimes the present goes so fast

its hard to savor the subtleties

but tonight i cannot deny

the wonder and desire

and all the little things the encompass

the desire be happy

even in the den of desolation

i find hope

i will struggle through what i have to

to get the peace i must

fairytales tell tales.

if you have no passion in life then what's the point? i get so angry at people that put everything into the innocuous. they wax frivolous. i don't need your sanctimony especially if you're just a worthless cunt. i have met so many in this town, in this country, on this planet. i guess i just don't get it. i wish i knew how to be a girl because at this point- i kind of don't have the faintest idea. i have come to terms with the fact that i will always be one of the dudes. i hate how most girls eat up attention. i hate it. i don't like when people hit on me. it makes me uncomfortable. i don't know how to take a compliment. i don't really get jealous, although sometime i wish i could. if i ever get married [which i highly doubt] i don't want a ring or a wedding. that shit doesn't matter to me. it takes away from what it should be. i want to light fairy tales on fire to disintegrate what they do to our heads. that kind of shit doesn't exist, nor should it. it only makes me sick.

i know i'm far beyond jaded. i'm trying to allow that to teach me so i can gain something positive from it. i don't know if i have made any progress at all. everything in my life is at a constant inconsistency at times and i wonder if it's good or bad. i guess it's a dichotomy that is the essence of my life. i feel like no one knows what it means to be loyal and sincere. we are all lost in the shuffle. i expect far too much from everyone and therefore i am always let down. i don't feel i should have to lower those expectations down to be more satisfied. fuck that! but, i guess i forget we are all human and we all get weak. i am no different. i fuck up. the only difference is i pride myself on owning up to my shortcomings. it makes me humble.

i wish more people had something real to say. i know not everyone has a way with words and some find it hard to convey how they feel. i still think that people hold so much back. i know i do. i'm going to try to work on that. life is too short. if anything, i want to be known for my exuberance. i'm vulgar as fuck. i don't tolerate anyones bullshit. i don't have time for cowards or manipulators. i want something real.